TV's Kiefer Sutherland shied away from even the very faintest sign of PDA while in New York City's Meatpacking district this morning. Sutherland seemed far too concerned with the commotion in the building across the way, wondering if he would have to be called into some 'neck snapping' action. In addition, Sutherland remarked to the mystery woman, "How can I hold your hand AND smoke my cigarette AND carry my umbrella all at the same time?"

· Brad Pitt's shingle, Plan B in name only (we're looking at you, Aniston), buys rights to David Grann manuscript, "Lost City of Z," for Pitt to produce and star in. [Variety]
· Helen Mirren and Christopher Plummer replace Meryl Streep and Anthony Hopkins in Tolstoy biopic The Last Station, putting the production down two Oscars but up two Golden Globes (wink!). [Variety]

"Misunderstood" John Cusack fan Emily Leatherman was arrested Sunday outside the actor's home for violating the restraining order Cusack obtained in 2006 that stipulated she stay at least 500 feet away from him. Leatherman, who at the time explained that her actions were less about stalking Cusack and more about seeking his help to convince the police they should investigate her claim that she was drugged and raped in 2001, had taken a cab to Cusack's but couldn't pay the fare — a rom-com set-up if we ever saw one! But instead of covering the charge and then having Leatherman pay him back over a lengthy period of time (during which their improbable encounter would surely blossom into love and a satisfying marriage held in a taxi), the actor flagged down cops who had responded to the situation and told them the following: bitch crazy!

The film-critic deathwatch we launched here way back in January (and continued yesterday) hit The New York Times this morning, when part-time Oscar gadfly and inveterate media observer David Carr surveyed the carnage from the sidelines. It's not a story we haven't been hearing for years, but Carr's essential access to insiders from Scott Rudin to Michael Lacey — the bloodthirsty boss of the New Times chain currently decimating New York's Village Voice — hints that conventional wisdom among film and publishing types won't be reconciled any time soon:

As Jennifer Aniston announced her plans to launch a new production company called Echo Films with longtime producing partner Kristin Hahn (formerly partners with Aniston and Brad Pitt at Plan B), we couldn't help but notice a running theme associated with the majority of their projects in the works. It seems that recent disses from Angelina Jolie and those gushy rumors in all the weeklies claiming she's fallen for (yet failed to nab) co-star after co-star have inspired Echo to pursue production of a number of Women Seeking Revenge Against Men themed films. These flicks will provide Aniston with the opportunity for Aniston to use the power of cinema to address everyone in Hollywood who has labeled her as a Pity Party Girl. After the jump, we take a closer look at the projects they've lined up to get a sense of what kinds of stories Aniston wants to tell moviegoers.

In a fairly unprecedented move for a film critic at a major publication, New York Magazine's David Edelstein issued an apology for his eulogy last week attributing late filmmaker Anthony Minghella's artistic slump to the meddling of his studio backer (and good friend) Harvey Weinstein. "I had decided to eat shit even before Harvey called," Edelstein wrote today. Wait — Harvey actually called? "Yes, he called — did you think he wouldn't?" Edelstein continued. "He was the soul of politeness, believe it or not. He said he cried for hours when he got the news. He said Minghella came to him with most of the projects. He said despite his 'Harvey Scissorhands' reputation, Minghella was not a man whose work you recut." Edelstein (who also noted Defamer's reaction at the time) later reaffirmed his right to give Harvey shit at a later time, to which we hear Weinstein recommended the Oct. 31 release date of Kevin Smith's latest, Zack and Miri Make a Porno. [NYM]

Professional train wreck Janice Dickinson proudly displayed what made her one of the most in demand models in the 1980s. Unfortunately for Dickinson (but much to the delight of the paparazzi), she remained stuck in that position for the rest of the afternoon. Fortunately, though, this provided her with an opportunity to tell a long and rambling story about the situation reminded her of this one time she went to Studio 54 with David Bowie and Pia Zadora.

Despite reports that How I Met Your Mother has already ridden the Britney ratings train to fourth season security, the show can't ... stop ... stunting! In a season that's already given us the varied guesting talents of Enrique Iglesias, Mandy Moore, Heidi Klum, Vanessa Minnillo, Sarah Chalke and, of course, Miss Spears herself, E! is reporting that James Van Der Beek is now paddling himself out of the increasingly swampy confines of Obscurity Creek and into the Land Of Laugh Tracks.

There's nothing inherently sexy about the ongoing labor disputes between producers and writers, producers and directors, producers and actors and whatever other banal kerfuffles you care to conjure. But the SAG/AFTRA square-off pitting actors against producers and themselves is quite a tentpole-ready disaster in the making, setting up a showdown that could torch yet another slate of projects on Hollywood's horizon:

Have the airbrushing elves at Vanity Fair gotten a little too nip-and-tucky in their April cover story on Madonna? As those nitpicky Fleet Street Brits over at The Daily Mail suggest, photos from inside the mag that show the nearly 50 year-old legend contorting herself into all sorts of quasi-sexy poses to prove her flexibility, barely resemble actual pictures taken of Madonna in real life. Madge was happy to show off her massive muscles at this year's Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, and she rarely attempts to cover up when snapped venturing in and out of the gym, so why would the art directors at VF feel the need to smudge away each and every sign of her taut muscles? A mag spokesman claims they simply did "just a little work on skin tones and blemishes," but we decided to compare the real Madonna to the magically morphed piece of art seen in this month's issue after the jump:

We awoke this morning with our fully-charged Defamer prank sensors cranked high, awaiting the torrent of breaking non-news that would challenge us throughout April Fool's Day. Our first alarm sounded at Variety, where Pamela McClintock dumped the timetables for studios' award-season hopefuls and thus launched the trade's unofficial 2008 Oscar Race Handicapping Guide.

We've got two quick announcements to lead the day. And no, neither of them have anything to do with April Fool's Day (we tend to defer to Ashton Kutcher when it comes to pranking, punk'ing and pap'ing). First things first, Seth is taking a much deserved and long overdue vacation and will be gone for the next two weeks. While we're not entirely sure where he went, we have it on good authority that he's gone south of the equator in an attempt to infiltrate X17's secret island paparazzo boot camp. Fingers crossed that all of his covert training paid off!

· They announced Kathy Lee Gifford's addition to The Today Show family this morning, apparently the final clause of her Eternal Betrothal to Satan back in the early '80s. (Fun Fact: Née Kathy Lee Epstein, Gifford "grew up in a culturally Jewish environment, but she became a born-again Christian at the age of 12.") [Today]
· Stars of the WWF have been relieved of their bitch-tits for the sake of public decency. [Orlando Sentinel]
· A Bahamian inquest rules Daniel Smith died of an accidental overdose, like his mom. [ABC News]
· A list of 166 songs allegedly deemed inappropriate for airplay by ClearChannel in the weeks following 9/11. (Probably old news, but new to us.) Oddly, Ashlee Simpson's "(Like A) Jet Plane Slamming in the Towers of My Heart" is nowhere to be found. [Wikipedia]
· SNL's Kenan Thompson narrowly avoids a Mary-Ann fate. [TSG]

We've spent a long time now with the freewheeling, Emmy-winning Jeremy Piven of Today: Oozing confidence from every pore of his shredded, hairless body (save for his scalp), that Piven is an Arian super-man. It's enough to make you forget about the Jeremy Piven of Yesterday, as featured in the clip above from a 1995 episode of Chicago Hope. Playing a patient with a stubbornly persistent erection (an ominous harbinger of things to come? Discuss), that Piven comes far closer to the Piven we first grew to love: Back when the hairline was making a break for the border, chest fur rolled across his torso like tumbleweeds, and carbohydrates still played a series regular role in his diet.

Katherine Heigl continues to ever so subtly remind her husband Josh "Call Me Joshua" Kelley that she does, and always will, wear the pants in their frightening relationship. This time, domestic issues are going beyond proving her social dominance or explaining on national television that their marriage would likely dissolve should they be forced to spend two consecutive weeks together. No, now Katie's moved on to the touchy topic of having Heiglets. And unsurprisingly, she plans on having them when she wants them, no matter how unready Joshua may be. As she puts it, "I think he'd prefer to wait a little more time, but I kind of wouldn't." [People]

Before beginning a speech that was to be about how the American public school system needs to improve the quality of sex education classes, Kate Walsh said, "I should know a thing or two about medicine since I've played a doctor on two consecutive hit TV shows, and I also attended Katherine Heigl's wedding." Then Walsh went on a long and rambling diatribe that bore more resemblance to a String Cheese Incident concert than the speech her publicist had prepared. Walsh railed on topics like the crippling impact the WGA strike had her show, Private Practice, Will Ferrell's body odor, the Jonas Brothers' eyebrows situation, health care in America, the appeal of Tracey Ullman and the inability to find a decent piece of red velvet cake in Southern California.

Predictable as it was by America's right-wing box-office seers, Stop-Loss' flat opening wasn't the only high-visibility stumble out of the gate last weekend. The Weinsteins' Superhero Movie barely cracked $10 million, a fraction of the early takes for previous installments of the lucrative spoof quasi-franchise that includes Scary Movie, Date Movie et. al. While immediate speculation focused on the impact of the threatened Fanboys Solidarity Movement boycott, we're quite fond of Steven Zeitchik's take both postulating the Bob Saget Rule and suggesting superhero movies are send-ups all their own:

Our apologies if things seem to be running a little slow at Defamer HQ today. We have been experiencing a number of technical issues throughout the course of the day that have affected our publishing process, which is why you've seen that J. Lo story ride the top of the homepage for the last two hours. We have also caught word that comments have been on the fritz for patches of time throughout the day, too. We have been assured that our devoted crew of Nick Burns aficionados are on the case, we hope to have everything up to snuff soonish. Thanks for your patience.

A helpful operative happened to notice a Banksyian homage to everyone's favorite cultural-attaché-seeking (or maybe seeking no longer? We'd love a hiring update!) superproducer-entity, Brian Grazer. They write in to explain:

· Even though the game has already started, it's worth noting that today is Opening Day at Dodger Stadium. Dodger dogs all around, play ball!
· We all know that Donna Martin graduated, but can she read? Check out Tori Spelling presenting sTORI telling at Book Soup to find out.
· The New Beverly is presenting a double dose of Wes Anderson this evening; they'll be showing The Darjeeling Limited and The Royal Tenebaums back-to-back.
· Bring your dancing shoes if you decide to hit up Justice and Diplo at the Mayan Theater, Pete Rock at Amoeba or Voxhaul Broadcast at Spaceland.
[Photo Credit: AP]