The hooker who will soon feel the wrath of David Beckham's legal team, Irma Nici, is a total liar, says UK tabloid News of the World. The funniest part of the story? They call In Touch a "downmarket" magazine. Ha!

Katy Perry has a date with an alcoholic cartoon character. Octomom held a yard sale. Michael Lohan said something about God. And will someone please get old man Kelsey Grammer some underwear? Sunday Gossip Roundup is going commando.

Soccer star David "I Did Not Hire a $10,000-a-Night-Hooker" Beckham is suing In Touch over a story they ran about him hiring a $10,000-a-night-hooker. Also named in the suit: 26-year-old Irma Nici, the $10,000-a-night-hooker in question.

The Levi Johnston-Bristol Palin custody battle finally ends. The Lohans talk about their daughter. Nicole Richie got a new cat. Miley Cyrus wants a boob job. What's more humiliating than being dumped via press release? Welcome to Saturday Gossip Roundup.

Martin Tyler is an English "football" commentator and was one of two ABC announcers during this afternoon's England-USA World Cup game. After the American goal that tied things up, Tyler repeatedly—and condescendingly—cried foul. Videos of his whining, inside.

Heidi Klum's legs. America Ferrera's pearly whites. David Beckham's precious limbs. Jennifer Lopez's aging ass. David Lee Roth's semen. (Seriously.) A list of 15 of the weirdest insurance policies ever created after the jump.

MTV is having all their top moneymakers examined. Kate Gosselin hates the dancing stars in her galaxy. Corey Feldman is banned from Corey Haim's funeral. Martha Stewart can't get laid. Monday's gossip got up an hour late.

A writer wrote about Tiger Woods' penis! Some chick from The Bachelor totally cheated on The Bachelor! J-Lo in a catsuit! David Paterson's awesome rapper friends! Adrian Grenier isn't ugly! OR IS HE?! Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

The woman was dragged away by security, but she later chased the soccer player down the street and then aired the whole thing on her TV show, with impunity. TMZ cries sexist double standard, because a man could never do that to a lady and get away with it. But we're wondering if the real double standard they're mad about is that they're like totally not allowed to crotch-grab celebrities. They asked, and Harvey said no.

On loan to Milan's team, Becks performs a strip tease, revealing handsome undies. LiLo is involved in a hit and run. Whitney and Brody "canoodle." Elijah Wood hosts Lord of the Wings, an eating contest. Here comes Monday gossip.

Lady Gaga L-O-V-E-S SuBo but worries about the Hairy Angel diluting her brand. Madonna messes up a Malawian orphanage. Sarandon robs the cradle. Mark Wahlberg bitches about his neighbors the Beckhams. Wednesday gossip, fresh 'n' juicy.

• An autopsy was performed on Brittany Murphy yesterday and while no obvious cause of death was determined, more should be known when toxicology tests are completed in several weeks. Meanwhile, police sources say a huge stash of prescription pills (painkillers, antidepressants, anti-anxiety drugs, antibiotics, etc.) were found at her home. And several of Murphy's friends, colleagues, and acquaintances have told reporters that her death "wasn't a shock," and that substance abuse "had sadly become par for the course." [NYP, NYDN, TMZ]
• In an interview yesterday, Murphy's husband Simon Monjack defended himself against suggestions he was a bad influence on Murphy. Monjack's shady past isn't doing him too many favors, however. The British screenwriter was sued by a bank for close to half a million bucks in 2006 as well as evicted from his apartment the same year. A year before that, he was arrested in Virginia on credit card fraud and theft charges. [AH, NYP, Fox News]
• Back in 2001, Tom Cruise sued a magazine editor named Michael Davis Sapir for saying that Cruise had a "homosexual relationship" and Sapir had a tape to prove it. Now it's Sapir turn. He's suing Cruise, his attorney Bert Fields, and private detective Anthony Pellicano for $5 million, claiming they spied on him and illegally wiretapped his phone. [TMZ, Us]
• The German shepherd that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony used to own wasn't the friendliest pooch. Not only did Floyd allegedly attack a flight attendant (who is now suing the couple), he supposedly also head-butted a housekeeper and bit one of their personal assistants. [NYDN]

• Jake Gyllenhaal just split up with Reese Witherspoon. Has he already moved on with Anne Hathaway? That's what the National Enquirer is suggesting. So it could be true, but it could also be totally made up. [ShowbizSpy]
• In other Anne Hathaway news, it turns out the guy who crashed his bike into the car she was sitting in earlier this week was a paparazzo. [AP]
• Demi Moore posted a pic of herself to Twitter—it was an outtake from a recent Harper's Bazaar photo shoot—and fellow Twitter users unleashed their wrath, suggesting the photos had been Photoshopped and telling her she looked old. "I'm 47. How am I supposed to look?" she responded. This actually makes us feel a bit bad for Demi, which isn't something that happens very often. [Us]
• "Snooki" (Nicole Polizzi) from MTV's Jersey Shore has been fired from her receptionist job for taking time off to go to LA to promote the show. (She's not too broken up about it. She got to hang out with Kristin Cavallari while she was there, so it was totally worth it.) In other Snooki news, the guy who punched her in the face on the show, a scene MTV censored, says he's sorry. [NYDN, Us]

According to a new survey, the average man only buys new underwear when he's about to start a new relationship. "Men only take responsibility for buying their own underwear for about 17 years of their lives. The rest of the time it falls to their mothers, and later to their wives or girlfriends," reported researchers. If you've ever wondered why men's underwear is marketed with beefcake photos of David Beckham, now you have your answer. And if come home one day and notice that your husband or boyfriend has just stocked up on a new supply of boxer briefs, yes, it means he's cheating on you. [Telegraph, NYDN]

Simon Cowell can't escape the coif, Bai Ling has a hungry pussy, Mel Gibson throws sticks and stones, and the Brangelina+Gosselin vortex will sink us all.

DJ AM took OxyContin the night he died. Spencer Pratt takes his absurdity to new levels. And Kate Hudson wants to take over A-Rod's apartment. All that and more in your Wednesday Gossip Roundup!

Ryan O'Neal is a creepy man, Billy Joel has a sad over the breakup of his marriage, Jude Law fell for the "I'm on the pill" con, David Beckham is scared of Shaquille O'Neal and Jessica Alba frolics.

Katie Holmes appears on So You Think You Can Dance (Video!), Gerard Butler is getting fat, Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler reunite, Gwyneth Paltrow cooks a chicken, Avril Lavigne parties really hard and Gwen Stefani looks pretty damn good.

Anne Hathaway walking in the East Village with boyfriend Adam Shulman, and later shopping in SoHo with a friend (left) ... Matt Damon leaving dinner at Da Silvano ... Jennifer Lopez shooting scenes for her new movie ... Robert Pattinson walking downtown ... comedian Robert Klein walking with his girlfriend on the Upper East Side ... Pierce Brosnan hanging out on the set of Remember Me ... Jon Gosselin standing outside Accademia di Vino on Third Avenue with Star reporter Kate Major ... Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni arriving at the Carlyle... and David Beckham leaving his hotel.

Michael Jackson's brain was not with his body in the golden coffin, Justin Timberlake wants to write a book about golf, Jason Bateman talks addiction, Russell Brand breaks his celibacy vow and Jason Lee fights at Max Fish.