Lindsay Lohan has been doing an awful lot of public babbling regarding her determined efforts not to appear on Momager/pimp Dina Lohan's upcoming reality show. But does her unwillingness to appear have to do with those tightwads at E!'s inability to properly grease her pockets, or is it more that Lindsay is intentionally snubbing her fame-hungry family members? The official answers behind Lindsay's refusal have yet to be revealed, but judging from her current crop of friends, we're praying to the cable gods that either E! comes up with a killer paycheck or Lindsay gives in to Dina's assualt-by-camera tactics. Mainly because Lindsay's new nightlife-traipsing buddies include Lesbian Wingwoman 2.0, a wanna-be music manager and, of course, Samantha Ronson.

· In Extreme Fighting Championship: Mogul Edition, Liberty Media head John Malone and a major shareholder in Barry Diller's IAC took Diller to court over Diller's plan to split his company into five not-so-easy pieces. In his opening day testimony, he accused Diller of selfishly referring to their warm-and-fuzzy, communal corporate multi-conglomerate as "his business," and of having mastered the "'fine art' of taking advantage of the corporate jet." There really is a fine art to that, as Diller has been known to order in entire water polo teams when he suddenly develops a midnight hankering for some Italian. [Variety]
· As soon as celebrated fauxteur Brett Ratner finishes shooting on his Imagine Playboy movie (to be released simultaneously in IMAX Bunny-D!), his next project is looking to be a live-action version of '90s comic book series Harbinger. [Variety]

It's no longer shocking to see a celebrity waltzing around the beach post-op (Courtney Love, anyone?) but, thankfully, most celebs remember to remove their bandages before donning their itsy bitsys. But what if said bandages are there for life? And in the form of their own flesh? Well, if they belong to surgery-happy Patricia Heaton, we will all have the pleasure of viewing them! In light of recent photos showing Ray Romano's television wife in her bikini and missing one bellybutton, the Huffington Post dug up some slightly unreadable details on the magically disappearing must-have and the revelations, like the photos, are not pretty:

Now that he has a charming new mustache, Patrick Stewart must spends hours upon hours in front of a mirror or a video camera doing impressions of Daniel Day Lewis in There Will Be Blood. After each playback, Stewart kicks at a few imaginary rocks and mutters, "That should've been my milkshake!"

Sesame Street Shoe Fairy and part-time unicorn jockey Neil Patrick Harris was cornered by ET recently, who demanded from the How I Met Your Mother star the inside scoop on news that Britney Spears would be making her primetime TV comeback on the CBS sitcom. Responding with all the expert assuredness of an extremely well-read bathroom-literature junkie, Harris expressed "shock that Mme. Spears" was feeling up to the rigors of a role unlike any she has tackled before (she plays a secretary). He then goes on to advance a fascinating theory:

Breaking! Person with gun arrested at Kate Hudson's house! "A woman called 911 after seeing what she thought were men on her roof with a rifle. When cops arrived, they found two young men, one with a camera and one with an unloaded rifle. From what we're hearing on the scene, the men are telling cops they are shooting a movie — and NYU is nearby. Both men are in cuffs and are still being interviewed at the scene." If it later comes out that one of them was shirtless, it will only confirm our suspicion: That those intrepid Tisch undergrads will stop at nothing to get their sweded version of Fool's Gold on tape. [TMZ]

Thanks to Judd Apatow's loveable stoner humor and the mass excitement caused by the impending Harold and Kumar sequel, it seems that pot and pot-loving celebs are inching closer and closer to mainstream acceptance. But news of which stars contributed tips to celebrity stoner lit's latest entry, Pot Culture, has us harkening back to the days when Bob Dylan and Woody Harrelson gave long-winded interviews to High Times. Though the names aren't exactly A-list, the pieces of advice on how to get merrily mellow are far more creative than any pothead logic we've ever heard. Find out who lays out DIY instructions on how to construct your own gravity bong, who demonstrates the always-reliable apple bong technique, and who gets away with lying to their husband about her toking habit by covering up the smell with lip gloss after the jump.

At last night's Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, Justin Timberlake reignited some long-dead interest in Madonna's sex life by revealing one of her current flirting tactics. And while it doesn't compare with a simulated blow job, it may be more effective in today's health-concerned times. It seems that when Justin and Madge got together to work on her next album, Hard Candy, she dipped into her bag of tricks and fetched a liquid-filled syringe. And even though the injections in question didn't contain GHB or roofies, they did have this desirable effect on Timberlake:

A truly stunning nighttime photo suite of Neverland Ranch, the precursor to such other children-and-one-adult-male-populated ghost towns as Kid Nation's Bonanza City, has surfaced on Flickr. Beneath a starry Santa Barbara sky, such featured attractions as the Sea Dragon, the carousel, and the Huckleberry Finn Boys-Only Dunk Tank And Swedish Sauna Dry-Off Room lie in a state of suspended animation—merely waiting to snap back to life the moment its self-exiled proprietor successfully refinances one of his own children, freeing up the funds to tidy up the Bubble-bones and return the amusement estate to its former glory.

By now, we realize that we were "pap'd" by the Paris-and-Guru photo opportunity a few weeks ago, which was orchestrated by the devious media mastermind Ashton Kutcher and broadcast on Sunday night as part of his new show Pop Fiction. In the clip above, we watch Paris engage in her pre-hoax therapy-style production meeting, where she states that there is a "time and place" for all the paparazzi attacks launched against her, but that she has become exhausted by all of the unwanted attention. In order to put the papps in their place, she decided to combat all the unwanted press and guerilla forces NOT by avoiding attention, but rather by hitting some of her favorite hotspots with a mint-addicted healer impersonator in tow. That'll show em!

· 20/20 gets to the bottom of that whole bogus sob story about Tori Spelling spending the majority of her adult life on the brink of poverty. As John Stossel would say, "Give me a break!" Are we right, people?
· Report: Fake-love may have gone sour for Star Jones and gay husband.
· Joe Francis in transit: The flashcore mogul is being released from Nevada jail to face his Panama City, Fla. charges.
· It's a PR miracle! A big feature about The Dark Knight in the NY Times that doesn't reference Heath Ledger's death until the 17th paragraph!
· Britney Spears has been granted a $1500-per-week debit card allowance, which she'll burn through on the first day with one glorious Pinkberry containing double-servings of every available topping.
· Ah, we never tire of looking at pictures of the ageless Catherine Zeta-Jones and the ageful Michael Douglas.

A lawyer for Andrew Koenig, aka Growing Pain's Richard Milhous "Boner" Stabone, pleaded in Pasadena court today on behalf of their client, who was detained by police for ten hours on New Year's Day for jumping in front of a China-themed Rose Parade float holding a sign that said "China: Free Burma." Interesting Boner fun facts: While his fictional father was Sylvester Stabone, Andrew's real father is Walter Koenig, aka Star Trek's Lt. Pavel Chekov! [Pasadena Weekly]

Following a season of Project Runway is something akin to sticking your head in a gay pinball machine, at the end of which enough "fierces" and "feroches" have ricocheted off your skull to cause your brain to dissolve into a soft pink foam and run out your ears. It's an effect not entirely lost on the writers of SNL, who noticed that the search for America's Next Top Designer You'll Probably Never Hear From Again was perhaps a sconch over-reliant on oft-repeated catchphrases, whose non-meanings decreased with each sassy intonation. And we'd be remiss in not presenting the Fierce Trannie Hot Mess Gold Star to Amy Poehler, who really manages to capture the dippy, squared-off smile of Runway victor Christian Siriano.

We guide you now to Gawker for complete coverage of the shocking—simply shocking!—sex scandal in which New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer currently finds himself embroiled, as all we at Defamer are interested in is who should play Eliot and wife Silda in the inevitable CBS Movie of the Week:

Straight out of a Melrose Place marathon on Lifetime, Heather Locklear was at the center of a dramatic series of (Exclusive!) stories posted online over the weekend having to do with a phantom 911 call and alleged suicide attempts. Some said the call came from Locklear, some said her psychiatrist, and others said they didn't care. But as the workweek began and actual reporters took to the stage, it seems as though the story was nothing more than an overreaction to one in a sea of myriad false positives raging through the LAPD phone lines daily. So who started the hubbub in the first place? And was the call in question coming from...inside the house?

Via Glitterati Magazine, we bring you this photo of a visibly delighted Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa taking in one of the female bodybuilders featured in the Martin Schoeller photography exhibition at the ACE Gallery in Beverly Hills. (We recommend not clicking on the thumbnails while eating, or having pleasant thoughts about the female body). Beyond just demonstrating an appreciation for their tank-like derrieres and rock-solid muscle-racks, that ear-to-ear grin on the Mayor's face was also a telling sign of the optimism he feels about his bold and controversial new citywide initiative, in which these living she-beasts will be placed on the front lines of the seemingly unwinnable L.A. gang wars.

As you may have heard a million and one times today, last night was the series finale of HBO's The Wire, David Simon's sad and probing look into the lives of some people who lived in an American city once. Today there has been heaps of coverage about the last gasp of the Greatest Television Show In The History of Ever, and it can be a little daunting to sort through it. So, we've gone ahead and put together a little digest of some of the more interesting write-ups after the jump. Plus, a little video bonus. Shiiiiiit. Goodnight, Baltimore.

After hearing from Pink is the New Blog that Britney Spears is slated to guest-star in an episode of How I Met Your Mother, we fear that the CBS producers behind the idea haven't had the pleasure of sitting through her 2006 appearance on Will & Grace. W&G gave her the one role she wouldn't even have to "act" her way through—a perky television personality with a right-wing agenda—and she still made the episodes featuring J. Lo and Janet Jackson look downright Emmy-worthy. And despite sunny reports about the cast's read-through this morning (a source says Spears was "really funny" and "very professional"), TMZ is calling gimmick:

Two-thirds of the American Idol grand jury stopped by The View today to promote their various side-projects (the completely pitchy-free Randy Jackson's Music Club, Volume 1 in stores now, dawg!) and dish about the greatest tournament in competitive karaoke history.

· The Groundlings Lecture Series offers up a Conversation With Lisa Kudrow, where she'll talk about her life and her resume in a Q&A with Ted Michaels. At this point, you'll have to know someone to get into this sold-out show at the Groundlings Theater, but this is LA. Everyone knows someone.
· Your evening's musical choices include checking out Cut Copy at the Echo, Ed Hardcourt at the Echoplex or Lizz Wright at the Hotel Café.
· The Goethe Institute pays tribute to director Werner Herzog with a screening of three of his documentaries: Herakles, Huie's Sermon and Lessons of Darkness.