Returning to her show after a brief hiatus necessitated by her well-publicized crusade to return an unwanted dog to a family that could shower the adorable animal in the love she never could, embattled pet-adoption facilitator Ellen DeGeneres says she's learned an invaluable lesson from IggyGate: Don't cry on television.

Tears, she should have realized earlier, are a sign of weakness, and going forward, the host pledges that all subsequent threats will be delivered with an icy detachment that won't detract from the seriousness of her mission. Don't fuck with me, America, Ellen seems to say, if the basket of shar-pei puppies I just had delivered to my dressing room fails to please me, no one's going to stop me when I decide to give them to that security guard with the friendly eyes.