A writer wrote about Tiger Woods' penis! Some chick from The Bachelor totally cheated on The Bachelor! J-Lo in a catsuit! David Paterson's awesome rapper friends! Adrian Grenier isn't ugly! OR IS HE?! Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

  • Remember that time Benoit Denizet-Lewis basically outed Tiger Woods as a patient in sex rehab which you're really not supposed to do if you're a fellow addict? Well here he is telling everyone how sorry Tiger Woods truly is because, as a fellow sex addict, he knows a sincere apology when he sees one. And I know a guilt-ridden apology disguised in the form of a high-profile byline you just made a clean buck on when I see one because like Denizet-Lewis now occasionally does I write scuzzy celebrity gossip but I don't have a book to promote so, there's that, and also, I didn't break some kind of code, so there's that, too! What I'm saying is that this kind of looks like bullshit on both sides. [NY Post]

  • Okay, what, Page Six? Did I shit in your sandbox or something? Three more days left in this bitch and you give me some chick from The Bachelor who used to date Carl Pavano? Apparently she was cheating on the guy from The Bachelor while she was on the show, which great, whatever, The Bachelor, wow, but more importantly: if you don't know who Carl Pavano is, he's basically the worst pitcher in the history of the universe, or at least the Yankees. He signed a huge contract and then never played because he injured his ass and when he did, was basically awful. And then he left the Yankees and was getting paid nothing and was great. If you're a baseball fan, you hate the Carl Pavanos of the Universe. In fact, here's a treat: the first ever blog I wrote was a spoof off of an old music blog called Gerard vs. Bear that was basically Hipster Runoff 1.0, and it was about Carl Pavano. Here. TO be fair, that was a long time ago, but that doesn't change the fact that Carl Pavano sucks, and that he was the only thing I noticed about today's lead Page Six item. Complete fail. [Page Six]

  • Oh hey, look, it's Tiger Woods' wife whose name nobody can pronounce correctly, and oh, wow, she's shopping. As if I couldn't discern that from the giant picture of her shopping you have to accompany the story. [NYDN]

  • Sarah Jessica Parker's never been on Twitter and that's okay because if you live in New York and have ever tried to do anything in Murray Hill for more than ten minutes you essentially feel her influence EVERYWHERE YOU GO. [Page Six]

  • Accomplished film director and rapist Roman Polanski won a prize from Zee Germans. [NYDN]

  • Some chick gave Adrian Grenier the wrong number to play hard to get with him. So, wait, if he actually gets her number, doesn't that make him some kind of stalker? Because that's how it works for the rest of us. Us UGLIES. *Runs away sobbing, comes back, starts typing again.* [Page Six]

  • J-Lo performed in a leather catsuit and apparently it was impressive. Her new song is called "What Is Love" and for a second I was like NO and then realized no, there's no way, but if she did, believe me, you would've already read about it about two seconds after it'd happened. Because that song is basically my BatSignal. [NYDN]

  • I'm impressed that Liv Tyler can
    (A) Still make Page Six
    (B) Is dating someone from the art world
    (C) Is dating someone from the art world with the first name "Vito"
    (D) And the last name Schnabel. Like Julian, I guess?
    Yet, this item about her being out the other night is totally ruined by the presence of Lizzie Grubman (celebuflack) and only kinda redeemed by the presence of Paul Sevigny (celebuhipster). [Page Six]

  • Jesus christ. British people are secretly insane. There's no question that behind that polished veneer of well-mannered cool is a totally insane person. Soccer fans, for example. Or as we deal with here, their tabloids, which are so much more intense than ours in every way, and not just intense, but an exercise in complete absurdity. Isn't this part of an art movement? Here's an entire spread about one of the Beckham kids' EXTREME BIRTHDAY PARTY. What the fuck, did he have real dinosaurs there or something? Were they doing shots of primer? Don't get it. [The Sun]

  • Ed Westwick showed up to some fashion show, had a drink, and left, because they were playing Stevie Ray Vaughn and he wanted to hear The Beatles. I mean, shit, as good a reason as any. Fair play in my book. [Page Six]

  • Michael K's beautiful, solemn tribute to...one of the dogs from The Dog Whisperer is, especially for dog-lovers, impressive. Especially since he managed not to call anyone a slut. [D-Listed]

  • Kathy Griffin tried to make a funny joke about Heidi Montag. Not sure it worked. [Page Six]

  • I know we covered this yesterday, but I haven't been reading up on my D-Listed, and I spit out my coffee at every other sentence at this account of Ke$ha and Adam Lambert making out. I secretly have this theory that Michael K is one of the Yale Young Poets by night. [D-Listed]

  • OMG. I just had that moment where I read a fucking amazing Page Six item that was just, like, written just for me. No, really, just for me. The last time this happened, Samuel Jackson bought a place for his daughter next to my boss. You can go to Page Six and find it or just wait for me to write about it, which I totally, I mean, you know I'm going to. Page Six, you win today. I was wrong.

  • David Paterson and Jay-Z are friends? Weird. [Page Six]

JESUS. More than enough. Absolutely completely more than enough, which is basically how this day already is. This will be a fun one. I'm taking requests today! Put 'em here. Maybe we'll even give out one of those wonderful comment award things. Also, tomorrow is Remy Stern's first day and Friday was Gabriel Snyder's last so if you don't already know this I AM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF OF GAWKER RIGHT NOW. Chain of command and all that. If I die, I think Adrian's next in line? Basically, I'm spending the entire day in the back of a coffee shop in Brooklyn taking to my new responsibilities quite well:

This job is the best.

[Photo of Tiger Woods' not post-coital via EA Sports. It's in the game.]