Singer/actress/Game Day curse Jessica Simpson was recently treated for a kidney infection at Cedars-Sinai, according to People today. Though her rep assures us she's been released and is doing just fine, our ears tend to perk up whenever we hear of a troubled starlet being rushed to the hospital for all kinds of issues, be they asthma attacks or a simple case of the Batshits. But this is the first time in recent memory that a celeb has attributed their hospital visit to the kind of condition one generally (well, pretty much always) associates with the joy of sex. We did a bit of research, and came up with our top three guesses on what (or who) sent Jess to the operating table, after the jump.

It's been only five weeks since Jennifer "Don't Call Me J. Lo" Lopez gave birth to twins and, magically, the singing sensation seems to have withered down to her pre-baby weight. Though we have often been mystified by what Jennifer does — particularly by her decision-making process post Wedding Planner in choosing which films to star in — her desire to quickly trim down doesn't surprise us in the slightest. To that end, we compared Lopez's figure from before Marc Anthony worked his magic on her urgent uterus to a photo of her weeks before she popped to her stunning appearance last night at the New York premiere of Shine A Light.

The impossible dream imagined last year as word of the scintillating, straight-to-DVD Zombie Strippers — an actual movie starring Jenna Jameson and Nightmare on Elm Street veteran Robert Englund — circulated around the Web inched closer to reality last week, with Sony Pictures so certain of the magic at hand that it announced theatrical releases in more than a dozen cities April 18. A note slipped over the Defamer transom this morning (with the accompanying poster) alluded to "worldwide media sensation" Jameson's role in a strip club that gets hit with a secret government virus: "As one of the strippers gets the virus, she turns into a supernatural, flesh-eating zombie stripper, making her the hit of the club. Do the rest of the girls fight the temptation to be like the star stripper, even if there is no turning back?" We can hardly wait to find out, though we're guessing that like all canonical zombie films with ripe moral metaphors on hand, only a forceful 20-spot to the G-string can save the afflicted dancers from an eternity of brain-chomping damnation. [Sony Pictures]

On an unsupervised field trip, Britney Spears quickly revert to her old ways again. After aimlessly driving around Eagle Rock for what seemed to be hours, Spears unable to find a convenience store or a gas station, ran to the nearest set of bushes to take care of some necessary business.

Having flirted with dangerous levels of underexposure since winning her Best Screenplay Oscar a little over a month ago, Diablo Cody is back with a double-barreled blast of creative miracles. First up, The Hollywood Reporter notes that Cody's long-rumored comedy series The United States of Tara — starring Toni Collette as the title character afflicted with multiple personalities — is nearing a full-season order from Showtime. We can handle this without much difficulty — and by "handle" we mean "believe," because the second project has the calendar-conscious skeptic in us praying for an April Fool's Day revelation:

We've never tuned in to The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch, having assumed the CNBC show featuring the ad exec and Speedo aficionado was just a pointless platform for a Type A, macho metrosexual to get his fame-fix on. Imagine our shock, then, when we tuned in to find beloved, self-destructive comic Artie Lange—looking heavier and more heart-attack-prone than ever—being subjected to a cupcakeboarding rendition at the hands of his merciless, pink-necktied inquisitor.

· NBC is close to unveiling their very fantasy- and action-heavy 2008-09 lineup, including a pickup of Knight Rider, and Robinson Crusoe, an "'adrenaline-charged' update of the classic tale." Said Ben Silverman, "We just wanted to give audiences a viable alternative to all the really, really gay stuff Steve McPherson seems to love so much over at ABC." [Variety]
· The heirs of Superman creator Jerome Seigel have won a lawsuit against Warner Bros. that could cost the studio millions. This all comes courtesy of attorney Marc Toberoff, who's pursued similar claims against the studio on such other projects as Wild Wild West, Dukes of Hazzard, Smallville, and Get Smart, earning him the nickname "The Copyright Crusader," or, as WB execs refer to him, "Ass Tumor." [Variety]
· The first organized protests by a Fanboys fan group called the 501st are not likely to elicit any pants-soiling from Harvey Weinstein: "The 501st claims 14 members showed up in New York and, when confronted by two security guards, chose to go inside and pay to see 21 instead." They are now planning a 21 demonstration for later in the week, protesting the film's "lack of quality Kate Bosworth boobage." [THR]

Because our Sunday wouldn't have been the same without at least four hours committed to work, Defamer crashed yesterday's U.S. press conference for the new Martin Scorsese/Rolling Stones concert film Shine a Light. It's not half-bad for Stones or Scorsese fans, with a rangy set list and intoxicating camerawork that both might run a little long for the average viewer. Not easily starstruck, we nevertheless felt a mild succession of twinges upon the band and their director's entrance ("Holy shit, Keith Richards really does look like that," etc.), none more acute than when a Paramount publicist, clearly by accident, let us sneak a question in.

A frustrated, out-of-work actor has taken to Craigslist in search of "alternative methods" to prepare for an upcoming audition: "One of my friends suggested I get into white magic, but I think I should find a expert or someone who knows what they are doing...if you could write me with whatever idea/spell you have to help me that would be great, because like I said I have never done this before." It's actually not the craziest idea we've ever heard, but we'd caution that this sort of thing isn't for the casual dark arts dabbler; properly casting a casting spell is a science, if anything, requiring just the right measurements of eye of lapdog, hair of Andy Dick, and breath of 1st AD. [Craigslist]

While Samantha Ronson may do a so-so impression of Michael Jordan in the late 80s, Ronson can't be that much of a positive influence in Lindsay Lohan's life seeing as how she allowed Lindsay to leave the house looking like that. Even if it's a trip to the market, it's okay to say, "Hey, why not give those tights a rest and put on some sweats?" Ronson's job as a friend is to support, but also to step in and say enough is enough.

Judging by some of the odder items featured on Juno Lynn Spears' alleged baby registry, it seems as though the 16 year-old is hopeful that her precious little one will turn out to be another Spears family cash cow. As People revealed this morning, Jamie Lynn drove over 80 miles from her home in Kentwood to register her bundle of joy at Babies R Us (we're guessing the internet must've been down in Kentwood?). Listed among necessities like strollers and baby monitors priced at $199, the mommy-to-be has picked out some jazzy presents designed to jump start an infant's road to insta-stardom, which will likely come via a role on some Nickelodeon song-and-dance show. See the full list, including the Idol-in-training items, after the jump.

Arguably the last Hollywood reach-around that still truly matters, it's hardly a surprise to see some of the world's biggest stars line up for their turn to get slimed at the Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Awards—a relatively minor price to pay to ingratiate yourself to a new generation of prepubescent fans, who'll come away viewing you not just as some relic steeped in old-man smell, but as certified lunchbox-adornment material.

Our condolences go out this morning to Paramount, whose sulky, twangy, denim-and-rippling-flesh marketing push for Stop-Loss couldn't trick weekend moviegoers into checking out yet another Iraq War message movie. At Defamer HQ, the search for answers behind the disappointing $4.5 million gross — too many muscle shirts? Ryan Phillippe/Abbie Cornish babymaking rumors peaked too soon? — extended to the conservative journal Men's News Daily, where crack industry analyst Greg Strange's devastating Monday-morning hindsight is sharper than ever:

Second guess your Monday morning instinct to feed that neckware noose into the office paper shredder with the knowledge that there really is something to live for: the box office numbers:

The Great Film Critic Euthanizing of 2008 continued over the weekend with its highest-profile casualty yet: David Ansen, the highly respected 30-year veteran at Newsweek, joined 110 colleagues in accepting a buyout that Variety's Anne Thompson reports included "a sweetened pension, health coverage until age 65, and two years' salary." Plus he keeps a contributing editor title at the magazine, chipping in occasionally with reviews, features and whatever else Newsweek's fast-shrinking newshole can accommodate starting in 2009.

Sacha "Borat" Baron "Ali G" Cohen is working on his upcoming flick about his character "Bruno," the supergay Austrian fashion reporter. Since everyone on both coasts (except for Ben Affleck) is obviously too familiar with his work to be punked, Bruno has traveled to the heart of flyover land, Wichita, Kansas. Where he was captured on film doing supergay stuff! His act reportedly "almost looked like pornography," at least to Kansas sensibilities. After the jump, video [via Towleroad] of Bruno and his funky pants dance, which brings joy to the dreary confines of the Wichita terminal.

Because Three-Word Week was a such a hit, today we're going to see if we can go one better with just two:
· Britney's triumph.
· Fields's Fifth?
· LAT Puff'd.
· Tempering Indy.
· DreamWorks's divorce.
· Sumner Cruising.
· Darth Bob.
· Dejennifying Judy.
· Joker hereafter.
· Single/Hairy.
· Sambora: Swerving.
· Marshall backlash.
· Hills Wisdom.
· Littlest Lamas.
· Sixteen Questions.
· Chésee's rendezvous.
· Hasselbeck's metaphor.
· Love, out.
· Upchucky Games.
· Saving Swayze.
· Fierce Peeps.
· "Gayest faces."
· $35 cineplex.
· "Thanks, Arthur."

· Joe Francis educates Chelsea Handler on the finer differences between prison and jail. Misogynist and woman-hater, however, still essentially mean the same thing. [Chelsea Lately]
· Great news everyone! Courtney Love is "GETTING MY FICO NUMBER FIXED! ALL THE FRAUD IS GETTING CLEANSED OFF THERE! ITS SO EXCITING." We hope that puts the final nail in the "Courtney is crazy" coffin, folks. As you can plainly see, with her FICO number fixed and the $70 million fraud all cleansed off, she's never been more clear of mind. [My Space]
· Sacha Baron Cohen has apparently taken the Bruno party to Kansas, where "[airport] security workers became concerned when [a European man] stripped down to tight shorts and began kissing, dancing and fighting in the lobby." He was also spotted at a local church's Easter pageant, where he "showed up in chains." [Faded Youth]
· This item about Tom Cruise milling about the Star Trek movie set (don't worry—he's not in it) reminded us of something that had completely slipped our minds: Tom's bearish cameo in Tropic Thunder! [The Scoop]
· Madonna is worried about the tonsil-hockey-partner who got away. [abcnews]
· Any listing of The 50 Greatest TV Shows of All Time is bound to provoke debate, but Empire's utters the words "The Littlest Hobo" in the very first sentence, instantly setting things off to a promising start. [Empire]

You've got to wake up puh-retty early in the morning to pull a fast one past the celebrity blogging community, Ashton Kutcher. At least that's what approximately 1200 gossip bloggers were saying today when faced with photos of The Hills supporting ho Audrina Patridge getting some tasty new ink at a Hollywood tattoo parlor. According to OK! magazine, the mystic Chinese phraseology she had etched into her forearm and then paraded, still-oozing, around high-density local paparazzi zones, translates loosely as, "The rice is fried in pork fat." (We throw it open to our Chinese-tattoo-translating readership for a more accurate interpretation.)

The AP's Dave Germain has quite the feverish, myth-churning Heath Ledger tribute making the rounds today, positioning the late actor's final film The Dark Knight as "arguably the biggest movie featuring a posthumous role in Hollywood history." But don't get your hopes up! The A-list parade of Ledger devotees that follows keeps his subtlety and charm as the Joker in ever-modest perspective: