As we watched David Letterman tear into John McCain with renewed vigor during last night's Late Show monologue, we couldn't help but think that this might make the rumored negotiations for McCain's reappearance a little awkward. Turns out, scheduling stipulations between the two camps had already turned contentious, as Letterman revealed when he sat down at his desk. Still, McCain's loss is Letterman's gain, because the talk show host gleefully continued to demolish McCain using some of his slyest, most cutting language yet.At this point, should McCain cut his losses and abandon renegotiations with Letterman, knowing full well he's likely to be slammed to his face if he finally put in his guest appearance? Or does he have no choice but to stop the Late Night bleeding by any means necessary? Ladies and gentlemen, the McCain/Letterman War of '08 has officially resumed after collapsed talks. Stock up on your munitions now.

Comments of the Week! Last week, we brought you our new Friday feature honoring the five best comments of the last five days, and now we have an appropriate trophy that will make the singled-out few even more envied: A corner table at The Grill! On to the comments: · rtisovec on Holly Madison Confirms She is The First Victim of Hef's Bedroom Downsizing Campaign: "Normally when young women want fame in Hollywood, they resort to posing nude. This girl clearly is out of options." · Little Mintz Sunshine on Kim Kardashian On Her Breasts: They're Real, and They're Spectacularly Inappropriate: "Glendale face. Oakland booty."· Old No.7 on Broadcast Networks and Horny Craigslister Want To Get In Bed With Obama: "I thought Keith Olbermann lived on the East Coast." · SugartitsMcFirecrotch on Angelina Jolie Sought Postpartum Solace Inside A Steaming Hot Pocket: "That'll be her Bond movie . . . Postpartum of Solace." · WGARefugee on In Which We Attempt to Decipher Brad Pitt's Picture of Angelina Jolie Breastfeeding: "How do we know that's not Verne Troyer?" Congratulations to this week's top five! Don't forget to try the peppered filet medallions with Roquefort sauce; we hear they're divine.

Rape Sells! South Park beat George Lucas at his own pervy game Wednesday with its already-infamous "Indy rape" episode — the show's highest-rated fall premiere in nine years. Paradoxically, this must mean Indiana Jones 5 will be green-lit within the hour — probably at the end of that crisis meeting rumored to be unfolding today at Paramount. Sadly, bitterly, the cycle continues. [The Live Feed]

Almost overnight, the new season of The Girls Next Door has turned into a must-watch; first, we learned that Hugh Hefner had replaced his three bunnies with 19-year old twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon, then it was revealed that both girls had a criminal record stemming from a beer bottle attack on their Wing House coworker. However, even more twin malfeasance has now been revealed by TMZ: when not engaging in psuedo-incestuous relationships with each other, Karissa likes to kick Kristina in the face! Priceless details from the arrest report (filed Nov. 5 of last year), after the jump:

Here we have your first look at Robert Downey Jr. in Guy Ritchie's SherlocknRolla take on Sir Conan Doyle's classic creation. The director has apparently abandoned Holmes's iconic deerstalker cap, cloak, and pipe in favor of a bowler hat, stripey vest, and gigantic Starbucks beverage. ("No foam skim latte, my dear Watson!")It's a look that—stop us if we're way off here—is virtually indistinguishable from the one he wore in Chaplin. Like, right down to the bunched up vest and baggy tweed trousers? Hopefully Downey's considerable gifts will help us shake the looming expectation that at any given moment, the detective might sit down to a hearty meal of a leather boot before heading into the London fog to solve The Problem of the One-Legged Beefeater. [Photo credit: Bauer Griffin]

Dennis Quaid completed publicity rounds for The Express last night with a visit to Conan O'Brien, who veered a ways off the script with a shout-out to Quaid's sultry 1987 potboiler The Big Easy. We had forgotten until that moment how mesmerizingly awkward his New Orleans detective's bastardized Cajun accent was, but with the aid of his unfailing actor's recall and an apparent nip or eight of green-room white lightning, the one-time King of Mardi Gras stunned the audience silent with a garbled scat that makes his Express turn look cardboard in comparison. "That was kind of schizophrenic," concluded the rattled O'Brien. Sure — that's one word for it. [Late Night with Conan O'Brien]

Click to viewBoomp3.com Before getting into his automobile Green Mile star Michael Clarke Duncan declared that he’s a proud member of Team Kenley Collins and is pulling for the tearful designer in next week’s Project Runway finale. Duncan admitted that while he wasn’t a fan of Collins’ sass mouth and back talk, he still loved a majority of her designs. Duncan said, “I love how everything she designs looks like something from Mad Men. It’s nice. Team Kenley. For. The. Win!” [Photo Credit: Flynet] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

If the plot isn't exactly thickening today around Scott Rudin's exit from The Reader, it's at least sustaining a low, convoluted simmer. Still nobody knows for sure the specific reasons for Rudin's move beyond the obvious, routine desire to gut Harvey Weinstein with a letter opener, but looking forward, a few new clues suggest the Oscar-season bloodbath has a while before it's drained.One awards-season wag points out the notable absence of The Reader from the Weinstein Company Web site, which may not be as insidious as it sounds; a cached version of the site dated Oct. 6 — three days before Rudin's escape — didn't feature the film either (God forbid any marketing resources be expropriated from the Zack and Miri campaign, which isn't faring so well itself). Meanwhile, another report sketches a fraught relationship between Reader director Stephen Daldry and Weinstein's designated Reader go-between Donna Gigliotti: "[T]he entire team 'despise her,' 'won't deal with her' and 'regard her as a [Weinstein] stooge.'" And so soon after Rudin threw in the towel! Are you shocked? OK, us neither. Again, we may never know, but Rudin's motivation is likely twofold: First, cut his losses and save face with Daldry, Kate Winslet (essentially out of the picture now herself) and the survivors of the late co-producers Anthony Minghella and Sydney Pollack. Second, as we noted in our cluttered Rudin/Weinstein scorecard a few weeks back, the principals at Rudin's go-to Oscar-campaign firm once were Harvey's field marshals at Miramax. We're not the only ones skeptical that they would go back into the fire — particularly on this project, with the only despot in town who spends a million dollars to buy bad press. Life — and the turnaround time here — is way, way too short.

Back in August, comedian Dane Cook assailed the marketing job for his upcoming movie My Best Friend's Girl, claiming that it was the "best / funniest film" he'd ever made but that its quality was overshadowed by a photoshopped poster that left his face looking like "Brittany Spears' [sic] vagina." Then, the film actually came out, and critics treated Cook's vulva-tastic mug like it was the least of the rom-com's problems. Now, co-star Alec Baldwin is leaping into the fray, admitting on his official website that he'd rather watch My Name is Earl than have to sit through My Best Friend's Girl again:

Though her multiple SNL appearances as Sarah Palin have certainly boosted Tina Fey's cultural cachet, true Fey nerds can have their thirst quenched by only one thing: new 30 Rock! NBC has cruelly delayed the third season premiere until November 6 (correction: November 6 is actually the date of the network-teased Oprah episode — October 30 will see the somewhat less-buzzworthy, Megan Mullally-guesting premiere), but the network parceled out a thirty-second morsel of the new season last night.Naturally, the blurb went heavy on guest stars like Jennifer Aniston and Steve Martin (gotta shore up those ratings!) but any new footage of the Emmy-honored Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy sets our mindgrapes a-racin', no matter how brief. In a cold, show-vanquishing fall landscape dotted with shows like Knight Rider and Kath & Kim, can 30 Rock possibly come fast enough? Save us, Liz Lemon! You're our only hope! [NBC]

The Vampires Give Back. An operative deep undercover in Tampa writes us: "I am stymied as to why Sam Trammell and Rutina Wesley ("Sam" and "Tara") from HBO's True Blood are in my office's conference room giving out autographs and pictures with all 500 of the employees in my Tampa, FL cable company's office. Is it normal for a show to bring its actors on a tour of Florida suburbs to shake hands with call center employees, tech staff, etc.? Is this kind of grassroots PR work a good sign for the show, or a bad one?" Gee, we don't really know, though when we stop to think about it, the Austin Nichols and Luke Perry John From Cincinnati Visits A Surf Shop Near You! tour did come just weeks before its cancellation. Take from that what you will. [Defamer]

Professional Stepford wife Katie Holmes was once an actress, despite what the three-year gap in her IMDb profile may indicate (like America, we are choosing to forget about Mad Money). Somehow, though, the boyfriend jean advocate managed to sneak away from her duties as Ms. Kate Cruise to shoot an episode of Eli Stone airing October 21 — and a just-released clip shows a dancing, singing Holmes begging to be hit hard (perhaps that would explain those mysterious bruises?).Though we're excited for Holmes's return to television, our thoughts, as ever, turn to her husband Tom Cruise. Will he celebrate the Eli Stone premiere by driving his motorcycle into each and every Nielsen-equipped home, or will he force Holmes to run three consecutive marathons, then change into a stunning evening gown and heels for the first TiVo'd airing at Gold Base?

Someone's Been in Our House. Or, more likely, the phenomenon of waking up on one's sofa to a DVD menu playing ad infintum is more universal than we thought. The Web site You Fell Asleep Watching a DVD proves as much, assuaging concerns that we're turning into our parents by fading every time we try to get through a Pride and Prejudice. Try it yourself, and feel free to suggest a few worthwhile additions to the menus featured already; we're down for any season of Sex and the City, or anything else grating enough to motivate our sluggish asses off the couch at 4 in the morning. It gets harder every weekend. [via Fimoculous]

Click to viewBoomp3.com High flyin’ movie star Hayden Christensen was spotted taking an invisible elevator to his management offices in Los Angeles yesterday afternoon. The Jumper star said that he uses the power of positivity to ascend through the smog covered skies and not “the force,” which many have suspected. Christensen said, “No Jedi mind tricks. I’m just thinking about puppy dogs, ice cream, and all the good things about life and that gets me off the ground.” [Photo Credit: Flynet] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

· Add a plate of hamsters to the crafts services table: Defamer favorite V is making its long awaited return, with a remake in development at ABC from Scott Peters, the creator/EP of The 4400. [Variety] · W. star Josh Brolin is close to signing on as the lead in Jonah Hex, the facially disfigured DC Comics gunslinger, in a movie by the Crank team. Since his recent tasering by overzealous Shreveport law enforcement has left the right side of his face paralyzed already, half the makeup work has already been done! [Variety] · Eric Bana is negotiating to star in a remake of 2004 French heist drama Le Convoyeur, about an armored car heist. [Variety] After the jump: What hunky mystery disease was spotted lunching at The Grill with Seth Rogen?· Seth Rogen will produce and co-star in I'm With Cancer—an autobiographical spec by Will Reiser about his struggles with the disease—promising to do for chemotherapy what Knocked Up did for morning sickness. [THR] · Remember the names Kristy Flores, Paul Iacono, Paul McGill, Naturi Naughton, Kay Panabaker, Kherington Payne, Collins Pennie, Walter Perez and Anna Maria Perez de Tagle. Now forget them, because they're starring in a Fame remake no one is going to give a shit about. [THR]

After an existential crisis that left him splayed on his four-poster bed, deserted but for his Viagra and ennui, Hugh Hefner is finally bouncing back with the help of nubile, 19-year-old twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon. The duo's semi-incestuous sister act should help Hef fill the hole left by the wayward Girls Next Door who have abandoned him, but should he still hold a grudge against Holly, Kendra, and Bridget, he's in luck: the twins aren't afraid to beat a bitch down, and they have the record to prove it!According to TMZ, both sisters were arrested earlier this year for felony aggravated battery in the decidedly non-Holmby Hills locale of St. Petersburg, Florida. What exactly transpired in this bunny-on-bunny-on-civilian crime? Says the website:

Despite the skeptics, Oliver Stone and Lionsgate have made bringing a film to market in five months flat look relatively easy. But a Defamer operative points out that they clearly underestimated the work required to produce W.'s Web site in the same time, offering us the accompanying Latin dummy text in place of actor Ioan Gruffudd's biographical background. (NB: It's pronounced "YO-han GRIF-fith.") Perhaps the actor never sent it, or maybe it was in Latin, or maybe this is just one of many quirky Easter eggs Lionsgate is loading into its W. campaign. Considering how well the Taserrific bar-brawl worked a few months back, we wouldn't put it past them. Let us know your theory after the jump. [Lionsgate]

As we mentioned earlier, it's all too possible that another depression might be upon us. So how are to act, what are we to feel, what songs are we to sing? To find some answers, we dove into YouTube and (with some help from Metafilter) found 20 clips from 20 films about the Great Depression of the 1930's. They just might provide valuable insights into what the future holds. Watch and learn after the jump. It's a Wonderful Life A suicidal man named George Bailey is given a second chance at life after an angel shows him the good deeds of his past, including keeping people calm during a pre-Depression bank run.

We're not sure what precise incident Britney Spears would finger in identifying her definitive "rock-bottom moment"—there were just so many, they probably all blurred into a single, scarring memory of her bald, pantieless self attacking a hunky music video extra in a hot tub with an umbrella surrounded by a horrified VMAs audience as her swarthy paparazzo lover videotaped the erotic trainwreck from a safe distance. But we're happy to now report that there's good news. No—great news:With the exception of a lingering headache involving an invalid driver's license, the singer's Troubled Past™ is quickly receding, like two children accidentally abandoned at a Malibu rest stop in the rear-view mirror of a convertible Mini Cooper. Last November came the release of her shockingly well-written, well-produced, and well-performed album "Blackout"—a career-topper that, sadly, the singer could barely be bothered to throw her support behind, eventually requiring the use of a complex lever-and-pulley system just to the recreate the illusion of pole-dancing in its debut video. What a difference a year makes, then, as a VMAs-triumphant Spears is putting the final touches on her new album, "Circus," looking better than she has in several comebacks. MTV has a 90-minute documentary set to air on the eve of the "Circus" release—punnily titled For the Record. In the preview clip above, a seemingly compos mentis Spears asks the question we've been longing to hear: "I'm a smart person, what the hell was I thinking?" We think it's a rhetorical question, but we'd be happy to offer our best guesses: Barefoot in a roadside public restroom: "Oh, whatever, it's not like I'm going to be in there more than a few minutes." Driving with an infant in her lap: "And this button sprays wiper fluid! Wheeee!" Shaving her head: "But I do know Mandinka." The crotch shots: "Bam! Say hello to Bergina Spears!" The VMAs 2007 performance: "Hang in there, girl, it's almost over. Just do what the girl next to me is doing. Wait—that's a mirror." Dating Adnan Ghalib: Sorry, we have no fucking clue.

Click to viewBoomp3.com At the kick off event of L.A. Spring 2009 Fashion week, Dark Knight star Maggie Gyllenhaal was put to work as a wardrobe malfunction preventive specialist. In other words, Gyllenhaal had the difficult task of checking model and their outfit to make sure there was nothing poking out or the potential to poke or pop out while on the runway. Gyllenhaal said, “Nothing ruins a good fashion show like an unnecessary dash of lady business.” [Photo Credit: Getty Images] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.