You may want to be seated as we deliver this news: Arthur Kade, the internet's biggest vagina, had a near-death experience yesterday. But as one fameball wavers on the precipice, another fameball friend could soon make her return!

Here is the new thing for you to worry about, in terms of your own unavoidable violent death: Al Qaeda is now smuggling bombs inside their rectums. There is no hope of detection until it blows.

Columnist and presidential speechwriter Bill Safire was one of only three non-disloyal Jews President Nixon could name. Here is the speech he drafted for Nixon to read in case the Apollo 11 Astronauts became stranded on the moon!

Anne Morell Petrillo, 38 year-old heiress to the Scripps newspaper fortune, jumped to her death off the Tappan Zee bridge last week. Trauma from a bad marriage and her mom's brutal murder? Perhaps. But the NYT has an additional theory:

Here is a video of various popular television news show hosts and elected officials—well, Glenn Beck and Michele Bachmann (R-MN)—explaining that the census was part of a plot to round up patriotic Americans and place them in internment camps.

Susan Atkins died in prison last night at 61. Atkins was sentenced to death in in 1971 for her role in the Tate/LeBianca murders. She was denied parole for the last time on September 2.

Rap music: Will it ever stop inspiring America's youth to commit multiple homicides? Not likely, if the sad case of Richard "Syko Sam" McCroskey is any indication. Because he's charged with killing four people.

Essex House murder suspect Derrick Praileau has reportedly admitted to killing 44 year-old businesswoman Andree Bejjani. The Post says Praileau came into work drunk at 5 a.m., broke into Bejjani's room, and "just lost it." [NYP. Pic: Flickr]

Yale murder suspect Raymond Clark—charged yesterday with killing Annie Le and hiding her body—is looking guiltier than ever, if you believe anonymous sources that leak to the media. Clark's DNA was a match, allegedly. Plus: An accomplice?

Muntader got off easy. US forces killed an Iraqi man today for throwing a shoe at them. AFP headline: "Iraqi 'shoe-thrower' shot dead by US forces." Not that Iraqi shoe thrower, though. Editors. Sheesh. Anyhow, throw shoes and die. [Breitbart]

The innocent civilians of the Hawaiian islands are being stalked by a bloodthirsty baby seal, which circles a lagoon plotting how to kill humans twice: First, with cuteness; then, with drowning. Cutie patootie, or aquatic psychotic?

Jim Carroll, the former drug addict turned prolific poet and writer of The Basketball Diaries, died of a heart attack on Friday at his residence in Manhattan. He was 60.

The good news: one shot of tasty swine flu vaccine is all it will take to save you from the dreaded pig virus this year! The bad news: All the medicine is going to special interests.

A public memorial for longtime CBS News anchor Walter Cronkite was held earlier today at Lincoln Center. Here, a selection of the tributes, from two presidents and the remaining giants of TV news.

Dude, the government lets cigarettes be legal even though they kill like thousands of people. But weed is illegal. And now, dude, cloves are illegal. Cloves! The taste proves they're not killing you! Clove-smoking hippies are fighting back. With cloves!

The Way We Live Now: On the job. Who can afford to retire? Who can afford to take a vacation? Who can afford to stop thinking about making money for one single instant? Nobody we know.

"During 1946, exhaustive scientific tests have shown that, when properly used, DDT kills a host of destructive insect pests, and is a benefactor of all humanity." And cancer. Copyranter found a particularly good one today. Click through for full version.

September 11 as an advertising theme: it is not a good idea. It's really not. Even if you have a good cause. This ad is for the World Wildlife Fund, though! No. Do not do this, in ads. [Adfreak] UPDATED:

How many of you are "binge drinkers," meaning you had five drinks in a night once last month? (All you drunks raise your hands). Now, how many of you drove after getting wasted? (Pause). Liars! Science knows.

Earlier this year, the government passed a new law that totally kneecapped the ability of marketing wizards to educate the public on how awesome cigarettes are, in Flavor Country (America). Luckily, the media's favorite lawyer is on the case!