ABC unveiled the cast of Dancing with the Stars last night, and in a flight of artsy-fartsy-fancy, we've paired them with a choreographer from history we think could best serve them throughout the competition.

Jewel: Before she was felled by her own scarf in a freak automobile accident, ISADORA DUNCAN was the mother of modern dance. We think she'd make a good fit with this "Foolish Games"-singing Alaskan Earth mother.

Steve O: No one does nihilism and self-destructive behavior better than BOB FOSSE. We think Steve O could nail these moves if he put his heart into it.

Steve "The Woz" Wozniak: Someone as bearishly free-spirited and forward-thinking as The Woz deserves a choreographer to match. We nominate MARK MORRIS.

Shawn Johnson: TWYLA THARP'S athletic, often times gymnastic, style of movement matches the Olympic gold medalist's.

Denise Richards A failed marriage, a critically trounced reality show. What Denise Richards really needs is meaning in her life. Choreographer, sociocultural-conceptualist and multmedia artist BILL T. JONES seems the one who could imbue this woman with some depth on the dance floor. His Blind Date might be a good start.

Lil Kim: Before Lil Kim turned into a tabloid name, a perjurer, and plastic surgery disaster, she was one badass MC. We therefore banish her back to the streets of Brooklyn for her dance inspiration, where kids are caught up in the new sensation GET LITE—a happier, clown-makeup-free version of Krumping. Get back to your roots, Kim!

Belinda Carlisle For the ex-Go Go who sang "Heaven is a Place on Earth," we recommend MARTHA GRAHAM, who in this early rehearsal video explains "the important thing was the weight of the body against the floor was emphasized."

David Alan Grier, the host of Chocolate News, belongs in an ALVIN AILEY classic like Revelations, where he can make amends for past artistic trangressions like Little Man and Thugaboo: Sneaker Madness.