An aged New York doctor and his wife were arrested at their Upper West Side home on Tuesday, accused of supplying the city’s black market with over 3 million oxycodone pills since 2009, USA Today reports.

A Florida man has been charged with misdemeanor simple battery and probation violation after allegedly throwing a slice of pizza at his roommate during an argument about (quite possibly the same) pizza, The NY Daily News reports.

We know Richard Matt is a convicted killer on the loose. We know, thanks to my colleague Jordan Sargent, that “Matt is very handsome and, in all frankness, very well endowed.” Now we also know that Matt, for some weird reason, has this massive Marine Corps tattoo, even though the Marines say he never served.

Don’t let anybody tell you a street fight is not an attack on your life.

On Sunday, the night manager of an Applebee’s in Fayetteville, Georgia was found shot to death in the restaurant’s parking lot, the Associated Press reports.

Two Texas brothers who confessed to shooting a stranded dolphin to death with a compound bow were sentenced to one year of probation, 50 hours of community service and a shared $7,300 fine this week, KBTV reports.

Brooklyn Libertarians and/or Reddit gold account owners beware: police say a man was robbed at gunpoint for $1,100 in Bitcoin in Crown Heights last week.

An Alabama man, accused of third-degree assault, attempted to wiggle out of his legal trouble by wiggling out of his pants. He reportedly showed the alleged assault victim his dumb penis and asked her to drop the charges. To everyone’s absolute and total shock, he was unable to make his problems disappear merely by waving his dick like a magic wand.

Lacie LaRose, a 19-year-old student at Blinn College, was shot and killed at a graduation party last month after a fight that began as an argument over the rules of beer pong, according to one witness. Ronald McNeil, the 39-year-old alleged killer, told police that the fight was racially charged.

On Tuesday, a Houston man was arraigned on capital murder charges after police say he beat his 3-year-old son to death as punishment for wetting himself, KHOU-TV reports.

Black market butt injections claimed another victim Saturday in a rented basement in Far Rockaway, Queens.

Police in North Charleston, S.C., have arrested the man they believe wrapped electrical tape around the muzzle of Caitlyn the dog, a chocolate Staffordshire, and left her for several days with her tongue stuck between her teeth, unable to eat or drink.

Bangladeshi authorities have charged 42 people with murder in the 2013 Rana Plaza building collapse that killed more than 1,100 garment workers. If we see an international minimum wage in our lifetime, they won’t have died in vain.

Authorities say an Alabama man charged with murder this weekend beat his mother to death following an argument about his college grades, CNN reports.

Police say an Oklahoma man was shot and killed on Friday after he attacked the state troopers who had just rescued him from rising floodwaters, the Associated Press reports.

Ross Ulbricht, the young “California geek” who became the internet’s most notorious drug lord and began a still-raging debate over online privacy and liberty, will spend the rest of his life in prison.

On April 8, staffers at the Boston Public Library noticed that Albrecht Dürer’s Adam and Eve—an engraving valued at over $600,000—was missing from its collection. After an internal search, a Rembrandt etching was found missing as well. A month on, no one knows what became of the art—but police believe the apparent heist may have been an inside job.

Hey big boy. Nice watch. It’s very hot. Is it yours? That’s nice. It’s real, right? Rolex? Wow. That is really nice. I bet there are some big strong arms attached to those big strong wrists of yours. Really nice girth. Really, really nice. Anyway—wanna get out of here? Someplace we can be alone?

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports that a State Department employee working at the US Embassy in London was arrested at the Atlanta International Airport last week, after allegedly hacking into hundreds of young women’s computers, stealing explicit photos, and then attempting to use those private nudes as blackmail.

How much is your community spending to incarcerate members of your community? Probably a lot more than you think.