We promise you that we don't have some kind of secret product-placement deal with eBay—if we did, why are we eating cat food for breakfast? But we've got an update on the saga of the script that failed writer/failing online script-seller Mike Adamick has posted on eBay. We've got a bid, people! It's 500 bucks, the minimum bid, but still. Clicking through the bidder's eBay profile reveals that he's (it's almost certainly a "he," stick with us) a record collector. It makes perfect sense; a "record collector" is about the only flavor of dork that could possibly be made marginally cooler by buying a screenplay on eBay.

Lindsay Lohan just auctioned one of her signed bras on eBay. The winning bid was $10,001, and even though the proceeds nobly go to a woman's heart disease charity, we think someone egregiously overpaid. The item's a fake—everyone knows that Lindsay doesn't wear bras (NSFW).

SaveDisney.com has an hilarious photo essay depicting Disney's California Adventure theme park as a deserted wasteland this Memorial Day. (Just so you know, SaveDisney is ousted board member/Walt nephew Roy Disney's site.) We once had the pleasure of wandering into the Emptiest Place On Earth, which eerily reminded us of Universal CityWalk during an anthrax scare.

More from the sitcom writers' room: MTV story editor In Hollywoodlog, Shari Brooks gives the Hollywood wannabe advice on how to get your first writers' assistant job: Lie. Lie about your typing speed, your computer skills, lie on your resume, and then get your friends to back you up as references. Not surprisingly, her web of untruths got her a gig on a sitcom.

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach is urging Kabbalah Centre head Philip Berg to yank Madonna out on the street by her red string bracelet. "Yes, she may sing and she may dance. But she is famous for being a slut. Is the Kabbalah Center really so desperate that it is prepared to promote itself through a vulgarian whose main contribution to the culture is porn rock?"

Former LAT writer and THR editor Anita Busch is suing Hollywood private eye Anthony Pellicano for allegedly trying to intimidate her out of investigating stories in the entertainment industry. (LA Observed says they were scaring her off a hot Steven Seagal story. WTF?) The scare tactics included smashing her windshield and leaving a dead fish on it, and trying to run her over with a Mercedes. [Ed.note—Hope it was a convertible.] Just for the record, if Defamer one day gets under anyone's skin, we have a $500 deductible, so please smash all of the windows on our 1993 Reliant K. In lieu of the dead fish, we'd prefer a nice pan-seared ahi. Being intimidated is hungry business.

They're so much easier to hit while they're fumbling with the camera and making sure their fingers are properly framed. 100 bonus points if they're carrying a baby.

Ask for pics of giant porno billboards and ye shall receive pics of giant porno billboards. Many thanks to our quick-snapping reader for submitting these photos. There's another pic after the jump; click on either of them to see larger versions of the barely-covered breasts that nearly threatened to terrorize the untittilated Sunset Strip masses. It's almost like having the Valley right in your cubicle or living room, without those troublesome money shots!

This is one of the more amusing press releases we've read in some time. Exhibitionist adult sexuality advocates Vivid Video have, ahem, erected a billboard with somewhat-obscured pornstar breasts (Jenna Jameson and Tera Patrick, if you must know) at one of the Sunset Strip's busiest stretches, then pat themselves on the back for averting another "Nipplegate" by allowing a nose to "barely cover" one of Jenna's areolas. People aren't going to be so thrilled when traffic stalls so that SUV-driving onanists can "rubberneck," pretty sure that they can make out a hint of nipple.

"Newman pitches tent for kids."

Wow, it's as if our very mention of "Crest Whitestrips" has conjured this out of thin air: the official Crest Whitestrips Style Award nominees have been announced. When we noted the epic press release over a month ago, our inner pessimist never dared to dream that this ambitious vision might one day be realized, or that Sharon Stone would actually go through with her hosting responsibilities.

According to the LAT's Steve Lopez, erstwhile "Most Powerful Man in Hollywood" Michael Ovitz is already inciting his future Benedict Canyon neighbors to riot. The construction of his understated 28,059-square-foot mansion has the facelifts of the neighborhood's multimillionaires vibrating with rage. 77 trees will have to be uprooted and the trucks removing 15,000 cubic yards of dirt might slow the BMW and Lexus traffic on the Canyon's winding roads to a crawl.

According to Madonna's official website (no, it's not kabbalah.com, you're incorrigible!), tonight's show at the LA Forum has been canceled. "Madonna has the stomach flu and was ordered by her doctor to rest this evening. She will be back at 100% and can't wait to entertain her fans!!!!" [Ed.note—Totally retarded exuberance theirs.]

Ever wonder why your friends and coworkers at The Cheesecake Factory only have nice things to say about your most recent play/screenplay/acting gig, which, deep down, you know is god-awful? Actor/gameshow host Regan Burns translates the ambiguously positive remarks of the "Hollywood Lie" your peers deliver through a forced smile and gritted teeth. Don't worry, you can still have the last laugh. Peeing in a producer friend's food is a time-worn Hollywood revenge.

Disney CEO Michael Eisner is taking a page from the presidential handbook on crisis management: When things aren't looking so good, send the troops to a place ill-equipped to resist an invasion. Eisner has unleashed his army of 700 lbs, celebrity-designed Mickeys to conquer Chicago. Once they've run roughshod over the Windy City, be prepared for the disturbing photos of hideously tacky mice gleefully torturing the captured, improv-happy members of Second City. Look, this Mickey's already learned the thumbs-up!

Congratulations to new mother Helen Hunt and father Matthew Carnahan (a television writer/producer), who announced the birth of their daughter Makena'lei Gordon Carnahan to the public some two weeks after its birth. The child is named for a town in Maui, Hawaii; one can only assume that's where the child was conceived after a wild night of mai tais and hula dancing, with the sweaty lovers engaging in some speculative pillow-talk. "Honey, if I get pregnant tonight, I think it would be really great if we gave the baby a Hawaiian name, even though neither of us are Hawaiian." "Baby, that's a great idea, but I insist that the child have an apostrophe in its name. God, you look so hot in that grass skirt."

Guess the disappointed crowd at the Andy Kaufman Stays Dead Spectacular was a little premature in their letdown. The guy must have had some really bad karma from wrestling all of those women, as he's been reincarnated as a blogger. Poor schmuck should've stayed dead. Didn't anyone tell him what this gig pays? Were all the busboy jobs taken?

A hundred die-hard Andy Kaufman fans showed up to the Bunny Ranch to redeem their "free sex coupons" from Sunday's show. Here are some pics of former Kaufman alter-ego Tony Clifton with the faithful pilgrims:

Despite their efforts, a club full of Andy Kaufman's fans couldn't will him back to life. The comedian/amateur wrestler often joked about faking his own death and then returning 20 years later, and this Sunday was the 20th anniversary of his passing from cancer. Bob Zmuda, Kaufman's writer and partner, threw him a party at the House of Blues in West Hollywood just in case Kaufman pulled off the stunt. Two Defamer operatives filed their disappointed reports after the comic failed to rise from the dead. The consolation prize? Dennis Hof, owner of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch (Kaufman's favorite brothel), promised all ticket holders a free round with a prostitute if they showed up on Monday night.

Following in the footsteps of The New Republic's recent piece, the New York Post's Corey Levitan bravely infiltrates the Kabbalah Center. Predictably, he finds Madonna there, wearing a cheeky "Cult Member" t-shirt, thus proving beyond the shadow of a doubt that she isn't brainwashed—it's an established fact that the first part of the mind that cults erase is the lobe that enjoys an ironic t-shirt. Ever see a Scientologist in a shirt that says "If I Try And Leave, L.Ron Hubbard's Goons Will Kill My Agent?"