Jessica Simpson hopes a coyote returns her dog. Bill hoped that Hillary would be Al's vice-president. And Jude Law's baby-mama hopes to make a buck. Good morning, and welcome to your Wednesday morning Gossip Roundup!

Jon Gosselin's gambling at Foxwoods, but it's Robert Pattinson who can't lose. Stephenie Meyer's getting sued, because she's no Astronaut Mya or, uh, Billy Bush. Or Hayden Panettiere's 'Pink Taco' sharing Harry Morton. Visionaries! Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup!

Wonderful. Corrupt criminal America-hating dirtbag crazy liar Tom DeLay is making gay jokes with Chris Matthews on the TV, because of his upcoming appearance on a competitive ballroom dancing show. (Who knew Newt's reemergence would end up being less offensive?)

And here's ex-House Majority Leader and known American Criminal Tom Delay promoting his upcoming appearance on ABC's Dancing With the Stars on ABC News program Good Morning America.

There is no reason why the hoofers on Dancing with the Stars should be the only ones to make profit from the show. While they're endorsing diet plans and signing deals, we're going to bet cash on the winner.

Indicted former GOP House Majority Leader Tom DeLay will be a contestant on Dancing With the Stars. Terri Schiavo's dead—what else did you expect him to do?

In the wake of the "Paula's leaving American Idol" tragedy, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and get ready for her to guest star on some shows about dowdy fat girls.

• It looks like it's over for Paris Hilton and boyfriend Doug Reinhardt. Please excuse us while we go get a big box of tissues; we really weren't mentally prepared for news this upsetting this morning. [People, Sun]
• A couple of weeks ago, it was Gwynnie Paltrow who was getting blamed for setting A-Rod up with Kate Hudson. Now real estate "superagent" Adam Modlin is taking credit for brokering the transaction. Go figure. [NYDN]
• Maybe Kanye West and Amber Rose didn't break up, after all. Or maybe they did break up, but they're spending a lot of time together anyway? It's a mystery, really. [P6]
• Coco Rocha is not going to be an intern at Vogue this summer. She's just spending a lot of time there so she can "learn more about the business." [WWD]

Sure, he once briefly flipped out about rigged online voting, but Steve Wozniak's Dancing with the Stars stint will be remembered for the Apple cofounder's overflowing good humor, maintained through his inevitable defeat.

We thought only geeks would dig Steve Wozniak when the rotund Apple cofounder took to Dancing with the Stars. But with his clumsy moves, injuries, and conspiracy theories, he's proving perfect fodder for reality TV!

On Dancing with the Stars, adorably lumpy Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak pranced his way into our hearts with a broken foot. Even the judges warmed to him. No one called him a "Teletubby" this time!

Can anything stop Steve Wozniak, the goofy billionaire Apple cofounder who's waltzing across TV screens nationwide on ABC's Dancing With the Stars? Apparently not — not a roasting by the judges. Not even a fractured leg.

Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak made it through his routine on Dancing With the Stars without doing anything deeply tragic! Except, you know, for going on Dancing With the Stars in the first place.

• Whoops! Jeremy Piven was seen eating a mercury-laden plate of tuna tartare and calamari salad last weekend, although his publicist is now denying the account. [MSNBC]
• "Insiders" say that Ivana Trump and Rossano Rubicondi did not, in fact, marry because they were hopelessly in love, but because it was all part of a deal to stir up some publicity and the two even had a contract drawn up. Our faith in romance has been crushed! [NYDN]
• How did the press know Chris Brown was in Miami with Rihanna last weekend? He told them so, silly. In related news, Rihanna is reportedly refusing to testify against him (even though prosecutors plan to move forward). And Brown is scheduled to be arraigned today, although it's unclear if he'll make a courthouse appearance. [P6, NYP, People]
• Jeff Toobin changed his Facebook status to "Married" yesterday. That'll clear everything up! [P6]

Since Silicon Valley has so few real celebrities, why not go crazy for the ones we have: Dancing With the Stars premieres in one week with Apple co-founder (and Kathy Griffin ex) Steve "Woz" Wozniak.

When it comes to altering one's appearance, Photoshop has picked up where Denise Richards and Lil' Kim left off. Presenting: the heavily-altered publicity photos for the newest season of Dancing with the Stars.

ET's coverage of Dancing with the Stars has traditionally been exhaustive, so why has their every mention of the new cast omitted perky fluff oracle Nancy O'Dell?

ABC unveiled the cast of Dancing with the Stars last night, and in a flight of artsy-fartsy-fancy, we've paired them with a choreographer from history we think could best serve them throughout the competition.

• Tom Cruise tried to impress a group of reporters at a press event in Brazil by speaking Spanish instead of Portuguese. Nice one, Tom. [P6]
• Etta James is no fan of Beyonce. She told a crowd in Seattle that she "can't stand" the singer, and that she "had no business" singing "At Last" at Obama's inauguration two weeks ago. Oh, and she's "gonna get her ass whupped," if she keeps singing Etta's songs, too. [NYDN, OK!]
• Paris Hilton wants to date a "big-money man" in LA, but she isn't having much success finding one who's willing to be seen with her in public. [P6]

Dear Donny: Your big mouth got you fired. [ETOnline]