David Beckham is like some kind of super genius. "'You know, my son's called Brooklyn,' he told reporters at the Hotel Inter-Continental. 'When we found out that we were going to have our first baby, our first child, it was in Brooklyn where we first found out,' Beckham explained. 'So that's the reason behind his name, a name that we love.'" [OAN]
Yesterday we took a look at Andrew Morton's riveting new paperback "Posh and Becks," a copy of which landed on every Gawker editor's desk. While some of us (Emily!) found only scraggly braids of cliche, simile and drivel, when we scanned the handy index we found trenchant racial insights and cross-cultural appreciations—such as under the entry for "black icon, 228-9."
To celebrate the recent colonization of Los Angeles by imperial British tabloid powers David and Victoria Beckham, celebrity-barons Tom Cruise, Will Smith, and their Hollywood war brides feted their new masters with a massive "Welcome to America, Strangely Famous Foreigners!" party last night at Museum of Contemporary Art's Geffen Warehouse, where representatives of the local nobility publicly paid their respects. Reports People.com on the event:
"If you look like David Beckham, let's have a NSA affair! - w4m - 25
This sounds crazy, but I'm nuts for David Beckham. He's so so cute. And I've been daydreaming that his clone will arrive. Tonight is free. Can my David Beckham roleplay come true? Me: Cute, bubbly, trim, great natural boobies. I don't look like Posh Spice but I get no complaints. 5'7" Long brown hair, sexually adventurous. Fun, good in the sack. I work out. I also have a good day job that leaves me with plenty of energy for the night. Send pics, mine gets yours. And let's talk." [Craigslist]
PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time the presence of Judd Apatow's husky muse Seth Rogen sent shockwaves throughout a Beverly Blvd. coffee house.
This must be an utterly exhausting day for David Beckham, the man sent by God to Los Angeles to punish it for its celebrity-worshipping sins. Earlier, his presence was required at a mass-fellating ceremony in Carson, an experience that would leave even the most formidably priapic of stars completely spent. Later, he was to be shuttled to Century City for a meeting with the evil agenting monolith he's chosen to represent his Hollywood interests, where a surprise reacharound by scores of his new best friends awaited. Reports the Defamer Special Correspondent on Can Someone Explain Why The Hell We're All Crammed Into This Fucking Stairwell on a 90-Degree Day?:
The euphoric, citywide buzz accompanying today's official welcoming of David Beckham, Los Angeles's newest tabloid superstar (who's expected to lead the league in magazine covers and gossip column inches, even though he's ostensibly in his declining scandal years), was dampened when embattled mayor Antonio Villaraigosa took to the podium and was showered with boos by an angry throng. Unfortunately, the video feed was cut off immediately after Villaraigosa handed the Galaxy star his framed Certificate of Pre-Recognition of Future Charitable Works, depriving us footage of the ensuing riot in which constituents stormed the dais, tossed the politician from the stage, and installed the wildly popular Beckham as our new mayor.
· Generally speaking, we'd rather have our genitals scorched off with a red-hot fireplace poker than pay attention to anything related to the lives of David Beckham and Posh Spice, but when the story involves setting the record straight about whether or not Posh uses a diamond-encrusted vibrator, we can make a onetime exception.
· But as long as we're on the subject, Posh says Scientology never comes up when she hangs with Tom and Katie, even when Cruise repeatedly clears his throat and nods his head towards the e-meter on the kitchen table, hoping in vain for his friend to take some interest in his faith.
· It's nice to see that Cavemen's recasting process gave ABC a chance to place a big name into the beleaguered project.
· In other Geico-related news, Optimus Prime is having a bitch of a time getting his insurance agent to reimburse him for damage sustained during his efforts to protect freedom for all sentient beings.
It has taken recent international celebrity imports Dave Beckham and his bride, Victoria, practically no time at all to assimilate themselves into our humble artists' community. Likewise, they had only barely begun to unpack their giant moving boxes marked "Dolce & Gabbana Swimsuits" and "Headshots/Misc. Knicknacks" before their doorbell started ringing, alerting them to the presence of friendly neighbors bearing gift baskets brimming with self-improvement literature and vitamins. Not surprisingly, the captivating Victoria—whom close, personal famous friend Tom Cruise has allegedly heralded as a "comic genius"—has instantly found herself the subject of a heated Hollywood bidding war, pitting producer against producer in a feverish attempt to capitalize on her singular talents. The project? Why, a reality show, of course!
· The Soup proposes yet another way that FX can introduce a little more lightheartedness into dreary tabloid drama Dirt.
· Paula Abdul's flack blames her slurry, wildly gesticulating morning show performance on a cocktail of exhaustion and technical difficulties.
· Soon-to-be L.A. resident David Beckham consulted BFF Tom Cruise before agreeing to take $250 million from our local soccer club; once Cruise assured his pal that he'd still have plenty of money left over after he paid Los Angeles' mandatory 30-percent Celebrity Centre tax, Beckham was ready to sign his contract and start making his moving plans.
· Survivor is making further strides in diversifying its cast, choosing only 10 Californians for its upcoming Fiji Islands installment, as compared to the 13 they signed up for the Race Wars season.
· L.A. finally gets its own mystery stench a few days after New York's goes out of style. Typical.
· Our gloryhole-inspecting siblings over at Fleshbot have spent the week porning it up at the AVN Expo in Vegas.
We had planned on completely avoiding the news that British tabloid sensation David "Bend It Like Me" Beckham and his Spice Girl wife will soon alight in Los Angeles to deliver the largely ignored sport of soccer to unprecedented levels of popularity with American tabloid editors, but after receiving multiple media requests this morning for comment on BeckPosh's (do they have one of those cute conflated nicknames yet?) imminent arrival in our city, we now realize the naive folly of thinking we could just ignore the story. And so we offer our official position on the matter: We are wholeheartedly against the idea of foreign attention whores stealing away scarce Lohan-diddling and vagina-flashing opportunities from our homegrown celebutards, and we'd rather see our native paparazzi burn down Los Angeles rather than forfeit their turf to the coming wave of alien guerrilla photographers who will soon be dispatched to document the Beckhams' every Starbucks visit.
• David Hasselhoff's 14-year-old daughter Hayley "cut herself" on Sunday night in what apparently was a suicide attempt. Not a lot of jokes to be made here, but perhaps The Hoff might want to reconsider his drunken public persona. (And hey, wankers, let's not make fun of aesthetics?) [TMZ]
• After soccerthrob David Beckham was dropped from the English team, he turned to Tom Cruise for comfort. For warmth. For the sort of love that feels like a breath of fresh air after years spent in a cave... [IMDb]
• Steven Tyler has Hepatitis C. What does it mean when you read an item like this and just shrug? [Lowdown]
• In Robert Smigel's new routine, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog will rape an Ernie doll and taunt him for having gay sex with his Sesame Street roommate, Bert. Puppet rape. It's really come to this. [Page Six]
• After just one week of pre-marital bliss, Aaron Carter calls off his engagement. Slow Monday, we know. [Us Weekly]
• If you inhaled during the early 00s, you know and love infomercial psychic Miss Cleo. And if you're a lady, she's ready to love you back. [NYDN]
• File under shit you didn't need to know: Donald Trump's porn name would either be "Big" or "The Trump Tower." [Page Six]
