Hippie yupsters have always been like, "I don't use plastic water bottles cause their chemicals cause cancer," or whatever, and we just laugh at them, but it turns out those people are the ones with the best erections.

Gerhardt Fuchs, a 34 year-old drummer in bands including !!! and Maserati, fell to his death in a Williamsburg elevator shaft last weekend in a horrifying hoodie-related accident.

This week was all about gun violence and terrible elections and Jay Leno.

With possibly 8 people shot and 2 dead (authorities confirm 1 dead and 5 shot), police have locked down downtown Orlando, Florida, looking for Jason Rodriguez, who shot up an office building earlier today. Update: Rodriguez has been apprehended.

Pity poor Lydia Netzer, who lived next door to the PETA intern house outside DC. Pity Lydia Netzer's cat even more. The PETA interns finally good-intentioned it to death.

An unidentified male was found dead in NYU's Bobst Library this morning. NYU has an unfortunately well-earned reputation as a hub of student suicides: Six in 2004, five in 2005. UPDATE: Letter from NYU President confirming suicide, below. [WSN]

Wal-Mart is now offering coffins for sale on their website, at reasonable prices. The winner here: Consumers, who can save hundreds or thousands of dollars by buying their coffins at Walmart.com. Once again, Wal-Mart's low prices help American families save.

This might be your final chance to take advantage of the services of Dignitas, the notorious Swiss "suicide clinic" that helps clients gracefully exit the crapfest we call "life". Swiss lawmakers are considering a ban on all suicide tourism.

Billionaire investor Jeffry Picower—who made billions off of Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme—was found dead in his (expensive) pool Sunday. Murder??? Well, the coroner doesn't want you to think so. But clearly, Madoff's money has a deadly curse.

Billionaire investor Jeffry Picower made more money off Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme than any other investor. Yesterday, Picower was found dead in his Palm Beach swimming pool. Let's not jump to any conclusions.

In your malicious Monday media column: computers replace sportswriters (finally), rumored layoffs at W mag and Lucky, a new way for death to save the media, and the salvation of publishing arrives.

For those who didn't get the message at Altamont: Sweat lodge deaths investigated as homicides.

Scientists have now produced overwhelming evidence that bans on smoking lead to a healthier, less dead population. What does this mean for you and your typically unhealthy creative underclass lifestyle? It means it's time to pay for your sins.

This week, there was lots of scandalous kissing. Also a magazine died. And a guy won a prize!

The deadly Mexican Pig Flu's dirtiest deed yet: Coming between you and the literal body and blood of Christ. You will pay dearly for this, heathen microbe.

Here, the victims of the Great Magazine Die-Off of 2008-2009. We did this once in March, and then again in April. Good lord. It keeps getting bigger. [Pic by Anna Edwards. Click to enlarge.]

What exactly happened on the L train—NYC's most cool subway line—today? Earlier we heard rumors of a suicide. We got a bunch of tips. And just before we went to put up this post, we saw this.

We launched our "Which Conde Nast Titles Will Die?" contest late last week—just in time, as it turns out. Click through for the results of this somber exercise.

In five years, will you be a wheezing, blackened mess? Or—conversely—will you have five more years of tobacco byproducts in your lungs? Well. You have to admire their "Lie big or lie dead" attitude. Click to enlarge. [Copyranter]