Though the lingering fear that the writers strike will render the Oscars nothing more than the most -hyped clip show in show business history caused many to breathlessly bill last night's SAGgies as Hollywood's Only Chance To Throw Itself A Proper, Self-Congratulatory Orgy, we watched the ceremony without any of that unpleasant baggage, choosing to enjoy the show for what it is: two hours of attractive people throwing themselves a big party to publicly celebrate how amazing it is to get paid millions of dollars to prove their disappointed parents and nay-saying high school drama teachers wrong.

Although Juno's biggest B.O. weekends appear to be in the rearview mirror, that doesn't mean that America's appetite for all things Juno has fully subsided. In addition to the soundtrack's strong performance (currently #2 on the Billboard charts), there appears to be overwhelming demand on the black markets for Hamburger Phones! Or, rather, overwhelming supply. There are currently over 50 listings on eBay for hamburger phones, some of which utilize a hand-crafted MS Paint montage that includes Diablo "Call Me Brook" Cody's now-famous shot of her talking on her very own Hamburger Phone. With that in mind, we're using all of the money in the Defamer piggy bank to corner the market on orange Tic-Tacs. You know, just in case the Juno ancillary markets continue to grow. [Pop Candy]

Having recently buried the $40 million hatchet with Peter Jackson to bring to an end that ugly feud over Lord of the Rings profits, New Line (and partner MGM) can now turn its attention to the crucial matter of finding a suitable director (Jackson, as you surely remember, is executive producing) for its two planned Hobbit movies, knowing that making a hasty, ill-considered choice could, as THR notes, "put billions of dollars at stake...and could turn off an audience that encompasses millions of passionate readers, Tolkien fans and obsessive geeks."

The rackalicious, curvalicious and usually teensy-waisted Angelina Jolie wore, for the first time in years, a real live muumuu to last night's SAG Awards, adding a bit more plausibility to all those rampant 'preggers with twins' rumors. Wearing a strapless vintage Hermes floaty number and clutching Brad's arm all the way down the red carpet, any signs of the pillow-lipped Perfect 10 bod were literally camouflaged (those brown, beige and gray shades would work well in Iraq) by a dress so long and wide that anyone stepping within ten feet of the (possible) new mother of twins would have slipped on its spacious circumference. Even more suspicious? Her decision to carry a shawl, lest anyone dare take note of her newly plump arms.

As you try to wash off the last of the oil you liberally applied to your torso for your unselfconsciously shirtless Rambo outing, have a look at the weekend's box office numbers:

Stories like the one that you are about to read are the reason we REALLY missed watching The Golden Globes this year. While we weren't at the Hyatt Regency Century Plaza for last night's DGA Awards, one of our loose-lipped Defamer informants just sent us the following tip regarding an incident involving an the one of Hollywood's most unpredictable actresses, Sean Young. Yes, the same Sean Young who once appeared on The Joan Rivers Show decked out in full Catwoman gear in hopes of landing the role that would go to Michelle Pfieffer. Anyway, after taking time to hurl insults towards both Marion Cotillard and Julian Schnabel (the former en français, no less!), the scourge of James Woods' life was (allegedly) booted from the premises by a security cop. Our tipster's highly amusing recollection of the incident follows after the jump.

Adnan Ghalib, the paparazzo who sleeps with Britney Spears while snagging footage to sell to the tabloids, may be one of the sleaziest characters to emerge in the celebrity industry in recent years. But one has to admire the former Afghan refugee's desperate skill in walking the tightrope between his troubled popstar lover and the media that feeds on her. According to Showbiz Spy, the mercenary pap wants a $2m payoff for video of Spears at her most vulnerable, weeping, and speaking in the third person. "When Britney was a child, she had to work really hard. When she was 13 years old, she won all the beauty pageants," she mumbles to the camera. "Britney has an angel looking out for her, don't you, angel?" Of course, Ghalib's paparazzi rivals are delighted to expose his double-game, in the hope of breaking his access to the tabloid-selling popstar. Meanwhile, lawyers for Spears' former husband have been investigating a deal between pap agency X17 and another Britney confidante. (Tough game, celebrity journalism: these people make the warlords in Ghalib's native Afghanistan look like saints.) After the jump, a bonus, a scene from Sweet Smell of Success, the best ever cinematic treatment of the vicious world of celebrity gossip, in which Sidney Falco, the press agent played by Tony Curtis, is turned against his own client.

· Shock and sadness: Heath Ledger dies.
· The Oscar nominations: Even more underwhelming than usual. The reactions. Breaking down the snubees.
· Warner Bros.' Dark days are upon them.
· Turns out, everyone wants to know what all that Cloverfield fuss was about: Mostly nausea.
· Kiefer is free! Kiefer is free! The first sighting.
· Lindsay Lohan: Queen of the Razzies.
· E! News's typo'd tribute to Brad Renfro.
· Rambo: By the numbers.
· Ben Silverman is Ben Silverman's kind of guy.
· Kathleen Turner reveals a chihuahua-snatching side to Nicolas Cage none of us knew existed—including Nicolas Cage.
· Sundance: Hamlet 2 sells for $10 million, or $5 million each for screenwriters Diablo Rosencrantz and Aviva Guildenstern. (And whatever's left over for Steve Coogan.)
· Jerry O'Connell: Def SP.
· Something about Nicole Kidman and a saved placenta.
· Welcome to the World of Diablo Cody
· The Moment of Truth: Glacially paced, not life-destroyingy enough. Play along at home!
· Two more Pitt-Jolieseses on the way! Maybe!

· Wait a minute: Did Ryan Seacrest think he was giving Ellen a dildo in a fun little gift bag? Oh, that's just a bingo stamper, and not a Big Blue Violator? What a silly mix-up! An honest mistake, really.
· Mona Lisa with a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher would've made a much better Rambo poster.
· Mary-Kate Olsen's thought process upon receiving that fateful call from the masseuse, in flowchart form.
· "Those pigs were about 400 pounds each, and there were four of them. I was tied pretty tight into that pigpen by my neck and my hands, and my mouth was gagged. At one point while we were filming one of the pigs broke through the fence and actually came right at me. I was freaking out, and they were rushing in to try to get me out, and of course Sly is in the background yelling, 'Keep the cameras rolling!'"

The FCC's brand of puritanical justice may not be swift, but it is severe: this afternoon, the Guardians of Primetime Morality suggested $1.4 million in fines for ABC's transgressions against federal anti-sideboob statutes committed in a 2003 (!) episode of NYPD Blue that "dwelled" upon a "small portion of one side of [an actress's] breasts" in "shocking and titillating" fashion. (Also, an unacceptable display of partially revealed buttocks were mentioned.) ABC has already responded: "When the brief scene in question was telecast almost five years ago, this critically acclaimed drama had been on the air for a decade and the realistic nature of its story lines was well known to the viewing public," a nod to the series' envelope-pushing early days, when weekly scenes of a seminude Dennis Franz helped cement its hit status. [B&C]

Yes, yes, we know what we said last week (and, um, the week before that) about trying to shake the Celebrity Rehab monkey off our back, but, like the self-destructive guests of the Pasadena Recovery Center (except for Chyna, who's completely faking just to get some more Vh1 screen time), we're powerless against that which is bad for us. Now that the disclaimers about our own human failings are out of the way:

Friday
· Friday night music: Mirah with The Blow at the Henry Fonda, Au Revoir Simone at the Troubadour, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club at Safari Sams.
· The So Bad It's Good Film Fest is screening Ed Wood's masterpiece Plan 9 From Outer Space at the Vista Theater at midnight.
· Largo features comedy frm The Office's B.J. Novak, Nick Swardson, Greg Behrendt and Defamer guest editor/pin-up model Jarrett Grode! Also: COMEDY MELTDOWN 2: Electric Boogaloo at Meltdown Comics, featuring Dana Gould and Maria Bamford.

After hearing the news last February that Britney Spears had shaved her head, most of us reacted with shock, quipped to a friend ("that bitch crazy!"), clicked on a picture or two and went on about our lives. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, on the other hand, immediately began thinking about ways they could squeeze the moment into their annual low-brow pop culture mash-up to-be. Judging by the trailer for the duo's Meet the Spartans, inspiration never truly came, but that didn't stop 'em from using the moment anyway. In the trailer, a Spears lookalike shears her locks and begins cooing in her breathy baby voice, only to be — wait for it! — kicked into the pit from 300 by a Gerard Butler clone. Hilarious, right?

Portƒolio magazine brings a new angle to the Britney Spears story, asking, in their report "The Britney Economy," just how much money the singer and unfit-mothers'-rights activist produces annually. Beyond record sales, Wal-Mart scent exclusives, and canceled concert tours, the mere act of Britney being Britney, indulging each and every one of her increasingly unpredictable whims, winds up putting cheesy-bread on the table of countless paparazzi, gossip magazine editors, hair-extension technicians, and coffee-blending artisans, to the tune of a whopping $120 million per year:

The Church of Scientology has a long history of harassing those individuals who dare question their controversial doctrines. While they mostly utilize legal channels to do so, there have been more than a few whispers over the years that they sometimes deploy members of the church to do the harassing in person (the most recent example being Theresa Duncan and Jeremy Blake, the couple whose mysterious dual suicides were recently chronicled in the pages of Vanity Fair). Now author Ian Halperin, who infiltrated the Church and wrote about in a book called Hollywood Undercover, has drawn so much attention from Hubbard's mobsters that the scribe has been forced to go into hiding. Defamer received communication from Halperin late last night regarding threatening phone calls he had just received, phone calls that prompted him to get outta Dodge for awhile:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you spotted Adrian Grenier possibly consoling the dead bird out of some weepy blonde girl:

Yes, we realize that critiquing picket-line chants is so early November '07, but Julia Louis-Dreyfus's recollection on last night's Late Show of her time marching with her WGA brethren transported us all the way back to those early moments of the strike, when each day brought tales of the new and exciting ways writers were communicating their Guild's message.

Always eager to oblige a reader request, we threw together this side-by-side of Judah Friedlander and Alice in Wonderland's Walrus that we suggested earlier for the Disney Dream Portrait seres. As we suspected, it was an inspired casting choice, as the two bear an uncanny physical resemblance. With that settled, now all we need is to determine who'll play his companion, The Carpenter. Our vote is for Seth Green. [Defamer]

We know that we're only eight years into the Aughts, but we're pretty sure that Joe Simpson has got the Worst Father Of The Decade Award wrapped up. Ever since the sinister minister took the reigns of boobalicious daughter Jessica's "career" (which was like, on her 2nd birthday), he's managed to turn his dingbat cupcake into an oh-no-she-didn't laughingstock (ChickenOrFishGate 2004, anyone?), a divorcee at 25, and a has-been in the music industry. Oh, and then there's the rousing success story that was Blonde Ambition (still stuck at $6,422). The latest double-whack Joe's served to Jess include setting her up on a doomed-from-the-start fiasco of a relationship with Cowboys QB Tony Romo, who's since dumped her admittedly fine ass, and now, turning against the always Simpsons-friendly OK Magazine by (yes, really) handing them a "strongly worded letter" demanding a retraction.

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