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• David Hasselhoff's 14-year-old daughter Hayley "cut herself" on Sunday night in what apparently was a suicide attempt. Not a lot of jokes to be made here, but perhaps The Hoff might want to reconsider his drunken public persona. (And hey, wankers, let's not make fun of aesthetics?) [TMZ]
• After soccerthrob David Beckham was dropped from the English team, he turned to Tom Cruise for comfort. For warmth. For the sort of love that feels like a breath of fresh air after years spent in a cave... [IMDb]
• Steven Tyler has Hepatitis C. What does it mean when you read an item like this and just shrug? [Lowdown]
• In Robert Smigel's new routine, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog will rape an Ernie doll and taunt him for having gay sex with his Sesame Street roommate, Bert. Puppet rape. It's really come to this. [Page Six]
• After just one week of pre-marital bliss, Aaron Carter calls off his engagement. Slow Monday, we know. [Us Weekly]
• If you inhaled during the early 00s, you know and love infomercial psychic Miss Cleo. And if you're a lady, she's ready to love you back. [NYDN]
• File under shit you didn't need to know: Donald Trump's porn name would either be "Big" or "The Trump Tower." [Page Six]