You're likely familiar with the work of Sam Rubin—KTLA entertainment reporter, World's Biggest Chace Crawford fan (sorry, JC), and, on paper at least, a grown man—whose motor-mouthed showbiz punditry becomes even more red-faced and spittle-flecked when the subject turns to anything Gossip Girl. (The greatest show ever! Just ask the writers of this New York cover story we won't be caught dead reading!) With the show's second-season premiere airing tonight, Rubin unveiled his own Sweded take on the middling teen soap's overtly sexual OMFG marketing campaign.

Ever after our seventh viewing, however, we're still not exactly sure of what it is was we were looking at. It appears to involve the aggressive manipulation of a brunette's head, accompanied by a run-on stream of Latina yelps of passion—David Lynchian elements of danger and the surreal that engaged us far more than anything involving the van der Woodsens.