Thomas "Painter of Darkness" Kinkade, the world's single most objectionable mass-producer of wall-hangings for middle American Baptists, is not just a terrible offender against aesthetics—he's also a crook!

Cricket-loving billionaire Allen Stanford, dubbed "Mini-Madoff" by hypemongers like us after allegedly scamming $8 billion from investors in a Ponzi scheme, has finally been indicted. He surrendered to the Feds late yesterday. Of course, he is innocent.

It's not just Mister Softee trucks that come out when the summer season begins. So do murderers! The Times combed through crime stats for the past few years and confirmed what had long been conventional wisdom, namely that "when the temperatures rise, people hit the streets, and New York becomes a distinctively lethal place." September, it turns out, is the single most murderous month, followed by August. (In case you're curious, Saturday night around 10pm is the deadliest time to be out and about.)

Stupid Europe always gets the best sex scandals. While we here in the USA are unable to even find three days worth of interesting material in a Senator's affair, France is four years into this S&M banker-"whore" murder case.

We keep hearing more from people who once worked with Fox News writer Don Broderick. Even before he was accused of dragging a cyclist through Central Park, former colleagues tell us, co-workers were afraid to be around him.

Now this is some sort of karma: a report says that the state of California is going after RadarOnline for exploiting Octomom's kids, with their relentless Octomom videos. [UPDATED below]

If anyone can get the scoop on a fringe Kennedy family member's creepy porny obsession with JFK Jr., and a very specific description of said guy's child porn collection, it's the New York Post. They've done it! Kennedy creepiness ahead.

531 Harvard employees took early retirement buyouts from the school. The Harvard Business School employees accepted at the highest rate. Meanwhile, an HBS professor was arrested for beating a dude with hot coffeee and the thermos it was in. [Harvard Crimson]

Were you under the impression that our new president had pretty much legalized medical marijuana by telling the feds to stop going after growers and sellers? Not quite!

In your ugly Thursday media column: a Chinese newspaper executive is brutally murdered, Sears pimps 'Good News,' John Norris picks up a new gig, and somebody's interested in the Boston Globe:

The feds filed a criminal complaint today against James von Brunn for the murder of Steven Tyrone Johns, a security guard at the National Holocaust Museum. It includes a note von Brunn wrote saying "Obama was created by Jews."

Who taught 89-year-old neo-Nazi killer James Von Brunn how to use the internet? Isn't it weird how much of a net presence he had, for a century-old lunatic? We have his (surprisingly postmodern) art and his weird forum posts.

Producer extraordinaire Phil Spector killed somebody and went to jail and now he's not allowed to wear his wig. How unfortunate for everyone involved. Click through for Spector, be-wigged:

When the Department of Homeland Security issued a report warning of potential violence by "right-wing extremists," the right-wingers of the internet were enraged. Then some right-wing extremists started killing people.

Updated:An elderly anti-Semite named James W. von Brunn is believed to be the shooter at the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. Author of anti-Semitic Kill the Best Gentiles, he's known as a hero among white supremacists.

Here's something to take pride in: The very first Guantanamo Bay detainee to be brought to the United States to stand trial is now a temporary resident of New York City! Tanzania native Ahmed Khalfan Ghailani arrived in town earlier today under extraordinarily heavy guard, which is a probably a good thing since he's accused of assembling the bombs that killed 224 people at two U.S. embassies in Africa in 1998.

As if it's not hard enough being unemployed right now, Nigerian scammers are trolling Craigslist, wasting the jobless' precious — OK, not so precious — time with fake employment offers. Hopefully no one's gullible enough to send money.

Lock and load, New Yorkers. A terrorist has just entered the island of Manhattan. We also have a pirate here, and Bernie Madoff, cause we are the baddest, yea! But seriously, a terrorist is here, to kill you.

An employee of Steiff, the company that makes all those ridiculously expensive teddy bears, has accused company CEO Martin Frechen of sexually harassing and raping her. All those photos of him with cuddly stuffed animals can't help his reputation now:

James Auchincloss, the 62 year-old half-brother of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, is not in danger of overtaking his sis in popularity. He's currently being investigated for possession of child porn in Oregon.