The spectrum of Fake Ass Jobs extends from jobs that are totally useless and made up (branding consultants, "generational consultants") to, on the other end, jobs that sound useful, but are actually borderline-criminal scams. Hello, "Independent College Counselor"!

Bernie Madoff is adjusting comfortably to life in the North Carolina hick prison which will be his home for the rest of his days. He can take the bad food and the shitty job; but one thing makes Bernie weep.

The most silent victims of crime busts: dogs. Poor pups get executed by rabid cops who shoot first, bark questions last. Now, Maryland cops have to report to the governor's office whenever they kill a pooch. [Daily Beast]

Cops busted the teenage punk behind a Fight Club-aping Upper East Side Starbucks bombing that was like a bad issue of Adbusters come to life. Well, happy endings: he got what he wanted in prison: punched. Also, Starbucks and booze?

Ali Wise won't go down as the only member of the social set to spend time in handcuffs this month. Jules Kirby, the "champagne-swilling" party girl and perennial favorite on blogs like Park Avenue Peerage and Guest of a Guest—and ex-girlfriend of Nevan Donahue, Olivia Palermo's layabout cousin from The City—was arrested in Southampton over July 4th weekend. For attempting to steal an American flag. By the way, did we mention it was July 4th weekend?

The Way We Live Now: Muhfuckas are robbing us! Male models are robbing people. Someone's robbing Orlando Bloom. Politicians are robbing us all. Looking good in hard times is a tough row to hoe.

Bernie Madoff is going to be serving his til-death sentence at Butner Federal Prison in North Carolina. Why there? Nobody knows, really! But it won't be so bad for Bernie—he'll have landscaping, environmentalism, and a hospital bed.

Authorities say they have caught the mad bomber whose small homemade pill-jar bomb harmlessly rocked an Upper East Side Starbucks—and the world—in May. New York has been spared untold Fight Club-inspired terror!

In your tragic Tuesday media column: the ad slump is *almost* over, the NYT Co. sells its classical music station, an act of God stops Bob Woodruff in Iraq, and a eulogy for a murdered Complex magazine intern.

Web producer Annemarie Dooling was in line at HSBC when a robbery held up the bank. She immediately sprung into action. On Twitter.

Marc Dreier may get to see the light of day again, after all. Although prosecutors had asked a judge to sentence the scheming lawyer to a Madoff-like 145 years behind bars, U.S. District Judge Jed Rakoff handed him a 20-year term this afternoon. Dreier is 59, so he'll be a free man before he turns 80. Of course, that will still give him plenty of time to befriend big, buff black men, although presumably they won't be quite as harmless as former client Michael Strahan. [AP]

A lawyer for Dolce & Gabbana flack Ali Wise—who was arrested last week on charges of eavesdropping and computer trespass—says it's not illegal to hack into someone else's voicemail without permission. Really?

Bernie Madoff's only remaining purpose in life is to be exploited by the media. Who will land the first jailhouse TV interview with the villain? We handicap the possibilities, below.

Police say that boxer Arturo Gatti, who was found dead last weekend, was strangled in his sleep by his 23 year-old ex-stripper wife. As if that wasn't unpleasant enough, Perez Hilton put up some other dude's picture on Gatti's "R.I.P." post.

Ali Wise's lawyer is responding to the charges she hacked into the voicemail account of fellow social butterfly Nina Freudenberger. Attorney Mark Jay Heller says Wise didn't do anything wrong—or at least commit the crimes she's been accused of—since the charge of eavesdropping only applies to conversations that were overheard and/or recorded, not voicemails. And she couldn't have engaged in "computer trespassing" if phones—and not computers—are involved: "He [Heller] said authorities had misapplied new laws governing technology. The eavesdropping charge should be dismissed because, among other reasons, Wise had not overheard or recorded a conversation, Heller said. Of the computer trespass charge, he said authorities had not alleged or proven, 'that Ali engaged in any 'unauthorized' conduct in conjunction with a computer or computer service.'"

Marc Dreier pleaded guilty in May to charges he bilked investors out of hundreds of millions of dollars, and he's been under house arrest since then. But today is judgment day and the disgraced lawyer will find out his fate in shortly. In the meantime, though, it looks like he has other problems: "Investment scammer Marc Dreier has been paying $70,000 a month for security guards to make sure he doesn't leave his NYC penthouse. Apparently they don't do dog-walking. Spies say Dreier's terrace is covered with pooch poop." [NYDN]

Shepard "OBEY Obama" Fairey has pleaded guilty to vandalism charges in Boston, and he's getting off easy. Boston, on the other hand...

Just when you were about to give up on life, there's a Hipster Grifter news update! Kari Ferrell had more charges filed against her out in Utah yesterday. Let's learn about them!

The antics of Ali Wise, the Dolce & Gabbana party-planner and publicist who was arrested this week on felony charges of computer trespassing and eavesdropping, extend beyond the one case with which she's been charged, Page Six reports.

Scotland Yard now says that it will not investigate allegations published in The Guardian that Rupert Murdoch's UK tabloids illegally hacked into the cellphones of public figures. Boo! However: the victims may sue. You'll be amazed who one victim was!