"Look, we both know that no one's buying into our relationship. Oprah was a fucking disaster. Would it have been so hard for you to come on stage without me putting you in a half-nelson and marching you on stage like you were about to face a firing squad? Well, now we're both fucked. I'm invoking the emergency clause, and as you're well aware, you're contractually obligated to go along with me as we step it up another notch. Yes, moving in together. Yes, engagement. And yes, Scientology. All of it. And I'll set you up with some bigger people at CAA, but first you've got to show a little enthusiasm, OK? I don't like all this making out stuff any more than you do, but you've gotta lose the condom on your tongue. Sooner or later, some paparazzi's gonna catch that on film, it's gonna wind up on the internet, and then we're gonna need to have that little scuba-diving accident we talked about. Oh, for L.Ron's sake! I hate thinly-veiled death threats. I have to get back to the Centre and knock out some Thetans. And yes, you're coming with me."

He's an Oscar-winning director whose mega-budget historical epic flopped, and now recently popped in Beverly Hills for a DUI and drug possession.

The world has now been made aware that Paris Hilton, the closest thing we'll ever see to a being made of pure, uncut fame, is engaged to Greek shipping heir and Hilton self-love franchisee Paris Latsis. And you know what?

There is only one thing worse than Monday morning—the Tuesday morning following a three-day weekend. Apply the poultice of the box office numbers to your throbbing temples and know that Saturday inches ever closer.

We've heard that Tom Cruise is a very hands-on star and producer, but does he really need to bother with things like one-sheet design?

Lindsay Lohan's father was sentenced to prison today in New York, receiving 1 1/3 to 4 years for a medley of crimes, including the highly entertaining (though, sadly, highly illegal) footwear-based assault of his brother-in-law. Lohan's publicist is secretly thrilled, knowing that she can now abandon her usual arsenal of fake illness-based excuses for the actress's antics in favor of ones rooted in the stresses of having her father in jail.

Join us in clinching this week's sponsors with a grateful, one-arm man-hug, for they are like the rainbows that we spend all day trying to capture in a marmalade jar. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and make your product or service the sexiest strumpet in the brothel, see this page.

Why barbecue when you can fill Hollywood's pockets with your disposable income?

· The Weinsteins will snatch Miramax distribution head Mike Rudnitsky for their new empire when they leave in late September, but in the meantime, they'll help usher nine of their old Miramax and Dimension babies into the world in Auguest and September. [Variety]
· Theaters owners resist billionaire Mark Cuban's "ass-backwards" plans to release films in theaters, home video, and on cable simultaneously, threatening not to show his movies in their venues. In turn, Cuban threatens to destroy their cineplexes with a satellite-mounted death-ray. [THR]
· More sweeps ratings postmortem: ABC, CBS, Fox, and UPN were all up over last year, the WB was down a bit, and NBC...well, we think Jeff Zucker's ratings bitch-hood has been well-established by now. [Variety]
· Carmen Electra continues to get acting work, while thousands of other, equally qualified dancers with fake tits continue to work the pole. [THR]
· We somehow missed this yesterday, but allow us to update the record to reflect that Meathead has dumped William Morris for CAA. [Variety]

What could possibly go wrong when Joe Rogan forces his way into someone's home, then shames them into devouring a horse's cock in front of a film crew? It's not like the cock will still be attached to the horse. Probably.

An 42-year-old Ohio man has dealt a crippling setback to the credibility of the aspiring-middle-aged-screenwriters-who-live-in-their-parents'-basement movement by getting arrested for threatening a federal judge. whom he blamed for sabotaging his lawsuit against CAA:

Just days after transforming his body into kinetic poetry on Oprah to express his supposed ardor for Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise sat down with Access Hollywood's Billy Bush to discuss the object of his love that no one questions: the Church of Scientology. The half-hour long special, "Tom Cruise: Man on a Mission," (which included the actor's now-famous takedown of Brooke "Look At Her Life" Shields), featured the fun-loving, furniture-abusing Cruise taking a back seat to a freakishly intense, psychiatry-hating zealot. Cruise on the evils of psychiatry:

· "I sleep great. No regrets. Never. Blind items are fucking fun, dude, get with it. I would be happy to write a blind on a blind. Got one?" The Black Table straps down humpy E! gossip-pharaoh Ted Casablanca and forces him to answer their "Rock and a Hard Place" questions. A must-read.
· Radar uncovers Disney's secret, unauthorized cast member videos. You'll never pretend to beat a dude in a squirrel costume to death the same way again!
· Burt Reynolds' past is just as slap-happy as his present.
· Michael Bay wasn't too thrilled that DreamWorks made him show 45 minutes of The Island to the press. And now that we've written about this screening twice, where's our fucking free Pumas?

· Christopher O'Riley, the classical-reinterpretingest pianist in all the land, covers Radiohead and Elliott Smith at UCLA’s Royce Hall.
· Susan Kandel throws Nancy Drew down a well as she reads from her novel Not a Girl Detective at Book Soup.
· It's not American Idol round-up: Hellen Stellar at the Scene Bar; Smog at Amoeba; And You Will Know Us by the Trail of the Dead and The (International) Noise Conspiracy at the Wiltern.

We don't have the heart to do another side-by-side, but you all probably remember what she looked like in a bikini before she shed all of that troublesome "baby fat." Whoever does her next movie's going to need to digitally restore her rack to avoid scaring the children.

Perhaps your flood of guesses will finally help us put the Mystery of Toothy Tile behind us. Check in with One Multimedia Blind Vice before going on to your answers:

We're getting an uneasy feeling that not enough of you are taking a moment in your busy days to Do The Cruise. To help get the blood flowing, why not take a look at TVGasm's full-motion video montage, complete with subtitles and jaunty soundtrack by Guster?

A reader dumps out the contents of the gift bag from a certain author/A-list war bride's book party for the whole internets to see. Unsurprisingly, the gratis knickknacks blur the line between the sublimely ridiculous must-have accoutrements of Hollywood wifehood and objects of ironic, yet somewhat conflicted, roman a clef writer scorn:

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let the world know that Jay Leno looks like one of those toy Happy Meal cars piloted by Mayor McCheese when he tools around town in his high-priced jalopies.

A Defamer operative files a report about last night's American Idol finale and celebrity-starved after-party at SkyBar, where Hasselhoff roamed free, Idol losers enjoyed their final, fleeting moments of notoriety before Fox has them drowned in the Pacific, and where Bo Bice was already starting to reap the benefits of also-ran fame: