Today at Gawker.TV, Bones investigates the murder of a Jersey Shore lookalike, The Salahis feel vindicated by the finale of the Real Housewives of D.C., mud wrestling on Community, and David Archuleta mistakes Steven Tyler for a woman.

Former American Idol runner-up David Archuleta was caught peddling backwards on The Wendy Williams Show after he confused new judge Steven Tyler for a girl. It's fine, David. Dude looks like a lady.

Well, summer is over, so we're all done with "summer jams." But music isn't over! Music never ends! And there are some excellent albums coming up in the next few months. Want to listen to some of them?

Today at Gawker.TV, Never invite Glenn Beck to a party, Stephen Colbert goes off on John McCain's flip-flopping ways, David Archuleta pops up on Tosh.0, and Drew Barrymore reveals the pet names she and Justin Long have for each other.

Tosh.0 featured girls from a fan reaction video to David Archuleta's American Idol loss years ago. They were promised they'd meet the teen idol, but ended up being served his head in a box—just like in Seven.

He just likes going to gay nightclubs to watch his friend Charice sing pop songs. Season 7 runner-up David Archuleta was spotted at a club this weekend, igniting ribald speculation across the Twitterverse. So he was forced to "defend" himself.

Sienna Miller turns 28 today. Denzel Washington is turning 55. John Legend is 31. Gayle King turns 55. Saturday Night Live's Seth Meyers is turning 36. Judge Alvin Hellerstein is 76. Media tycoon Phil Anschutz is 70. Former AOL exec turned new media investor Bob Pittman is turning 56. Artist Robert Storr is 60. South Dakota Senator Tim Johnson is turning 63. And American Idol runner-up David Archuleta is 19 today.

Tonight, our favorite suspender-wearing, cute as a button CNN host—Larry King—ran a Christmas-themed special. Filled mostly with musical numbers from Sting, David Archuleta and others, the episode's highlight was Queen Latifah's interesting rendition of The Night Before Christmas.

• The owner of M2, the club formerly known as Crobar and Mansion, says he may sue Beyoncé now that she appears to be backing out of a deal to perform at the club for $200K. [P6]
• It's been nearly 10 months since Jeremy Piven put a deadly piece of fish in his mouth and the sudden onset of mercury poisoning forced him to drop out of a Broadway show and seek medical treatment. He's feeling much, much better now, he'd like you to know. And he's still sticking to that fishy story about fish, evidently. [People]
• During a recent concert in Manchester recently, Britney Spears shouted out, "What's up, London," a line that did not go over well with the crowd. [Sun]
• Jennifer Love Hewitt is writing a relationship advice book. The secret to landing sweet, charming men like Carson Daly and John Mayer: coming soon to bookstores everywhere! [People]

To save the homeless, David Archuleta doffs jeans. [Us]

Author/humorist David Sedaris turns 52 today. Jared Leto is 37. CNN's Candy Crowley is 60. AOL chief Randy Falco is 55. Senator Evan Bayh is 53. America's Most Wanted's John Walsh is 63. Chris Daughtry is 29. And record producer (and possible murderer) Phil Spector celebrates his 68th today. Weekend birthdays after the jump.

When Radio Station Photo-Op Ideas Go Wrong: David Archuleta Glimpses Horrifying Vision of His Possible, Justin Guariniesque Future Edition! Someone at Oakland's KHOP 95.1 FM thought it would be a good idea to have Archie work the Drive-Thru/sign autographs at fourth-tier fast food franchise Del Taco (seriously, they couldn't trade him up to a Quiznos or something?), which the preternaturally upbeat, tweensy Idol phenomenon smiled through without complaint. (His father was just out of camera range, barking, "Goddamit the blue Tercel said NO sour cream. Get in the GAME, son.") Enjoy a gallery of photos here, including one of Archuleta sweetly taking the time to sign the back of Pugsley Addams's T-shirt. [ONTD]

At a Cedars-Sinai benefit last night at the Hyatt Regency Century Plaza, the animated woodland creatures that typically accompany David Archuleta wherever he goes were shooed away by idol-feeding succubus Priscilla Presley, who quickly drained the rosy tint from his cheeks. Hours later, he arose from a shallow dirt grave to take on his new, immortal form—as ELVISULA, Hip-Gyrating Prince of Darkness. [NY Post]

With Thanksgiving over, we'd like now to officially ring in the Archie season. Won't you sing some Archie carols and standards with us?

Finally coming out to the world as a David Archuleta fan has made a huge difference in our day to day lives—we just feel lighter and happier, as if we can finally start being the real us, instead of keeping up some ridiculous charade of what society expects a grown man living in Silver Lake to have on his iPod. But never, in our wildest Archie-loving dreams, did it ever occur to us that he might actually...know we exist.Well, apparently he does, as an interview conducted by Kathy Griffin backstage at The Bonnie Hunt Show today revealed that Archuleta read our track-by-track review of his debut CD, or at least glanced at the video of girls reacting to his real-time defeat at the top of the page. (A reader tells us Kathy also name dropped us on the air, so we feel we owe her something in return: "Your rack is banging in that Hello Kitty shirt." There.) According to Arch, he was led to the post by his bestubbled vanquisher, David Cook—suggesting Cook reads Defamer as well. Enh, whatever. That's cool, we guess. [Kathy Griffin's MySpace]

Kate Bosworth checking in for a flight at JFK with boyfriend James Rousseau ... Natalie Portman eating soup on the set of her new movie ... Hugh Jackman leaving the studios of GMA ... Sarah Jessica Parker walking with son James in the West Village ... Frank Gifford leaving ABC studios ... Kate Winslet shopping at YSL ... Alicia Keys standing outside the Letterman show ... Katie Holmes leaving her East Village apartment ... Seth Green, Enrique Iglesias, and David Archuleta posing for pics outside MTV studios in Times Square ... and Fergie sitting in the backseat of a cab.

We've already expressed to you how American Idol runner-up David Archuleta could literally save the world. How big an Archie fan are we? Let's put it this way: You see that video above us? We're the one in the orange shirt and glasses. Well, we've just downloaded his debut CD on iTunes, made available today, and have jotted down our thoughts on every track. Our occasionally tear-smudged first impressions follow:1. "Crush"

We find ourselves absentmindedly doodling pictures of littlest karaoke soldier David Archuleta in the margins of our publishing software, wiling away these final days until his totally-going-to-blow-Cook-out-of-the-water debut LP drops. But listen, Archie—our little shaved koala, our 300-lb. gospel powerhouse in the body of a 17-year-old Mormon twink—the times, they are a-changin', but not a-quite fast enough. You've already begun to do your part, releasing a catchy single called "Crush" whose video remains titillatingly unspecific about which of the several boys splashing around in a lake you secretly want to take Christmas Tree shopping. But things are escalating.Your fanbase is bum rushing your houses of worship, hoisting placards demanding back their pillaged civil rights with the very hands that feverishly dialed in your 1-866-IDOLS number during your own moment of need. Only one child can bring these two sides together. The One. The Archie. Just leave your father at home, and remember what we always told you: song choice, song choice, song choice. Now what are you waiting for—a sign in some cornfield? Go save the world, kiddo! We're counting on you!

Thou Shalt Not Worship False Idols: And now, from the Deseret News, comes this story of a Utah man who cut 12 acres of his cornfield into a maze in the shape of American Idol runner-up David Archuleta. "We really thought of Obama and McCain at first, but everyone we talked to was sick of the candidates," creator Brett Herbst said. "Then we said, 'Let's do Archuleta.'" Words fail us, so we'll defer to Deseret News commenter "asiangirl": "WOW!!!! THE EXTENT OF LOVE FOR THE MOST LOVED!! I LOVE IT!!!!..." A refugee from the Clayboard, perhaps? [Deseret News]

• Uma Thurman, tired of the smell and nanny banging of being married to a celebrity, gets engaged to a nice, boring financier who dated Elle Macpherson.[US Magazine]