· Here's what we can tell you about NBC's Celebrity Circus, possibly the most significant televised amateur circus event in recent history: Joey Fatone will be ringmaster. Scheduled to appear: Christopher Knight, Rachel Hunter, Antonio Sabato Jr., Blu Cantrell, and Jason "Wee Man" Acuna, whom we'll assume will be fired at some point from the Lil' Caesar's Cannon of Doom™. [Variety]
· Fox is sitting atop the big studio heap entering into the summer box office season (OMG! It's almost the summer box office season! Who's excited?!), but Warner Bros., with its one-two-three punch of Speed Racer, Get Smart, and The Dark Knight should comfortably take the lead. (Especially when you look at Fox's roster: Eddie Murphy's Dave and The X-Files: I'm Trying As Hard As I Can To Buy This Alien Mumbo-Jumbo, Mulder.) [THR]

Just weeks after NBC unveiled its much-touted, Ben Silverman-approved "family hour"—only to reveal their loose definition of "family" to include the holy hot mamas of 30 Rock's fictional (for now, at least) Mothers I'd Like to Fuck Island, and its inlet of pubescent discovery, Erection Cove—comes news that the network would be repositioning the sitcom in the more engorgement-friendly 9:30 slot, effective immediately:

America's former sweetheart Julia Roberts talked to any one would listen about "the good old days" when she was at the top of the gossip heap. Roberts complained that the stars of today no longer have to go through multiple marriages like they used to in order to get on the cover of People. She went on to explain that she practically pioneered the strategy of dating someone way, way, WAY way out of their league (like she did with Lyle Lovett) in an effort to grab the headlines. Roberts then muttered something under her breath about reality television when the paparazzi quickly exited the scene after getting a hot tip about someone from The Hills shopping at a nearby Sephora.

Further refining his sophisticated public persona from "egregiously self-aware Hollywood hack" to "egregiously self-aware Hollywood hack with a Web site," Michael Bay teased his regular readers Monday with the suggestion that he's making up Transformers 2 news as he goes along. "Sorry everyone, everything you are reading (other then we are shooting in Philly) is false," he wrote in a message-board forum after an open audition call yielded rampant story and script speculation. "We are going to give so much disinformation on this film to confuse everyone."

When Lindsay Lohan falls off the wagon, she falls hard. So hard, in fact, that she spent this past weekend traipsing around New York in what appears to be a long and eventful whopper of a bender. As we reported yesterday, Lindsay spent her Saturday night downing Grey Goose with new roomie Samantha Ronson before promptly (and nostalgically) passing out in a car. But today's NY Post informs us that the night before was far more eventful. Tagging along with Ronson to the Beatrice Inn on Friday night for one of the chain-smoking DJ's gigs, whatever mysterious substances were floating through Lohan's system manifested into a screaming match directed towards teeny tiny Ashley Olsen:

Our love of a good celebrity-falling-down picture is well-documented, but today we bring you something far more precious: A celebrity-being-peed-upon-by-a-dog photo. It's the fabled unicorn of the Embarrassing Celebrity Accidents on Film Realm. Pictured, a passing Toto speaks for the entire Star Wars male fan base with his frank assessment of Natalie Portman's new bearded, bejeweled, patchouli-infused boyfriend, Devendra Banhart. (Click photo for the full-sized picture.)

The contagious, gag-repeating virus that so infamously befell David Letterman a few weeks ago was apparently also contracted last Friday by Jason Segel, who regaled his host at the Ed Sullivan Theater with yet another story about his ween-baring escapades on the set of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Yesterday on Ellen, meanwhile, Segel shared the same anecdote — literally the same one, almost verbatim down to the "Dockers" punchline. The look on Ellen's face is priceless: kind of the knowing, disbelieving grin of a woman praying her audience missed Segel's Letterman appearance and wondering how the imaginative writer of the weekend's top comedy can't find a more clever alternative for "third-string Chippendales model." But it did play well with the ladies, so hey. [video by Molly McAleer]

While running through LAX yesterday, temperamental star Jake Gyllenhaal made a call to both his manager and agent to complain about the size of the airport. Gyllenhaal felt that the airport was too big and that more airports should have a downhome feel like John Wayne does. Gyllenhaal then complained that the security officer who helped the actor through the airport spent too much time asking him how his flight was and not enough fending off the paparazzi. Gyllenhaal then demanded that his agents set up a meeting with Diablo Cody, mainly because he wanted to see how long it would take for him to get her naked. Gyllenhaal then paused for a moment to catch his breath and, when he did, he finally came to his senses and fell directly to the floor. Once on the floor, Gyllenhaal rested in a fetal position and whispered into his phone: "I can't do work with David O. Russell anymore. I can't. I want Fincher back. I want to do take after take for ten hours straight."

In just the four short weeks since we last checked in with dandiest Bachelor ever Matt Grant, the British export has managed to whittle down his harem of colonial concubines to three. Not surprisingly, Shayne Lamas, the needy-but-hot, questionably motivated heir to the Lamas Family acting dynasty, is still in the running, earning her a coveted family visit on last night's episode.

With piracy at epidemic levels and the Beijing Olympics right around the corner, the Chinese government is following its sterling records of human rights and environmental protection with its latest quasi-altruistic crusade on behalf of intellectual property rights. And we know they're serious this time, what with the city's new "Chaoyang Model Anti-Copyright Infringement and Piracy-Free Zone" and a gigantic poster of Jackie Chan earnestly warning 20 million Chinese per day: "Protect the movies, say NO to piracy!"

Word over the Defamer transom this morning suggests yet another high-profile agency move, with UTA partner Tracey Jacobs reportedly packing her bags (and clients including Johnny Depp) for the greener pastures of Endeavor. Jacobs' departure would follow that of her colleagues Nick Stevens, Sharon Sheinwold and Lisa Hallerman earlier this month, further driving rumors of a UTA merger or sell-off as the talent division melts down.

Lost executive producers Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof struck a note of reassurance for the actors they have so callously murdered this season in a conference call yesterday. Their message to their cast: death could be the best thing that ever happened to you. As show honcho Carlton Cuse put it, "The good thing about Lost is that, a lot of the time, being dead leads to more work on the show. Actually, you can kind of improve your standing in the cast by being killed." Having crammed an eight episode story arc into four hours and a two-hour season finale on May 29, the show's writers will ferret six castaways off the island, and you can bet there will be blood. Promo photos for the series return already show an ailing Jack (Matthew Fox) being tended to by his new boo Juliet (Elizabeth Mitchell) and Fox has admitted he thinks he might be next. While it's more likely a bait and switch, he'll want to flip to the end of his script with trepidation, as past casualties haven't fared well on or off the show.

Our favorite cocaine-dappled redhead, actress Lindsay Lohan, has a Facebook profile! But it's undercover... She goes by the name "Lindsay Ronson," using the last name of her friend (girlfriend perhaps??), DJ Samantha Ronson. She's friends with Marc Jacobs, his ex-fiancé (and former hooker) Jason Preston, The Hills' Lauren Conrad, model Jessica Stam, random internet socialite Cory Kennedy, and a whole host of other notable idiots. It's funny to see that all these loathsome people are connected, though I guess it makes some perfect cosmic sense in a way. Though maybe they don't all get along. She's friends with a "Hiilary Duff" (a notorious enemy) and, judging by her "Wall," she and model Lauren Hastings seem to be in some sort of fight. Also, as you can see from her "Status," she's totes serious about her new sober living ("It was 430 am!!!" she offers as cryptic explanation for something), even though she's been seen hard partying all over the place. Radar has two theories about the possibly "glassy-eyed" Long Islander). Find her "Wall" after the jump, plus, a profile picture of French toast and Parliament Lights (yum!), from Radar

· Question: Why would David Letterman (and untold other horny comedy goons) be envious of a window washer? Answer: Watch the video. [Late Show]

· You'll have to wait until May 20 to get your hands on "Anywhere I Lay My Head," Scarlett Johansson's album of Tom Waits covers, but you can enjoy a sneak preview of her ear-raping rendition of "Falling Down" right now! [AOL Music]

· If you've not yet heard, Senators Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain have all taped messages that will air on WWE's Raw tonight, in the hopes of currying favor with the "will readily buy into heavily spun violence-as-entertainment" block of voters. [WWE.com]

· We really can't decide which month of The Texas Polygamist Wives Calendar most does it for us. Oh, who are we kidding. December: You had us at your carefully coordinated ankle socks and sensible man-satchel. [BWE]

· Just in time for Cloverfield's DVD release: J.J. Abrams thinks the best place to enjoy it is at home, just a few steps from the toilet should the shakey images on your 65-inch LCD screen make you want to hurl. [Reuters]

Have you ever found yourself mindlessly trying on the latest pair of $800 jeans at Fred Segal and suddenly realized, you know what? It must be way hard for all those African girls out there in Africa and The Iraq Such As to even wear jeans like this. Why? As "Cameron Diaz" (flawlessly portrayed by Tracey Ullman) informs us, for the very first time all their genitals are falling off! The suckiest part? "This is the golden age of American blue jeans! It's really sad and amazing." The fictional burp-happy actress' solution, of course, is to star in That Terrible Time Of The Month, in which a gun-toting Diaz burps and farts her way through the jungle to save each and every halfway-severed ladypart from girls named Toko. For more insight, including Bono's method of miming the actual chop and toss, watch our clip after the jump.

As we learned recently, SNL's Chris Farley was far from coddled or loved during his final years by fellow cast members. And now, a new biography on Chris Farley titled The Chris Farley Show will divulge more depressing tales from friends of Farley and how exactly they went about attempting to help the struggling addict get better (hint: they didn't). From former co-stars dishing on his desperate attempts to be loved using prostitutes to anecdotes involving his habit of licking everything from his shoelaces to his wallet, one revelation made by Chris Rock stands out:

Mother to the stars Dina Lohan took a relaxing trip to the beach Sunday afternoon amidst rumors circulating that her daughter Lindsay Lohan had a relapse in sobriety over the weekend in New York City. She seemed to be unfazed by the news about her eldest daughter, going as far to say, "This is what happens when you pass on doing our awesome reality show. Only on E! this summer. We love it, too!"

On a Monday when Jet Li, Jackie Chan and Jason Segel's penis duked it out for biggest story at the weekend box office, another argument was taking place among indie followers who witnessed a different star performance altogether: Ben Stein, whose anti-Darwinist screed Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed finished in the week's ninth-place spot with $3.1 million. Its $2,997 per-screen average — no great shakes for most mainstream openers — is nevertheless more than double the $1,401 average of Morgan Spurlock's Where In the World is Osama Bin Laden? To hear at least one documentary observer tell it after the jump, love Stein or hate him, this is pretty big:

You're likely familiar with the work of Sam Rubin—KTLA entertainment reporter, World's Biggest Chace Crawford fan (sorry, JC), and, on paper at least, a grown man—whose motor-mouthed showbiz punditry becomes even more red-faced and spittle-flecked when the subject turns to anything Gossip Girl. (The greatest show ever! Just ask the writers of this New York cover story we won't be caught dead reading!) With the show's second-season premiere airing tonight, Rubin unveiled his own Sweded take on the middling teen soap's overtly sexual OMFG marketing campaign.

· Kanye West brings his Glow In The Dark Tour to the Nokia Theater, You, Me & Iowa will be at the Echo (with Radars to the Sky!) and indie wuss Jonathan Rice will be performing at Spaceland.
· Animation pro and Academy Award winner John Lasseter (of Pixar fame) screens and discusses Dumbo with Curtis Hanson as part of the UCLA Archive’s “The Movie That Inspired Me” series at the Billy Wilder Theater. [via]
· Marya Hornbacher discusses and signs Madness: A Bipolar Life at Vroman's Bookstore in Pasadena.