Kelly Bensimon won't have to serve any time for punching her former boyfriend in the face back in March. This morning she accepted a deal that will put the charges to bed (and allow her to eventually purge her record), provided she complete two days of community service and stay out of trouble. The plea puts the humiliating episode behind her, although a little bit more humilation ended up following her out of the courtroom: As reporters and photographers followed her down Centre Street, one "puzzled passerby" was overheard on her cell phone telling a friend that she'd spotted Countess LuAnn de Lesseps. Poor thing. Nevertheless, Kelly seems to be pleased with the outcome. She says "justice was served," and the ordeal even appears to have provided her with a new cause to focus her attention on:

File under "Probably Not In This Week's Altarcations": the founder of "Hookers For Jesus" and some guy in a Christian rock band got married in Vegas. The name of the band? "Stryper." +4 [CNN]

New York's Finest: ticketed a van for a month before finding a corpse inside.

Crazy people of America: stop telling everyone that you're going to kill prominent politicians! We know you're too dumb and crazy to do it, but the Feds don't!

Mobbed-up former Top Cop Bernie Kerik pleaded not guilty yesterday to his new DC charges, which are similar to his old New York charges. And then he Tweeted about it, because he does not have very good legal counsel.

So, a young black man is murdered on the Harvard campus by another young black man; a black female Harvard student is kicked off campus as a result, and charges racism. Can you spot the elephant in this Ivy room?

Current TV journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee, who were arrested in North Korea in March, are finally going on trial in the psycho dictatorship today. The one media outlet not covering their case: Current TV.

Here's a sad update the story of Angel Hess, the hipster/hippie whose raggedy truck "Purple 53" once haunted Williamsburg: He's stuck in Colorado, where he says he's been scammed by a childhood friend who "hijacked" his truck.

Courtroom testimony appears to have solved the riddle of why tech journalist Rex Farrance was killed in a seemingly bizarre 2007 slaying: The thieves knew about all the pot stashed in his San Francisco Bay Area home.

Darryl Littlejohn, the worst bouncer ever, was found guilty of rape and murder this afternoon after a day of deliberations. [NYT]

Just a few weeks ago, the city was supposedly experiencing an unprecedented crime wave. Apparently the NYPD turned things around in no time, since newly released FBI stats show that New York has the lowest crime rate of the 25 largest cities in the country. Of the 261 cities with more than 100,000 residents, New York ranked 246th; violent crime dropped four percent last year and murders were down 21.1 percent. So, you know, enjoy not getting murdered when you go out this evening. [NYP]

New Orleans had 64 killings per 100,000 residents in 2008, far outdistancing its nearest competitor, St. Louis. Baton Rouge came in at No. 7. [New York Times]

Part two of the Washington Post's bizarre story on the murder of Robert Wone is out, and it includes the police's disturbing theory of how and why they think Wone's friends—a "polyamorous" gay threesome—stabbed him to death. It involves something called "electro-ejacualation."

The Washington Post reminds us how newspapers used to be today with Part One of a scarcely believable true crime story about the murder of Robert Wone, a 32-year-old lawyer, and the three friends in "polyamorous" gay marriage who police think killed him in their million-dollar Washington, D.C. townhouse.

Hipster Grifter Kari Ferrell has arrived in Utah, reports Fox News, in menacing tones.

The pirates that hijacked the hero crew of the hero ship Maersk Alabama last month took $30,000 from the ship's safe. Now two of the pirates are dead, and the third is waiting to stand trial in NYC. So, uh, where's that cash?

Obama's statement on George Tiller's death: "I am shocked and outraged by the murder of Dr. George Tiller as he attended church services this morning. However profound our differences as Americans over difficult issues such as abortion, they cannot be resolved by heinous acts of violence." [Wichita Eagle]

If there's a reason your town reeks of oversweat Birkenstocks, patchouli, and politically unaddressed body odors, it's because seminal jam band Phish begins their reunion tour tonight. The biggest perk, naturally, will be the influx of high-grade marijuana in your town. But the 5-0 ain't havin' it.

A gruesome string of violence in Chicago in being investigated right now to see if any of it is connected in any way whatsoever. It'd almost be more comforting if it were. Otherwise, these numbers are incredibly frightening - not just for Chicago, but for any city.

Bernie Madoff: hired Martha Stewart-endorsed "mitigation specialist" to help him reduce his prison sentence. Luxuries!