Match the tagline with the appropriate poster:

The E! network, showing the kind of ingenuity that's made them the world leader in round-the-clock, creepily obsessive starfucking, announced that it will circumvent the ban on television cameras in Michael Jackson's molestation trial by airing dramatic re-enactments of the proceedings. If they're going to do this, they'd better go all the way...and do the re-enactments in Claymation. Using clay actors will lessen the brutal impact of the emotionally wrenching "show me where he touched you" moments that will surely upset viewers, and they'll have a much easier time matching Jackson's elusive skin tone and accurately rendering the surgeon-chiseled contours of his face. And think of the slapstick possibilities of a clever clay animator making Jackson's nose slide off his face every time he sheds a crocodile tear!

We at Defamer are always happy to assist our internet colleagues in their hiring efforts. Jeffrey Wells of Hollywood Elsewhere is looking for a writer to pen a column that...hey, wait a minute!

The over/under on how long we've got until the inevitable Star piece about Ben Affleck's next Canadian strip club incident is officially set at five days. Popbitch reports:

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let Jack Nicholson know that you've caught him fondling velvet.

· Steven Spielberg is finally moving ahead with his Abraham Lincoln biopic, entering into talks with Liam Neeson to star. Hey, he may not be American, but he's tall and he's already comfortable with the gay stuff after doing Kinsey. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· ABC co-savior J.J. Abrams can do it all (except make us care about Alias). He'll direct The Good Sailor, about the sinking of the U.S.S. Indianapolis, for Universal. [THR]
· Co-head of CAA motion picture lit department Josh Donen bolts CAA to set up a production company with Sam Raimi at Sony. It's always a little sad when an agent gives up "the life." [THR]
· Billionaire producer Steve Bing buys his way into the director's chair, setting up a gig directing Morgan Freeman and Anthony Hopkins in Harry and the Butler. Once you've had Nicole Kidman and Liz Hurley, you think you can do anything. [Variety]
· Cinematographers nominate The Passion of the Christ for their yearly awards, regonizing the film's achievement of making Christ's beatings look absolutely breathtaking. [THR]

Scrubs star Judy Reyes is fed up with Hollywood's tendency to typecast Latinas as domestics, calling it "a phenomenon created by non-Latino people...whose experiences with Latinas are limited to conversations they’ve had with their maids." Hack screenwriters who've inflicted the likes of Maid on Manhattan on the world have been put on notice:

While the expected divorce of Harvey and Bob Weinstein from Disney lacks the tabloid-friendly heat of The Big Brad and Jen Break-Up, we're all still waiting for an announcement about the split. The NYT says that the separation "could come soon" (thanks for the update, guys), but things are always more complicated when kids are involved:

Separate the Olsen Twins for more than a couple of minutes and that high-pitched screaming in their heads drives them criminally insane. To wit, The NY Daily News' Lloyd Grove reports that Ashley Olsen and her pals went all Guns N' Roses on a bungalow at the Beverly Hills Hotel during a friend's party over the holidays. Predictably, the twins' personal denial machine (some call it Michael Pagnotta) lurched into action:

Audience response to the season finale of Nip/Tuck was so good that creator Ryan Murphy, who had one foot out the door to start a career in directing features, was suddenly filled with more stories:

· People's Choice Awards attendee or Star Wars character?
· Enjoy this highly fictionalized, but still highly entertaining, account of a party at Asia Argento's old place in Venice. We always suspected she played the theremin.
· We know that brother blog Gizmodo only jokingly refers to these pics of the brand-spanking-new Mac mini and iPod Shuffle as "porn," but we still can't shake the feeling people are touching themselves while browsing through them.
· Federline...a new scent by Britney Spears.
· Looking to pick up a nightclub on the way home from work? If you've got a million bucks in your Escalade, you can (probably) have Ivar.

· Kaiser Chiefs perform their first stateside show at Cinespace tonight, for those who one day want to tell their kids that they were there, man.
· There magic shows, and then there are magic shows performed at legendary, seedy Hollywood strip clubs like Jumbo’s Clown Room. Let lesser sleight-of-hand artists have their Magic Castle.
· Who needs to waste money at USC when you’ve got events like these around town: Producer/director/screenwriter Paul Weitz discusses In Good Company: The Shooting Script at the Borders in Westwood, while editor Walter Murch and author Charles Koppelman discuss Koppelman’s book Behind the Seen: How Walter Murch Edited Cold Mountain
Using Apple’s Final Cut Pro and What This Means for Cinema at Book Soup. [second and third listings]

If we didn't know better, we'd think that all of the nonstop Pitt-Aniston break-up coverage was a brilliant subterfuge perpetrated by Jennifer Garner's publicist. Just like that, no one's talking about whether or not Ben Affleck's demon seed has taken hold inside Garner. Luckily, we've got operatives who don't take their eye off the womb, no matter the magnitude of the distraction:

"You know, Paul, with all of these pointy-headed critics raving about our movie, you'd think that someone would've mentioned the overpowering homosexual subtext in a story about two guys with serious issues with women on the loose in wine country. Just a thought. Hey, why am I wearing lipstick?"

Shadowy fashion player-hater Mr. Blackwell has emerged from his stylish groundhog hole to issue his 45th annual "Worst Dressed" list. (That's right, he's been at this long enough to bore our grandparents with his catty nonsense.) This year's picks are like taking a jackhammer to a bag of paralyzed kittens, as Nicolette Sheridan (she wins, she wins!), Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton (everyone together now: She wears clothes?), Britney Spears, and Paul Abdul all feel the sassy sting of his superannuated tongue. While we'd love to ignore all of this dirty business and return to important work of analyzing Brad and Jen's break-up, we do feel compelled to defend one of Blackwell's victims. He probably thought that Serena Williams showed up to every movie premiere draped in the same hairy, fleshy cape, but that was just boyfriend Brett Ratner hugging her during the red carpet photo ops.

A tipster writes to TVGasm to stir up a little trouble for the third go-around of The Bachelorette, which premiered last night.

A little birdie told us that DreamWorks Animation head Jeffrey Katzenberg requested a table at the party thrown by porn distributor Pure Play Media's party at the Hard Rock in Vegas last Thursday night, right in the thick of the AVN awards. Granted, there were a lot of "mainstream" entertainment types there, but we're not sure what the top executive of a family-friendly animation studio would do at a party thrown by the company that sells titles like Anal Surprise Party and Undressed and Oversexed. Maybe he was performing due diligence for a possible new direction for the Shrek franchise. Shrek 3: White Chicks Love Green Cock would be an instant smash hit.

· SAG celebrates the actorly arts by recognizing the casts of The Aviator, Sideways, Million Dollar Baby, Finding Neverland, and Ray with their award nominations. [THR]
· Shades of Wooderson? Matthew McConaughey signs on for the Scott Rudin project Failure to Launch, as a thirtysomething guy whose parents fix him up to get him out of their house. [THR]
· What the hell, cast everyone! Danny DeVito, Kim Basinger, Carla Gugino, Nick Cannon, Forest Whitaker, Jay Mohr, Kelsey Grammer, and Ray Liotta sign on (or will soon) for the Mark Rydell-directed indie drama Jump Shot. [Variety, sub req'd.]
· NBC wins Monday night with Medium, despite competition from the premiere of The Bachelorette and a second night of 24 doubleheaders. [THR]
· Bill Condon, now the musical go-to-guy after adapting Chicago, will follow up Kinsey by directing a movie version of the Broadway musical Dreamgirls for DreamWorks. [Variety]

Otherpeoplesblogs snaps a couple of pictures of this billboard physically located near the intersection of Sunset and Highland, and metaphysically situated at the intersection of "writerly desperation" and "too much money lying around." Wouldn't it have been cheaper to hire a dozen hookers wearing sandwich boards detailing his pitch to camp out in front of NBC's offices in Burbank? And why is he trying to reinvent the billboard-promotion wheel? It's a well-established fact that you need an image of yourself getting blown to generate any kind of buzz for your project.

With the Hollywood Trial of the Century resuming for its final week, we're reminded how inhospitable the quaint Delaware town that's hosting the proceedings is to fancy Hollywood outsiders: