Having produced now a total of three individual Rapture-hastening blobs from her fertile loins, Us Weekly—in an Angelina Jolie Junk Food-Gobbling Exclusive!— reports that the actress has managed to lose the Chosen Twins weight. We can hear you now: Angelina Jolie is capable of accumulating unwanted weight? But that's the kind of thing that happens to genetically imperfect mortals who have yet to rescue even a single motherless child from a developing nation! Well, hold on to your hats, as Jolie also reportedly developed an ugly addiction to that mass-market Calzone of Doom, the Hot Pocket:

Click to viewBoomp3.com Midway through a matinee of Beverly Hills Chihuahua, mother-daughter duo Katie Holmes and Suri sent Tom Cruise out for a refill on snacks and sodas. As soon as Cruise left the theater, Suri leaned over to her mother and whispered, “If we ever wanted to run away, now would be the time. We got maybe five minutes before he gets back. Are you with me?” Holmes looked over her shoulder and eyed the door. Nobody was coming. Holmes stared into the eyes of her daughter and wondered if they could pull it off. Before she made her mad dash for freedom, Suri left behind an origami unicorn crafted out of a movie ticket stub. [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

It's often said that gays are on the cutting edge of most trends, but when it comes to defeating California's Proposition 8 (which would thwart the same-sex marriage laws enacted this summer), most out celebrities have fallen pitifully behind their straight allies. The first high-wattage Hollywood name to donate to the "No on 8" name was Brad Pitt, whose $100,000 donation was quickly matched by Steven Spielberg. Now, after straight B and C-listers including Pete Wentz and Chelsea Handler gave money to fill the gay gap, The Advocate brings word that Grey's Anatomy power-gay T.R. Knight has finally become the first high-profile out star to contribute to the cause. So who's still missing?Perhaps the most notable M.I.A. gay is Ellen DeGeneres, who has sounded off about Prop 8 on the talk show circuit, but has yet to donate to the cause (though she did find time to host a fundraiser for the animal rights-advocating Prop 2). Other gay mafiosos like Portia DeRossi, Rosie O'Donnell, and Elton John are still nowhere to be found on the donations list, while behind-the-scenes gay talents like Gus Van Sant and Bryan Singer are missing, too (for that matter, straight allies like Jay Leno and Julia Louis-Dreyfus have advocated against the proposition but have yet to put their money where their mouths are). Their inaction comes after Tuesday's announcement that contrary to earlier reports, Proposition 8 is ahead in the polls and likely to pass next month, dealing a massive blow to the gay marriage cause. Backed by religious forces, the "Yes on 8" financial war chest has far exceeded that of the organizations working to defeat the proposition. Ohio entrepreneur Jonathan Lewis has challenged Hollywood power players to donate, promising that he and his family will match the contributions dollar for dollar — though the only notable gay figure to donate since was Angels in America playwright Tony Kushner, who gave $15,000. Hey, Ellen? Pretend it's adorable puppies who can't get married. Got a dime to spare? [Photo Credit: AP]

In 1999, Rolling Stone assigned Hollywood reporter Mark Ebner to the story of Philip Gale, an MIT prodigy born into Scientology who killed himself on the birthday of the cult's founder. The organization sent Rolling Stone a damning dossier on Ebner and the story was spiked. Ebner says he was told by his assigning editor that Rolling Stone owner Jann Wenner was close to John Travolta, one of the sect's most prominent Hollywood supporters. Since then, the Church of Scientology has softened in its response to critics; and internet outlets have proven less easily browbeaten. So here—after the jump— is Ebner's original piece, Death of a Nethead.

· The UK's Advertising Standards Authority has banned a series of ads, based loosely on True Romance Badlands, about a teenage girl who runs off with a renegade cactus man. Eventually, she gives birth to his prickly baby (see above). In case you're wondering, it's selling Oasis, a Coca Cola-brand fruit drink. · An Oscar first: The telecast will allow film ads to run this year, meaning Eddie Murphy can still be a part of the festivities—in some tangential, 30-paid-seconds-to-plug-BHC4 way! · Don't you worry about Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis is doing just fine. · Rumors of 60th anniversary $.25 In-N-Out burgers are greatly exaggerated. Sad face. (Not that we would have stood in line for them anyway.) · A-Ha's "Take On Me" video makes so much more sense to us now!

After so many seasons of shared LOLs, the relationship between Hills stars Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge appears to have come to an unfortunate, WTF-tinged end. Rumors are flying that Conrad betrayed her friend by hooking up with Patridge's vacant, hirsute ex-boyfriend Justin "Bobby" Brescia, and today, Patridge took to the Ellen DeGeneres Show to further fan the flames. A clearly mystified DeGeneres tried to sort out the "who's zooming who" particulars with the help of some visual aids, but only a Hills aficionado could make sense of a backstory so simultaneously convoluted and uneventful. Still, all the Dermalogica face cleanser in the world can't hide Patridge's newfound loneliness. Stay strong, auburn-haired one! [The Ellen DeGeneres Show]

Today in Foregone Conclusions: "Sources" are telling Sharon Waxman that DreamWorks has "all-but-officially closed" a distribution deal with Universal; an announcement could be forthcoming in days, along with the requisite TOLDJA! from Nikki Finke, and David Poland and Variety explaining how inaccurate and premature the reports actually are. [WaxWord]

A new campaign launched today by the Advertising Council and the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network seeks to educate American youth about the power of words to hurt—particularly when those words are: "That's," followed by "so gay." Joining them in their crusade is the extremely so-gay Wanda Sykes, and the not-so-gay-but-so- gay-worshipped Hilary Duff. They star in two PSAs (both after the jump) in which they casually saunter up to some pricky teenagers, and point out that calling something gay—when they don't mean it in the "fabulous" or "matter-of-factly enjoys engaging in sex with someone possessing similar genitalia" senses of the word—is just plain wrong. Its heart is in the right place, but we think the campaign would have been more successful had it suggested a less-destructive replacement expression, like—oh, we don't know—"That's so Seacresty," or "That's so Track."

Stiff Words: "Botox? I think it's fantastic and also horrible," actress Courteney Cox says in the November issue of Marie Claire. "I mean, they've come up with this stuff that can make you not look angry. But you have to use it sparingly. I went to this doctor once, and he was like, 'Oh, let me do it just here and here and here.' And I was miserable...I mean, I'm an actor, I've got to be able to move my face." Her feet, however, are another story. [Us]

A week after suspicion arose that Emma Watson is plotting a European jailbreak for four years of college in the States, the Harry Potter co-star was spotted touring Harvard on Wednesday. True to its celeb news mission, the Harvard Crimson today passed along all the specifics about young Hermione's Cambridge sojourn, right down to the architectural flourishes that generations of university officials had been preparing for her visit since 1874:

Click to viewBoomp3.com Mmother of two Britney Spears was spotted at Melrose vintage shop Wasteland to tweak her new look ever so slightly. Spears felt a set of glasses could help cash in on the Sarah Palin craze sweeping the nation. Much to Spears’ dismay, she couldn’t find a pair of glasses that convey the right blend of sass and conservatism. [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Since 2003, former child star Haley Joel Osment has done most of his acting off-camera, occasionally content to add the occasional videogame voice-over or alcohol-addled car accident to his resume. Recently, though, Osment has reappeared in the public eye, preparing for his Broadway (and cuss word) debut with a vigor that would put even Dakota Fanning 2.0 to shame. Now, Osment shares with MTV the next phase of his career comeback, and it involves the Hitler Youth:

Let's face it: Elisabeth Hasselbeck is the anti-Christ, a yippity Right Wing parrot, a docking pod hardwired to broadcast every vermiculate talking point hatched in Karl Rove's sinister mind. But she also seems like a nice girl, doesn't she? Molls thinks so, at least—maybe it's because they're both Boston College alum—and takes time out of her schedule to lay it on the line for Liz. Heed her words, Ms. Hasselbeck, for failing to do so could result in what's seeming more and more like your inevitable fate of being scratched into a pile of hamburger meat by four co-hosts who have had quite enough of your slidewhistle voice. Here's whats to do:· New Kids On The Block at the Staples Center · The Black Lips at The Glass House · Joe Frank at Largo · The Rob Z Program at El Cid

The smoke has cleared over Zuma Beach, where Nick Nolte's residence succumbed yesterday to a devastating fire that caused nearly $3 million in damage. And as much as we appreciate your helpful tips as to how that blaze began, officials have since confirmed that it all started with a faulty printer in Nolte's office. The dominos toppled from there, sending the Oscar-nominated actor out a window suffering from a cut on his hand, smoke in his lungs and a painstakingly built enclave burned to the ground. At which point we turn the story over one of Nolte's former profilers at Premiere, whose encomium today reminds Malibu — and all of us, really — the true scope of the catastrophe that transpired:

On the heels of the Tyler Perry's House of Payne labor controversy—in which WGA heads Patric Verrone and Michael Winship filed an angry grievance with the National Labor Relations Board, demanding restitution for "an abused writing staff forced to churn out sitcom dialogue with a pistol pressed to their temples by the world's wealthiest, union-busting grandma-with-a-dick,"—comes yet another fiery piece of rhetoric from the militant duo. This time, they target Fox's planned Osbourne family variety show, for which producer FremantleMedia is hoping they can get their snappy repartee wholesale. An excerpt from their letter:

The notable celebrity feuds of late have all been between well-matched pugilists: take the Battle of the British Funnymen (starring Ricky Gervais and Simon Pegg) or the Jewish Comic Conflict of '08 (pitting Sarah Silverman against Jackie Mason). Now, though, word has broken about a feud between two stars so different, it's hard to imagine them even sharing airspace: fulsome serial divorcer Pamela Anderson and Oscar-honored Cate Blanchett.

A couple months ago, when Ben Stein's documentary Expelled stunned industry and cultural observers alike by selling $7.6 million worth of intelligent-design hokum to its conservative Christian base, you might remember he found an unlikely foe in aggrieved widow Yoko Ono. Disapproving of Expelled's inclusion (and criticism) of the John Lennon classic, "Imagine," Ono and Lennon's publishers at EMI filed an injunction temporarliy preventing the producers from including the disputed scene in their DVD release. The courts ultimately tossed it, but today we're learning that Stein's persuasive copyright-law revisionism was too little, too late to vanquish a nemesis as crafty as Yoko:

Tricycles Not Included. Have you been finding lately that life has become the kind of dull that comes from all work and no play? Perhaps what you need is a vacation. Fantastic Fest is holding a ball at Oregon's Timberline Lodge—aka the Overlook Hotel from The Shining—where fans of the Kubrick classic can dance away the evening in the Gold Room (no word on whether Lloyd the bartender will be on hand to serve cocktails), before retiring to one of the hotel's 50 rooms in a blood-flooded elevator. "Formal attire is mandatory, 20’s era formal attire is preferred. We will have special gifts for the best period attire of the night." [/Film]

Click to viewBoomp3.com Before proceeding down the red carpet at a charity event, Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria Parker checked in with her closest associates for a bit of last minute advice. While the advice was inaudible to the normal human ear, a body language expert felt that the close associate weren’t dispensing any form of advice, but a quick boost of confidence. The expert said, “The left one said something about being really awesome while the right spoke about how they’re really workin’ it tonight.” [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Jennifer Hudson is an Oscar-winning singer/actress, so of course it makes sense that she would marry a castoff from the second season of VH1's low-rent The Bachelorette takeoff, I Love New York. Sadly, New York (also known as Tiffany Pollard) was not invited to the blessed union between J-Hud and her new groom, David Otunga (nee "Punk"), but she helpfully weighed in anyway, via In Touch Weekly: