As much as we'd like to believe that Chris Farley's time on earth was a shouting, dancing laugh fest until its too-soon end, his brother Tom's new book, The Chris Farley Show: A Biography in Three Acts, shatters our (admittedly quite flimsy) illusions about his life. Excerpts from the book will run in May's Playboy — finally, you can say "I bought it for the articles!" and truly mean it — but Page Six has two distressing quotes this morning from his fellow Not Ready For Prime Time Players. Particularly sad — Farley BFF David Spade recalls a time when his pal's heckling went well beyond "fat guy in a little coat:"

Maybe there's no need to feel sorry for Jennifer Aniston after all. Despite the tear-drenched interviews post-Brangelina, the constant inductions of Chosen Ones, and all the hits and misses when it comes to on-set dating, Jen may not have to spend her spare time on-set chatting up whoever happens to be standing next to her in line at the craft service table. Several reports claim that Orlando Bloom spent his Friday night flirting with Aniston at a party thrown by Hollywood hairdresser to the stars, Ken Paves. But as you might recall, this isn't the first time Orlandiston sparked rumors. Back in October, the pair were spotted in Mexico sharing the same veranda in skimpy swimwear (pictures after the jump)...

Hey, that rich white boy can breakdance. Well, sort of. On last night's Real Housewives of New York City, the Countess LuAnn's daughter son Noelle took breakdancing lessons from a man named Cyclone. He later performed in front of his family (including the Count himself) and was heartily praised, most of all by Countess LuAnn, who was glad to see him getting involved in something artistic (other than, you know, the cello at school). It was a fairly sweet moment, and yet still bleakly representative of everything that is wrong with these people. Breakdancing lessons? From an instructor who comes to your mansion? Really?? Talk about co-opting and stuffing money into an unpluggable hole. These women are smearing themselves and their families with cash and rubies and chic "urban" things like breakdancing to mask the cheap, desperate stink they wallow in daily. OK, yes her husband's a fucking old money Count but her name is LuAnn and she considers wealth a personality trait. So do the rest of these clueless, lovable, and insanely irritating gorgons. Let's find out what they're up to!

Coming off a $10 million sale of his comedy Hamlet 2 at Sundance, Michael Eisner's son Eric appears to have lost his film-producing partner to mob-related foul play. Page Six reports today that Leonid Rozhetskin, a 41-year-old Russian-born, US-educated lawyer-turned-billionaire telecommunications baron, was reported missing 10 days ago and that "[b]lood matching his DNA has since been found on the floor" of his home in Latvia. His plane is also AWOL.

After yesterday's story about a New York magazine critic apologizing to Harvey Weinstein, and the critic's suspect assertion that his apology was independent of the sharp-elbowed former Miramax chief, we heard from a well-placed media veteran who said Weinstein has long loved to brag about his ability to extract such concessions, and in fact about how he effectively owns New York media. It turns out the bragging is not entirely without reason. Said the tipster: "Name any media outlet and there is a 'best friend/recent connection that I [Weinstein] can call to kill stories/get a retraction' from." It didn't take a lot of digging to figure out what the source meant. A quick rundown of Weinstein's top-of-the-masthead connections:

· Just to prove that we're not total April Fool's Day Grinches, Defamer video wizard par excellence Molly McAleer created this special trivia game just for you, the Defamer audience. Enjoy!
· Move aside Mario, it's time for The Legend Of Zelda: The Movie. [IGN]
· Hey, if Michael Haneke can remake Funny Games, why can't Steven Spielberg remake Jaws? [Bloody Disgusting]
· All those rumors you heard about the Justice League movie being troubled were wrong. Both Christian Bale and Brandon Routh just inked deals to star in the film. [Cinematical]
· And if that didn't make your geek juices flow, get ready for Superman vs. Spiderman ... in 3-D! [/Film]

After comments about Ryan Phillippe's role as a gay teen on One Life to Live earned Jay Leno more attention than any picket line-crossing or old car-driving ever could, the late night host has issued an apology. In a statement released to People, Leno takes the classic "I'm sorry you misunderstood me" route, saying:

A few pops of crank were really the only thing that kept us awake during director Alejandro González Iñárritu's excruciating Oscar bait exercises Babel and 21 Grams, so imagine our shock today upon receiving a press release announcing that the Mexican filmmaker has signed on as the creative force behind three anti-meth ads in infamously meth-friendly Montana:

· Out on supporting their totally bad-ass new album, Attack & Release, The Black Keys are at the Wiltern (and we highly recommend taking this dude up on this offer), Abbot Kinney rocks Spaceland and Lili Haydn will be at the Roxy.
· Gallery 1988 allows you to relive your childhood through its "nostalgia-fueled exhibition devoted to the toys of yesteryear." [Via Flavorpill]
· Author A.M. Homes presents the autobiographical The Mistress's Daughter at Skylight Books. The book tells about her experiences being given up for adoption by a woman who conceived her through an adulterous affair with an older man, as well as her account of what happened when they came back for her 30 years later.

At a screening of the upcoming film, Smart People, Sarah Jessica Parker played Henry Higgins as she displayed her latest creation, a fierce and more girly Ellen Page. Page described the experience like being on an episode of "What Not To Wear," but with a heavy emphasis on shoes. Parker hopes that this fresh look put an end to all of those rumors surrounding Page the past few months.

Please join us for our latest installment of The Hills: Words of Wisdom. As we learned last week, the cast is very gifted when it comes to doling out life lessons, and last night's back-to-back episodes contained no shortage of incredibly valuable tips and advice when it comes to just, you know, living life and stuff. Among the topics briefed in today's feature are the benefits of quitting smoking ("the whole no-cancer thing!"), why computers are just silly (they're "hard"), and one very profound discover made on behalf of Mr. Spencer Pratt: "There's no bright side." Spencer, were we in your position of bleachy dumpdom, relying on Sister Methanie for advice, we couldn't agree more. Watch, and as always, learn.

Keanu Reeves, who hasn't made moviegoers go "Whoa" since he chose the red pill 9 years ago, tells MTV.com that a third Bill & Ted movie is still on the table. Revealing a heretofore unknown "decades" rule in Bill & Ted filmmaking, the actor said "The most serious we [Reeves and pal/co-star Alex Winter] ever got was a few years ago. I had once mentioned about doing it when we were 40. Now maybe the only shot we have is to do it when we're 50. Ted Theodore Logan and Bill S. Preston, Esquire, at age 50? Bogus!

Even without going to the stunt casting well, last night's How I Met Your Mother managed to rate. Take a gander at the throwback tag that reunited Neil Patrick Harris with the giant-cursored royal blue diary screen and plonky soundtrack that made him famous in the first place. After an episode in which Harris' Barney revisits all the schemes he's employed to get women into bed, he thoughtfully types the evening's lesson:

Before her marriage to Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes was not considered to be much of a fashion chameleon. Her Dawson's Creek era hairstyle — an unassuming, just-out-of-bed look — matched her sense of style, and there was no reason for her to frequently change her look to keep up with the times. But then came Tom. And Suri. And Posh. And suddenly, Katie's "look" was something to be observed, altering rapidly with each life change, and now, her brand-new page boy cut is a certifiable oddity. We put together a montage of the various styles that Katie has undergone in the last two years; strangely enough, as her hair has gotten shorter and shorter, her transformation has resulted in an eerie resemblance to both Tom's silky cut and little Suri's bob.

Apparently striving for the kind of publicity that ads featuring contorted, half-naked hipsters just can't buy, American Apparel's short-lived "Woody Allen is Our Spiritual Leader" campaign finally attracted a lawsuit this week. The AP reports that the writer-director, whose rabbi get-up from Annie Hall was featured last year on the clothing retailer's billboards (with the Yiddish caption "the holy rebbe") wants $10 million for "blatant misappropriation and commercial use of Allen's image":

That cocksure smile of George Clooney says what we're all thinking. Namely, Clooney Sandwich.

After seeing these photos of Lara Flynn Boyle signing autographs at Mr. Chow last night, we're honestly wondering whether or not those fans even knew whose John Hancock they were requesting. Boyle, mostly remembered either for her crazy skin-and-bones years while dating Jack Nicholson or that flouncy ballerina dress she wore to the 2003 Oscars, is now under suspicion by the weeklies of going under one (or seven) wild surgery procedures. And while our before-and-after photos after the jump make their assertion difficult to protest, we're also wondering if this new look has anything to do with a little film she just completed called Life Is Hot In Cracktown.

Patrick Swayze's fellow celebrities shouldn't be blamed for making such a public show of their sympathy for the cancer-stricken actor. Even if it would be more seemly to pass on their good wishes in person, or privately, they can't always dodge reporters' questions. But do stars like Kelly Lynch really have to promote the pernicious notion that a positive attitude can help against a disease as deadly as Swayze's pancreatic cancer?

The hyper-sensitive Defamer April Fool's Bullshit Scanner went off again moments ago as we browsed ABC.com's exclusive screenplay review of W, Oliver Stone's upcoming biopic about the transition of George W. Bush from spoiled drunk Texas asshole to election-stealing, malaprop-slinging, Jesus-loving Texas asshole. To this very moment, in fact, we can't verify the legitimacy of Marcus Baram's trenchant read-through whose very headline — "Daddy Issues, War Lust in Oliver Stone's W" — flirts with incredulity. To that end, we combed through Baram's script review in an attempt to determine the moments that seem authentic versus those that appear to be inexplicably hacky:

The new 90210 has its first cast member, and (yipee!), he's got a blog. Here's what we know so far about 22-year-old Dustin Milligan, who previously played the CW series lottery with a starring role in Runaway: