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A Defamer operative just exited a media screening of War of the Worlds and submitted this very brief IM review:
The wedding website celebrating the Hollywood-flavored nuptials of Endeavor superagent Patrick Whitesell and Fox super...something Lauren Sanchez is a mere shell of its former incarnation, but the buzz around the reportedly $2 million event has the unfashionably uninvited (like us and everyone we know) questioning where their sad lives went tragically wrong. From Radar:
· AMC and Loews agree to merge their movie theaterc chain to better compete with the larger Regal Entertainment, and hopefully gain enough influence to squeeze a bigger share of box office cash out of the studios. This, you may have guessed, is a slow news day. [Variety]
· Alyson Hannigan, Eddie Griffin, Fred Willard, and Jennifer Coolidge will star in an untitled Regency spoof of romantic comedies. Eddie Griffin (black) plays the father of Alyson Hannigan (white). This is all you need to know before you are crippled by the ensuing waves of hilarity. [THR]
· Ridley Scott will follow up the triumphant Kingdom of Heaven (you're only as good as your last bomb, right?) by directing/producing Shadow Divers, the story of a German U-boat found off the coast of New Jersey in 1991. [Variety]
· NASCAR helps Herbie: Fully Loaded feature the same kind of sponsor-driven sensory assault as a typical NASCAR race. [THR]
·Howard Stern will no longer spackle the hindquarters of Scores strippers with condiments on E!, and is now looking to take his cable show to another network. Spike TV preemptively starts training its editors in the fine art of pixilating breasts. [Variety]
On the one hand, you're skinny, manic (some might say the life of the party!), and you assault the occasional fan with a microphone or let one suckle your breast in a Wendy's. On the other hand, you live a potentially longer, drug-free life, avoid repeated run-ins with cranky judges, and get your daughter back, but your new, "healthier" frame isn't doing that still-developing movie career any favors, and when you stand next to Pamela Anderson at a premiere, everyone is vaguely afraid that you might devour her.
Yes, it happened in the utterly lawless New York, but they're always a couple of months ahead of the West Coast. We suggest that all "Hollywood celebs" prepare for the coming domestic-led crime wave immediately, before credit cards are compromised and expensive jewelry snatched. Go—right now—and dangle your maid from the balcony by her ankles, until all of your purloined valuables clatter to the circular driveway below, and know that you are teaching her a valuable lesson about the intersection of personal property, class, and gravity.
Lindsay Lohan stopped by the Letterman show last night to plug her latest masterwork of modern cinema, Herbie: Fully Loaded, and to do the kind of light image rehabilitation that must accompany any of her public appearances. There was a time when The Breast Question was the one she needed a quick answer for (if memory serves, it was "I blossomed!"); now it appears that Lohan's publicists have retrofitted the old breast party line for The Weight Question (which, naturally, is the polite, thinly veiled version of The Drugs Question), as she told Letterman she owes her new stick-figure to "puberty," that wonderful transition to womanhood that Lohan claimed only to have undergone at the age of 17. This makes perfect sense, for when we think of Lindsay Lohan, the phrase "late bloomer" is always prominent in our mind.
· Listen guys, Lindsay works very, very hard! Don't judge her if she throws a fit when Disney shits all over that hard work.
· Maybe a bear claw, sure, but a Munchkin? Nah, we don't see it.
· We'd always had a creeping feeling that the curiously animated old guy from the Six Flags commercials had a deep, dark secret, but we're surprised at just how deep and dark it is.
· Hmmm. You'd think that with all that weed Woody Harrelson smokes, he'd be an excellent driver.
· That Tom Cruise character is so electric. But you knew that already.
· Twenty bucks gets you in the door of the Pan Andreas Theatre for a reading of a new sitcom. Yes, it sounds a little like an evil Fox network plot, until you realize it's a charity benefit for the Elliott Smith Memorial Fund, then feel bad for being initially suspicious.
· An Impressive Night Of Music: The Futureheads at the Henry Fonda; Spoon at the Avalon (if we try and sneak up to the Spider Club afterwards, are we going to be brutalized by security?); Junior Senior at Spaceland.
· Comedy Death Ray brings a lineup to M Bar that will have you either soiling your drawers with laughter or from the intimidation of being in a such a small space with such big names (or both), with Sarah "This Kimmel Thing Can't Last Forever" Silverman, Zach Galifianakis, Greg Proops, Andy Kindler, and host Brody Stevens.
Now that Batman Begins opening has proved that it isn't going to save the industry from its prolonged slump (compared to last year's box office numbers), the LAT takes its turn ruminating about what's going wrong this year—i.e., the expensive flops, the popularity of staying home and watching DVDs instead of peeling asses from sofas to go to the theater, etc, etc. In the middle of the hand-wringing, a producer reminds us that in this age of light-speed bad buzz and massive opening weekend theater counts, every bomb has a very short fuse:
Please accept this picture of Jeremy Piven out carousing during the Entourage gang's recent trip to Vegas as a token of our contrition for mounting the proverbial pooch on the Leo DiCaprio picture. And we're far too ignorant to know how Viagra works its turgid magic, but if you divide the 16 minute refractory period between two eager fans, does that technically cut the "turnaround time" down to eight minutes? Just wondering.
OK, now that we've seen the truly scary picture* of the aftermath, maybe we were wrong. While Leonardo DiCaprio was getting stitched up following the bottle attack, he was probably praying that he'd tortured the public with a suspicious relationship so thoroughly that some pranksters merely humiliated him with a little water from a fake microphone.
· The WGA goes on the "warpath" to unionize reality TV writers, editors, and producers. The producers call the Guild's aggressive tactics "most unfortunate and unproductive, and even self-destructive." Let the rhetoric escalate, but please make sure that in the end, the people responsible for Dancing with the Stars are severely punished. [Variety]
· Movie theater giants AMC and Loews plan a merger, driving popcorn prices to $50 a bucket and prompting studios to consider bombing their multiplexes. [THR]
· Fox and Marvel sue over Sony and Revolution's Zoom, claiming that the Tim Allen comedy is "confusingly similar" to the X-Men franchise. A modest proposal to avoid the ugliness of litigation: Fox "reluctantly agrees" to send X3 director Brett Ratner to shepherd the rival production to success. [Variety]
· Adelphia founder/robber baron James Rigas is sentenced to 15 years in prison (and his son to 20) on bank fraud and conspiracy charges. We hate to make this all about us, but is our cable (or, God forbid, our internet access) going to go black? [THR]
· Producers Karen and Howard Baldwin obtain the rights to Rodney Dangerfield's life story from his widow and plan to develop a biopic. But get ready for a bummer: "...while he was making everyone forget their troubles by laughing at his, Rodney's own life was a heavy-hearted one." [Variety]
Due to today's proliferation of Cruise-Holmes stories, we're forced to assume the round-up position. Tuesday is for fake lovers:
The LAT reports that the ratings-hobbled NBC has finished its advertising sales for the fall season, and after being forced to cut their rates by skeptical buyers, sold about $900 million less of their primetime inventory than last year. As if this news wasn't bad enough for NBC's Jeff Zucker, the beleaguered, fading golden boy received a swift kick in the "sweeps" from his fiercest rival's spit-shined wing-tips:
