As we noted several weeks ago, diminutive quick-cash loan company spokesman Gary Coleman has finally given up on playing the ever-dwindling Diff'rent Strokes-groupie field, and settled down with a lovely young lady named Shannon Price. Until now, little was known about the happy couple, save for the fact that Coleman sometimes accidentally launches things at Shannon's head in moments of anger, and that at the age of 40, he is still a technical* virgin. (*A post-wrap-party exploratory session with Dana Plato notwithstanding.) Well, The Today Show set out to correct all that, by squeezing the newlyweds on a couch alongside Al Roker for some get-to-know-the-Colemans time. Enjoy, and while you're at it, have a ball imagining what their kids will wind up looking like, should Gary ever overcome his sex-having issues.

Earlier this month, we voiced our concern that Christopher Mintz-Plasse (aka McLovin) was in danger of becoming the next "Vote For Pedro" guy. Well, we just learned that a reporter from E! cornered McLovin at the Semi-Pro premiere the other night and asked him to respond to the item we filed. These were the first words out of his mouth:

Sad news for all you caffeine addicts out there: no, not the same old about how you're killing your heart, raising your blood pressure and such. Starbucks is closing! For three very important hours, that is. Today, starting at 5:30pm (peak post-work fueling time!), all 7,100 Starbucks locations will shut down for three hours. Why the oddly timed shutdown? Seems following 600 layoffs announced this week, Howard Schultz needs to infuse his remaining employees with some (very exciting and motivating!) training. But not to worry: rival Dunkin Donuts is offering 99 cent cups from 1 to 10 today. So even if you can't get your usual Venti Vanilla Creme With 3.4 Peppermint Shots and a 1/2 inch layer of whipped cream (low-fat, natch), you can still fake-smile your way through a half-and-half-drenched cup of Rachel Ray's favorite joe. [CNN]

· Any plans for Memorial Day weekend 2009? Great! That means you can catch the opening of Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins, McG's utterly essential contribution to the futuristic-robot-killing-machine franchise that keeps on giving. [Variety]
· The WWE entered into a deal with Fox, giving the studio "a first-look deal" for any project starring one of their wrestlers, and first dibs on John Cena to voice an irascible musk ox in Ice Age: Boot Camp. [Variety]
· A three-month Chinese government ban on Hollywood product has ended, with a March release set for National Treasure: Book of Secrets and 10,000 B.C., after government censors screened both films to ensure they contained "no fingerprints of that lie-spreading Spielberg-devil." [Variety]

By now, we've all seen the video of Gary Busey's vampire-like neck-raping of Jennifer Garner on the red carpet the other evening. But you might not have seen (or heard) that Busey managed to pry himself from his coffin early on Monday morning and delivered a heartfelt (yet borderline creepy) apology to Garner on Ryan Seacrest's radio show. During this interview, we learn that The Buse also managed to spring another surprise attack on the carpet on Sunday (specifically, he interrupted a Fox News interview with George Clooney). However, as disturbing as all of Busey's confused red-carpet lunging on The Most Important Night In Showbiz was, we found ourselves even more disturbed after learning about his "interesting odor."

While there were certainly no lack of internet destinations to service your Oscars liveblogging and post-morteming needs, none of those takes can really hold a candle to the punctuation- and sanity-free zone of Courtney Love's own MySpace wrap-up. We take you now directly to the Courtney Oscars Live Feed:

Jerry Seinfeld, whom we most recently had the pleasure of hearing robotically introduce the nominees for Best Animated Short through the guise of the CGI star of his egregiously under-publicized Bee Movie, is currently being sued by cookbook author Missy Chase Lapine for comments he made on Late Show with David Letterman. On the show, he called Lapine, who had expressed concern that Mrs. Seinfeld had stolen the basic concept of her book, a "wacko" waiting "in the woodwork," "hysterical," and "a three-name woman...and many of the three-named people do become assassins—Mark David Chapman, James Earl Ray..." Now Seinfeld's lawyers are trying to have the suit thrown out, claiming the comments were jokes, no more harmful to Lapine's reputation than an exasperatedly humorous observation about airplane-peanut packaging:

It's quite the week of firsts for Diablo Cody. She won her first Oscar, she became embroiled in her first red carpet scandal and now, the first nude pictures of her have hit The Internets. Probably not surprising, considering her famed and well-marketed history as a stripper turned blogger turned screenwriter. A few of the more SFW pics, including her faithful recreation of Ali Larter's whipped cream bikini shot from Varsity Blues (somewhere, a Vanity Fair photog is kicking himself for not thinking of this idea first), appear after the jump.

Once we heard that the late night afterthought Jimmy Kimmel was planning a revenge video in response to Sarah Silverman's "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" viral sensation, it seemed inevitable that an onslaught of response videos would emerge. And just on the heels of Jimmy's subpar Ben Affleck spoof, Zack and Miri Make a Porno co-stars Elizabeth Banks and Seth Rogen are now getting in on the action. Shot on the set of the upcoming Kevin Smith comedy, Banks glumly strums the guitar and explains that she just had to take a ride on Seth's "weird-looking cock" ("It looks like an otter!" proclaims Seth) in order to meet Judd Apatow. With cameos from Office sidekick Craig Robinson, Traci Lords, Jason Mewes and Zack and Miri director Kevin Smith himself (who emerges towards the end carrying a shiny strap-on), this video not only earns brownie points for being a funny addition to the "I'm Fucking" canon, but also for its surprise twist ending.

Having fully rebounded from your chocolate-balls and cherry-bubble hangover, leap back into your regular routine with a glance at the weekend's box office numbers:

Katherine Heigl never struck us as the calm-as-a-cuke type, but she may have taken the whole Nervous Wreck facade a wee too far at Sunday's Oscars. Arriving with her momager, "Katie" completed her quite successful red carpet waltz, topping many best-dressed lists along the way. But apparently the Best Makeup presenter rushed off to the loading dock in a huff seconds after telling the audience just how nervous she was, to have one of her favorite guilty pleasures. After a stagehand asked her what was wrong, Heigl sputtered:

· I can't speak for the other Defamers, but the thing that I missed most during the strike was the absence of SNL. This weekend's episode was a fine return to form (especially in the ratings department), but this faux commercial starring Kristen Wiig stood out to this observer as the evening's best moment. See ya later, suckers! [NBC]

· The proprietor of this Tumblr describes it best: "Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolor disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life?" Certainly not us! But lo and behold, tis true. [Garfield Minus Garfield]

· Our amigos over at CC2K got their hands on the Iron Man script. [CC2K]

· In Contention takes a look at the Top Ten Shots of 2007 in this fantastic, two-part post. Click here for Part One and here for Part Two. [In Contention]

· Not even Paul Haggis, screenwriter of the 22nd James Bond film, has any clue what Quantum Of Solace is supposed to mean. [MTV Movies Blog]

All told, we here at Defamer devoted five hours and forty-six minutes to watching and chronicling the 2008 Academy Awards last night. And wouldn't you know it, during that stretch, there were only a handful of moments that we'll remember next week, let alone next year. To that end, we gave Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer the unenviable assignment of paring last night's overblown monstrosity down to only its most essential elements. So wave buh bye to no-name costume designers and bid a not-so-fond farewell to Jon Stewart's blandly serviceable monologue, for this two-minute bestlight reel is chock full of moments like Gary Busey neck-raping Jennifer Garner, Joey Fatone drinking Lisa Rinna's milkshake and Tilda Swinton giving George Clooney's rubber nipples the business (among other gems). Enjoy!

Shhhhh...Don't speak above a whisper, or you may awaken 2008's Best Original Screenplay Oscar winner Diablo Cody, sleeping off a night of hard and well-deserved partying flanked by some tried-and-true comforts; namely, hotel sheets, a plate of chocolate chip cookies, and a naked, well-muscled guy she can barely get a hand around.

Holy smokes! That's Jane Russell, who used to look like this, on the red carpet last night, moments before Gary Busey pounced on her and started licking her neck. Jane seemed to enjoy the attention, however, so it's all good. [Getty Images]

· Sarah Silverman, when she's not busy fucking Matt Damon (or watching Jimmy fuck Ben Affleck), does the occasional stand-up routine. She'll be at Largo doing just that tonight.
· If you're on the lookout for some tunes, try Rickie Lee Jones at Echoplex, Burning Brides at the Key Club or Peanut Butter Wolf at the Roxy,
· There are many films in the running for Worst Movie Ever, but this one is near the top of that list. Go see Menahem Golan's 1980 opus of awfulness, The Apple, at the New Beverly Cinema this eve.

We were so busy typing our little fingers to the nub that we barely had a chance to really assess what we thought of last night's Oscars telecast. One thing is certain, however, and that was that host Jon Stewart had a far more successful go at hosting, virtually eradicating any memories of Night of a Thousand Sweatpants, and other clunkers from his 2006 effort. A round-up of what critics are saying:
· "So it was good to see Jon Stewart being Jon Stewart. He is shaping up to be a dependable Oscar host for the post-Billy Crystal years. He's not musical, but he's versatile enough to swing smoothly between jokes about politics, Hollywood, new media, and, most importantly, hair." [Boston Globe]

Unlike some of the other snubbees edited for time by an Oscars producing committee hellbent on delivering a telecast that clocked in at under four hours, Whoopi Goldberg is not dead. We therefore caught a painfully direct glimpse into her wounded eyes when her View sisters stood up for their moderatin' girlfriend, demanding to know where Whoopi was during all those montage sequences. (And in particular, the one titled Oscar Celebrates The Great Female Oscar Hosts of the Past Twenty Years, which pulled clips exclusively from Ellen DeGeneres's single turn at the podium.)

With fidgety stars corralled into the Kodak Theater for nearly four hours of Church of Hollywood sermonizing, it's no wonder that the Governor's Ball, the first and most stately of all the post-Oscars soirées, is invariably a successful event. It allows winners, also-rans, and Oscar-shaped agents alike to mingle in a fantasy-like setting, occasionally snapping retractable tongues far enough to catch a cherry-flavored bubble floating their way. (We're not even joking—watch that Making Of the Governor's Ball Desserts featurette, sure to be one of the highlights of the 2008 Oscars DVD extras.) The LAT was lucky enough to be seated at the Michael Clayton table, where Jelly Bean Clooney (not the swing-era jazz titan, but The Last Movie Star) was realistic about his poor showing:

While not nearly as prestigious as winning an Oscar, being bestowed with a Razzie has its perks. Take our freckled friend Lindsay Lohan, for example. After her breathtaking turn in Just My Luck was snubbed at the 2007 Razzies, LiLo finally ditched the dreaded "Susan Lucci of the Razzies" tag that had been holding her career back when she took home three Razzies at this year's ceremony. She took home not one but TWO Worst Actress prizes for her devastatingly powerful turns as both Aubrey and Dakota I Know Who Killed Me (take that, Jeremy Irons in Dead Ringers!), and she also managed to grab the esteemed Worst Couple Award. For those of you glass-half-full types out there, that's three more awards than Paul Thomas Anderson won this weekend. So we guess she's got that going for her! [Daily Mail]