They're tough, they run studios, and, as far as anyone knows, they have vaginas: Meet Sony's Amy Pascal, Universal's Stacey Snider, Buena Vista's Nina Jacobson, and a host of Hollywood's other power girls, whom the NYT has dubbed "Hollywood's New Old Girls' Network" (the original working title,"Those Dingy Broads What Run The Studios," was later discarded for being too quaint). Strangely included in the Times' colorful, if wildly confounding, flowchart is producer Peter Guber(above, encircled and indicated by our subtle arrows), whom the Times is apparently depicting as the Tinseltown Zeus from whose head sprung forth this pantheon of filmmaking Athenas; somehow, this was deemed more palatable than illustrating the New Old Girls' Network's breech birth from Paramount trailblazer Sherry Lansing's womb.

Normally, we'd refrain from challenging you both mentally and spiritually so early on a Monday morning, but we pause from somewhat newsier content to deliver an existential donkey-punch to our readers' collective pineal gland. To that end, we present this sampling of tidbits from the Random Vin Diesel Fact Generator:

The Monday morning numbers that alleviate, however briefly, your post-weekend shakes:

·Sure, this (see above) is a story about a lawsuit, but that would be the best reality TV show of all fucking time.
· This RosieBlog obsession of ours isn't at all healthy, but: "you are not a friend of the letterman show - rosie."
· Star: Always seeking the public's assistance in naming celebrity babies. [scroll to bottom]
· Come on, now you're just making shit up.
· [Insert Name of Any Actress, Ever] Thinks She's a Lot Like Her Extremely Popular, Relatable Television Character

Friday
· Bollywood (the appellation given to the Indian film industry) comes to Hollywood (a geographical designation often used to represent the entire American film industry), as the Indian Film Festival of Los Angeles takes place at the ArcLight. Luckily, all of the Star Wars nerds are still in front of the wrong theater and shouldn't interfere with the festival.
· Friday music: The pathologically prolific Ryan Adams at the Henry Fonda; Josh Rouse at the El Rey; Phoenix and Dogs Die In Hot Cars at Avalon; The Blood Arm at the Echo; Lou Barlow at Fais Do Do.
Saturday
· More music, different night: Sarah McLachlan brings her own little slice of Lillith Fair heaven to the Greek Theatre, while a reader insists that you all will enjoy The Jenerators at Rusty’s Surf Ranch.
· Everyone knows that the LAT throws its annual Festival of Books just so that we have something to point to when East Coasters sniff that our city has no culture, but it's generally an enjoyable time despite that baggage. There are too many panels, signing, and events to start to list here, but our favorite panel is always "Self-Conscious Hand-Wringing Over the State of Literary Life In Los Angeles." Don't worry, it's held in every venue at UCLA during the festival, over and over again, but never as well attended as the inevitable Peter Bart roundtable.
· Don't let the 1996-style website fool you, the Hollywood Collectors & Celebrities Show at the Burbank Airport Hilton is a pretty hott scene. Sure, Don Knotts canceled, but Traci Bingham is still scheduled to appear!
Sunday
· The Festival of Books is a two-day affair, and it wouldn't kill you to read something other than the trades once in a while, mister! Ease yourself into it, though, with the panel "The Movie Biz: Making Deals and Cutting Throats" (unintentional hilarity theirs). Featuring, of course, Peter Bart.
· Even if Desperate Housewives is a rerun, we're gonna need a breather from all this pointy-headed book stuff.

LA Observed notices this curious correction buried deep in the bowels of today's LAT:

We pause to thank this week's sponsors, whose unwavering support keeps us from selling what's left of our worldly possessions and pursuing a Tobey Maguire-like life of itinerant semipro poker-playing. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and instantly achieve wealth beyond your wildest dreams, see this page.

Ealier, we somehow missed this typically Drudgian juxtaposition of images, but a reader helpfully opened our eyes to it. Not only are we treated to a superhero straining to escape his tights, but we get a winged "space cigar" riding bareback on three other engorged phalluses. We should consider ourselves lucky that today's news was completely free of hot-dog eating contests, or else we all may have fainted dead away as Freudian overload shook loose blood vessels in our brains.

A reader reports from what truly may have been the Most Celebrity-Starved Hollywood Party of All Time, last night's launch party for Inside TV magazine at White Lotus:

As always, weigh your cinematic options carefully before venturing to the multiplex. We wouldn't want you trolling for some Oscar-winners and wind up with two hours of Kutcher.

Breaking news from the Australian set of the new Superman movie: Virtually unknown Man of Steel Brandon Routh really fills out those blue tights!

· The endless reshuffling of film executives continues, as dispossessed ex-Paramount pres Donald De Line will drown his demotional sorrows at Warner Bros. with a 3 year production deal. [Variety]
· Natalie Portman is in talks to star in magical toy shop movie Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium. This time, when she once again decides to frustrate the world by refusing to do a nude scene, we'll give her a pass. But the next one better have some topless moments! [THR]
· Call it an Arrested Development "reunion," or call it "looking for new jobs": Imagine Entertainment will produce a comedy starring, directed, and written by AD "alums" Chuck Martin, the Russo Brothers, and Will Arnett for Universal. [Variety]
· We already alerted you to this, but relive the horror: Paris Hilton signs with Endeavor. [THR]
· Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Carolla and their cutely named "Jackhole Industries" will bring comedian Andy Milonakis to MTV with a half hour sketch show. Sounds...jackhole-y? [THR]
· NY's Tribeca Film Fest, started post 9/11, looks to make the delicate transition from "film fest of post-traumatic hope" to "orgy of Hollywood greed." [Variety]

OK, Hollywood hotshot, pop quiz. You're a small time management firm/talent agency, and one of your clients lands a totally sweet, three-line role as "Wine Hostess" on The OC. What do you do?

Just yesterday, we thought we were on the verge of an astonishing turnaround in the publicity profession, as we exuberantly hoped that a Risorgimento Pubblicità was dawning. Alas, we spoke too soon, as a pair of publicists are forced to issue unarftul denials to Page Six involving the whereabouts of Johnny Knoxville's penis:

The THR reports that Endeavor has been delivered a little bundle of tabloid-swaddled joy, as Paris Hilton has signed with the the agency to handle all aspects of her...what exactly does she "do," outside of, you know, the night-vision doggystyling and the VIP room vagina-flashing? Perhaps that's why she needs the agency—to focus and assist the more efficient monetizing her assets. In any case, a word of advice to her new shop: When you're fucking Paris, you're fucking every agent she's ever been with. Be safe.

Daredevil...Gigli...Paycheck...Jersey Girl...Surviving Christmas... it all seems to make sense now.

· How are you supposed to tell the difference between David Cronenberg's Crash and Paul Haggis' forthcoming movie with the same title? For one, only one features hot, James Spader scar-fucking action. The Feh blog has the other key differences.
· Things blogging.la has learned by hanging out with the Star Wars nerd-line in front of the Chinese: "5. The cops think it's funny to drive by and make Darth Vader breathing noises on their loud speakers. 6. The Nerds, not so much."
· It was only a matter of time before the just-deceased Pope started making his case for sainthood by appearing on dormitory cafeteria poultry.
· Craiglist: an inexhaustible font of inappropriate sex-for-housing ads.
·Pantheon Zeus is so inspired by Rosie O'Donnell's turn as a retarded bus rider that he's moved to pen a tribute poem in Rosie's inimitable blogging style.

A reader just forwarded us this breaking! news! e-mail detailing Faye Dunaway's fender-bender, a Mercedes-dinging tragedy that happened virtually moments ago:

· Designer Todd Oldham seeks to sate your unholy lust for low-level home improvement projects at the Barnes and Noble in the Grove, where he discusses his book, Handmade Modern: Mid-Century-Inspired Projects for Your Home. Bring your jigsaw...and your dreams. And maybe some stained glass fragments, just in case you want to whip up a cool desk lamp.
· Oh yes, there is music: Electric Six (we had a tinny "Danger! High Voltage!" ringtone, like, two years ago) with VHS or Beta at the El Rey; Regina Spektor at the Roxy; Album Leaf at Knitting Factory.
· John Tesh seeks to turn your hundred-dollar charity tickets into hope for tsunami victims at the Kids of Hope Tsunami Benefit Gala. This is no time to snicker at the New Age-flavored synthesizer soundscape that is Tesh's music—he's trying to help, and what are you doing, Mr. Music Elitist? Also, Anne Hathaway will be there, and we hear she's promised to marry us if ten Defamer readers attend the benefit.

The little egg-timer next to our computer just sounded, letting us know it's been fifteen minutes since the last American Idol scandal and that it's time for a fresh one. The AI scandal-du-afternoon, according to Globe magazine (these glossies all seem to drop the definite articles when they're seeking legitimacy, don't they?), is that heavily-medicated Idol judge Paula Abdula had an affair with a former contestant while he was still on the show. Firstly, [sound of editor sanding off his reproductive organs]. Secondly, which contestant got "pitchy" with Abdul? Oh, that guy, the one who got tossed for roughing up his sister. The dirt: