As part of his hazing ritual for joining Manchester United, a young David Beckham had to jerk off to a picture of another dude in front of his jeering teammates.

All this to get a look at David Beckham, who'd come to a Shanghai university for a demonstration match with the school's soccer team. Thankfully, only seven people were injured, according to the Associated Press.

On Monday, luxury retailer Burb's Berry Farm released the first ad from its Spring/Summer 2013 campaign.

Justin Bieber becomes a criminal battery suspect. Cynthia Nixon marries her girlfriend. Lindsay Lohan flees a $40,000 tanning salon bill. David Beckham likes to eat babies. Tuesday gossip is for old times' sake.

Happy Sexiest Man Alive day, everyone. That is the day when People magazine announces who their hottest hunk of the year is. This time around it's Bradley Cooper. In his honor, here's a whole gallery of shirtless famous people we think are sexy, for no good reason other than that we know you're pervy.

Labor Day is almost upon us, people, which means we need to get in our fix of celebrities of all stripes parading around in next to nothing at the beach. Let's take advantage while we still can!

Heidi Klum, the woman of a million bikinis, hangs out on the beach with her baby seal. Wait, I mean, her baby (comma) Seal. [Images via INF and Flynet]

Apparently sales of the book To Kill a Mockingbird have skyrocketed 123 percent on Amazon.co.uk after "footie" star David Beckham and his wife Victoria, the Posh of Spice, named their daughter "Harper." Now that Oprah has retired, an author's only hope for a bestseller is getting a celeb baby named after them.

The Beckhams show off their latest project. Marc Anthony missed out on meeting the Royals thanks to the divorce. Nicole Scherzinger is engaged. Sunday gossip is looking to get its hands on some Ibogaine.

Halle Berry was trapped in her house by a stalker. William and Kate have left the country. Anthony Weiner flew to Miami to reconcile with his wife. Gwyneth Paltrow went on vacation to rub her bikini body in your face. Monday's gossip doesn't know if it's coming or going.

Congratulations are in order! Victoria Beckham, former Spice Girl and clothing person, gave birth to a baby girl on Sunday, just a day after actress Kate Hudson gave birth to a baby boy. (The fathers are soccer star David Beckham and Muse frontman Matthew Bellamy, respectively.) Both mothers gave birth in Los Angeles, so maybe, just maybe, there was some kind of mix-up and the Hudson kid will turn out to be a fantastic soccer player and the Beckham kid will look exactly like Goldie Hawn and they'll meet in their 20s and fall in love after a series of mishaps? (Neither kid has been given its obligatory weird celebrity name yet, by the way! The Beckhams are world-champion weird kid-namers, but Hudson's other son is called "Ryder" so she could be a dark horse here.) [AP, People]

Will and Kate are exploring Los Angeles. Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart are adding another person to their threesome. Octomom gets in a fight with Wilma Flintstone. Saturday gossip is bringing all of its kids on the plane!

An anonymous trash talker burns Amber Rose. Jennifer Hudson isn't getting what she thinks she's worth. David Beckham drives like an asshole, and Peter Brady is getting a divorce. Memorial Day gossip is here.

Justin Bieber locks a C.S.I. producer in a closet and punches a cake. David Beckham crashes his car. And Eva Longoria throws a waterproof baby shower. Sunday gossip is going to call its mom right after this, it promises.

• Mel Gibson entered a "no contest" plea to his charge of battery against Oksana Grigorieva yesterday and will receive no jail time. Mel was accused of hitting Oksana while she held their kid on January 6, 2010. Then there was the whole back-and-forth in the tabloids, the pictures of Oksana's battered face released, the authenticity of those pictured questioned, etc. etc. It was all for nothing! The plea allows Mel to maintain his innocence, while not exactly pleading "innocence." Now Mel will be forced to do 16 hours of community service for a group called "Mending Kids," and must stay away from Oksana, which he has to do anyway. So, we put an unhinged and violent man in contact with kids for 16 hours? Nice punishment. Meanwhile, Oksana's lawsuit against Mel continues unabated. [TMZ]

Charlie Sheen wants a big advance for his forthcoming tell-all book. David Beckham is actually Jesus, and he has a tattoo to prove it. Some Real Housewives kicked some ass in a bar fight. It's a greedy, seedy Saturday gossip.

Victoria Beckham's favorite hobby: Staring at her husband when he is naked. Hey, if you were married to David Beckham, you'd do it too. And maybe even if you weren't. [Images via Pacific Coast News]

Soccer player David Beckham and his android wife Victoria are expecting a child sometime this summer! The creepily good-looking couple already have three kids named "Brooklyn," "Cruz" and "Romeo." What hilarious name will they give this poor child?

Chris Brown has a really hard time not being a complete asshole. Also today: rumors of John Mayer's dating life are greatly exaggerated, Camille Grammer still sucks, and Zac Efron gets a hot beef injection.

Posh reveals the secret to loving a guy with a ridiculous voice. Ashton's self-proclaimed mistress says he and Demi are swingers. Amy Winehouse says she's been clean for three years. Toni Braxton files for bankruptcy again. Thursday gossip has arrived.

Utah authorities threaten to turn TLC reality show Sister Wives into a procedural justice thriller. Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis got drunk before their lesbian kiss. Lindsay Lohan sells paparazzi pictures for $10,000 a pop. Tuesday gossip has arrived.