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The little egg-timer next to our computer just sounded, letting us know it's been fifteen minutes since the last American Idol scandal and that it's time for a fresh one. The AI scandal-du-afternoon, according to Globe magazine (these glossies all seem to drop the definite articles when they're seeking legitimacy, don't they?), is that heavily-medicated Idol judge Paula Abdula had an affair with a former contestant while he was still on the show. Firstly, [sound of editor sanding off his reproductive organs]. Secondly, which contestant got "pitchy" with Abdul? Oh, that guy, the one who got tossed for roughing up his sister. The dirt:

[Corey] Clarke reportedly is claiming that he had sex with Abdul in the guest room of her house, that she paid some of his expenses and promised to fund his career to the tune of $2 million, and that she made him vow to keep their relationship a secret. The allegations are reportedly from a book proposal that Clark has been shopping to publishers.

“[Abdul] told [Clark] she wanted to look out for him and be his ‘special friend,’” according to the Globe article. “But he claims she warned him that he couldn’t tell anyone or she’d make things very hard for him, cautioning, ‘Don’t screw me or you’ll be sorry.’”

Aside from all of the questions about how this relationship affected the integrity of the competition, yada yada yada, doesn't (allegedly) porking Paula Abdul seems like an absurd length to go to prove that all Idol contestants aren't gay. Even Clay Aiken found a less arduous, more logical route to hetero bonafides, by going on Oprah and crying about how bullies used to tug on his ears and flush his Barbies down the toilet. Still, that sounds better than collapsing in a sweaty heap on a guest-room cot and pretending that "Opposites Attract" is a great song for getting one's highly inappropriate freak on.