With news that Paris Hilton is just dying to plan a "double wedding" with Nicole Richie and baby daddy Joel Madden, we've decided that the heiress has a hard time determining what exactly makes for marriage material. Hilton and Madden's brother Benji haven't even announced any engagements via blog post yet, but Paris isn't wasting any time daydreaming about matching hers and Nicole's matching wedding gowns and, if we're lucky, an off-key duet of "Stars Are Blind" sung at the altar by the dual vocal powerhouse that is P&N. But at just 26, just how many times has Paris found the man she plans on spending the rest of her beautiful life with? We took a look back at the modern day Liz Taylor in the making:

Over the protests of How I Met Your Mother's Neil Patrick Harris—who in the wake of Britney Spears's recent guest appearance openly bemoaned the slippery stunt-casting slope that threatened to compromise the integrity of his politely tolerated CBS sitcom—the singer has been reportedly asked by producers to return for another ratings-goosing helping of her comic chops. People reports:

In a weirdly media-critical kind of way, it doesn't take long to connect E!'s mission of 24/7 pop culture to this Friday's ill-advised countdown entitled ... God, we can barely write it: Going Postal: 15 Most Shocking Acts of Violence. After all, the news is the longest-running reality show of all, and if OJ Simpson, Phil Spector and Co. are more famous as accused murderers than they are for their respective professional triumphs, then the celebritizing of honest-to-goodness mass murderers — not in CourtTV, true-crime style, but rather between episodes of E! News and The Soup — seems the logical next step in the ever-entertaining canon of watching real innocent people die. Right?

Musician/actor Jim Belushi spent a majority of the Lakers' playoff game yesterday pitching Tobey Maguire various projects that Belushi has been developing. Belushi first pitched Maguire on a reboot of the K-9 franchise, which was followed quickly by a project where Maguire would be a cop from a foreign country and Belushi is a cop from LA and they have to team up to solve a major international crime. Belushi noticed that Maguire's attention was fading, so Belushi pulled out what he thought was his trump card, a project about a wacky married guy and his equally as wacky uncle trying to figure women out. Maguire paused for a moment and replied, "I'm sorry, you were saying something?"

Last week, Victoria Beckham celebrated her 34th birthday alongside new friends Eva Longoria and Kate Beckinsale, but supposed close friends Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were nowhere to be seen. Naturally, we presumed that this was either a result of Tom's edict for Katie to stop spending so much time with Posh or an early warning sign that Team Cruise's controlling ways were too much for the Beckhams to handle. But at last night's star-studded birthday party for Posh, not only were Tom and Katie in attendance, but her Katie's choice of gown left us wondering if her curious absence earlier in the week was simply a means to hide the fact that Suri Jr. could possibly be on the way.

Defamer wishes a happy 57th birthday to Tony Danza, whose 1980 big-screen masterpiece, Going Ape!, we were distressed to find among the more esteemed selections slated for oblivion in last weekend's Viacom bust-up. On this special day, we urge Sumner Redstone, Brad Grey, Matt Blank and all others involved to put their differences aside long enough to secure this film's rightful place in the VOD canon where it belongs. Thank you. [IMDB]

· "What's our name?!" "Spike TV!" "And who do we serve?" "Men!" "And what do men like?" "Rambo!" "So what do we do?" "Air all the Rambos! Aarrghghhhh!!!!" [Variety]
· Rob Schneider, Kristin Cavallari, and Rumer Willis will star in Wild Cherry: "When she finds out the boyfriend's only interested in her for the sake of the team's 'bang book,' she and her best friends plan their revenge inspired by the Greek play 'Lysistrata,'" a source we're certain its cast is intimately familiar with. [Variety]

In all the drama surrounding Edward Norton's Hulk trouble and Iron Man star Robert Downey Jr.'s gloriously checkered past, we've overlooked one of the more conspicuous problems afflicting this summer's superhero glut. To wit: Where are all the women? Are there any comics featuring female heroes whom some studio will take a chance shepherding to the screen? At least one commentator shares our concern at Vulture, and the prognosis isn't looking good:

Jesse Metcalfe was dumped from ABC lady soap Desperate Housewives (where he played a sexy boy toy gardener), starred in a PSA about Choices called John Tucker Must Die, went to rehab, and has now, according to new photos, reemerged, grizzled and with one large pectoral muscle. Not exactly sure what he's trying to tell us with this latest look other than that he's now "tough" (note the presence of chest hair!) and evidently smokes. (Oh and he's in a new action movie costarring Chace Crawford! Badass!) The photo at right is part of a group that was uploaded, sadly, to his MySpace page. Thanks, but no thanks Jesse. Click through for larger image, and for an awful trailer for his sooo cooooool movie Loaded. [Picture on right via ohlala mag]

The photographer of this particular picture has assured his bosses and the editors of various weekly tabloid magazines that if they squint and stare real hard at the computer screen, they'll see it's a photo of Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson in a semi-romantic embrace. The photographer hopes to usher in a new era/style of paparazzi similar to the Magic Eye craze of mid 1990s. If one stares long enough, they'll be able to see some one famous.

Another day, another star parties in London and lets their hair down. Or in Emma Watson's case, flashes her Britney to the paparazzi. Joining the very exclusive peek-a-boo sorority helmed by Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, recently legal Hermione Granger celebrated her 18th birthday by partying across the pond with co-stars in a very demure little black dress, but made the all-too-common mistake of failing to exit her chauffered car in the proper manner. Though it appears the potential bad girl was wearing some kind of thong-ish type thing, her lacey underwear left little to the imagination. And though it's not our place, we do recommend Watson consider heading to the nearest waxer before flashing her nether regions again. A closer look after the jump.

No, your eyes weren't deceiving you as you scanned the LA Weekly escort ads while waiting on some Alegria take-out—that was none other than Suite Life of Zack & Cody star Brenda Song, rebranded as a "Hawaiin beauty. Come get lei'd." Despite possessing a well-documented stable of oft nude and knocked-up rising talent, however, Song's moonlighting efforts appear to be a complete fabrication, as Disney lawyers tell TMZ the ad constitutes "an unauthorized use of Brenda Song's image and her personal attorney has issued a cease and desist to the advertiser." As was the case with Elisha Cuthbert fans hoping for that $47 special in Las Vegas, when your celebrity escort deal seems almost too good to be true, it frequently is.

Having long ago abandoned The Olive Garden for the more refined culinary delights of, say, Applebee's, we've clearly missed the churning sexual undercurrents reinforcing the restaurant's starchy, salad-y, working-class appeal. But nothing gets past Kendra Wilkinson, one-third of Hugh Hefner's Girls Next Door, who infamously swears by not only the OG's quasi-Italian staples, but also the pure hormonal power of its female waitstaff. As such, Playboy is inviting the restaurant's sexiest servers to take orders in an upcoming pictorial. While we don't necessarily expect the chain's Hooters-ization to make our grandpa's 90th birthday dinner any less depressing, we heartily recommend following the jump to observe Wilkinson's classy video solicitation ("My food's getting cold, so I gotta fuckin' go") to tastefully doff those aprons. If Hef's as good a tipper as we hear, we may be filling out an application by this afternoon.

Hearing that Lindsay Lohan has fallen off the wagon before her one-year anniversary as a sober young lady is far less surprising than the venue in which she decided to publicly rebel against her new good girl image this past weekend: the Hawaiian Tropic tourist trap in Manhattan's Times Square. But apparently, after trying so hard to avoid temptations, banning bad influences from her life and even signing up for (albeit questionable acting roles), all the female shimmy-shaking and bar wenches must have inspired her to let loose. And speaking of bosom buddies, People is reporting that Lohan spent the Scores-like evening alongside none other than helpful healer/new roommate Sam Ronson:

Hard as it is to believe, after what seems like 19 endless years of false-starts and "Slowly Veering Lincoln Continental of Doom" jokes, we are less than one month away from seeing the fourth chapter of the Indiana Jones saga. The adventuresome archaeologist enters a far different Hollywood from the days when he first planted sunbeam-focusing scepters in secret map rooms, however; studio sash-tightening has required its makers to defer their fees in exchange for that venerable Hollywood trade-off, a piece (and in this case, a gigantic piece) of the back-end. The LAT breaks down Crystal Skull's financial model:

In a Forgetting Sarah Marshall inspired moment of honesty, Kiefer Sutherland told his girlfriend, Siobhan Bonnouvrier, that he doesn't care that much for the clothing she picks out for him. Sutherland told his gal pal that he's far more comfortable in a V-Neck from American Apparel than the giant scarves the 24 star has been forced to wear lately. She quickly corrected him, explaining that there's a BIG difference between a scarf and a pashmina. Sutherland started to remove the pashmina and said, "Well, whatever it is, I don't like it and it's spring so why I am even wearing it?"

While most of us fled the office to enjoy early spring, Sumner Redstone spent another relaxing weekend watching his corporate children at Viacom gouge each others' eyes out. And this time around he got his money's worth, with Paramount finally breaking free from CBS/Showtime to start its own pay-cable and VOD service with MGM and Lionsgate. It's an untidy, somewhat shocking scenario that we (and seemingly the rest of the Web) can't yet make sense of, but join us after the jump to parse the winners and losers at a glance.

Keep the Monday morning blues at bay via the savory comforts of a matzoh, egg, and bacon breakfast sandwich, plus a generous helping of home-fried box office numbers:

If you observe Judd Apatow's pervy rom-com assembly line with even casual frequency, you probably don't need a Wikipedia entry to remind you how accusations of sexism and misogyny have plagued the writer-producer-director over the years. At least we hope you don't, because an eagle-eyed Defamer reader points out this morning how a loyal defender / relative / Universal publicist has spent the better part of the last week expunging the dirty little non-secret from the Wiki record. From Katherine Heigl to Mike White, follow the jump for a few of the latest line edits.

OK, so let me make this clear: I like Gossip Girl. When it was on in the fall, I enjoyed bellowing at the TV, sloshing grape juice around, pleading with Nate and Chuck to kiss (just once!). And I'm looking forward to tonight's return, what with the promise of someone coming out and a Nate/Vanessa 'ship. But! That New York magazine cover story (that our own Ryan Tate took as gentle encouragement to watch an episode) about it? Complete bunk. This is not the "Best. Show. Ever.", however ironically or unironically or ironically unironic the piece's authors', Jessica Pressler and Chris Rovzar, meant it to read. I mean, look. Does this show have the trashy bite of The Hills? No. Does it have the warm, toothless smarts of a show like Greek? No. It exists in some awkward no man's land in the middle, and Pressler and Rovzar's attempts to make smart junk pop out of the oddly sedate show just reeks of effort and so-bad-it's-good winking gone embarrassingly awry. After the jump, in the style of the NYM piece, find three reasons why Gossip Girl, and the faux-hype surrounding it, kinda sucks.