It's been a rough few weeks for Goldman Sachs as critics have assailed the firm over its massive profits, the role it may have played in creating the current economic mess and, last but not least, the firm's decision to stand by silently as the Bronx's cookie industry is decimated. How could it possibly get any worse? Having child molesters on the payroll, for one thing:

Apple's two-month-old "Find My iPhone" has already jailed a criminal: A 15-year-old tracked down two iPhones and a wallet stolen from two cars. "As soon as I told [a police officer] the address, he started to laugh." Revenge is priceless.

Need further evidence that America's banking system could use a little fixing? Four NYU college buddies figured out that if you claim your ATM card has been stolen, you're not responsible for the charges, and the bank has 10 days to reimburse you for the loss. So the four opened account after account and pretended their cards had been stolen, over and over again, racking up about half a million bucks in phony refunds over the course of, oh, five years or so, before the banks finally figured out that there might just be a pattern here. Not that lawyer (and chick magnet) Eric Manganelli wasn't already a bit suspicious, of course. It's never a good sign when you count Al D'Amato and Bernie Kerik as friends on Facebook. [NYDN]

The idea that Eliot Spitzer's downfall was engineered by the financial industry whose profits he threatened with regulation has made the rounds on the internet for a while. Now Vanity Fair is siccing two investigative reporters on the story.

The Cambridge Police Department has released the 911 call that led to the arrest of Henry Louis Gates. The caller didn't say the men were black, and she said they could have just been having trouble with their keys.

The nice thing about Eliot Spitzer's post-politics career? He's still in politics. But because he doesn't have an office to run for all the time, he's basically saying whatever he wants. Like calling the Federal Reserve a "ponzi scheme."

Jon Gosselin's pissed Kate Major's lying about them being together. Another parent peddles her kids for money when really, she should be a Spider Man villain. Lindsay Lohan gives me Gwyneth's GOOPy runs. Happy Saturday Morning, here we go:

Newly-released billionaire massage aficionado and Ron Burkle pal Jeffrey Epstein is officially a registered sex offender in Florida. His brand new "Sexual Offender/ Predator Flyer" also includes a map to his house! Smirk less, Jeffrey. [Cityfile]

Is there a way for the old "Teacher Arrested For Sleeping With Student" to combine with the old "Man Solicits Underage Sex on the Internet" to produce a new, stupider crime? On Long Island there is.

Billionaire convicted sex offender Jeffery Epstein is now a free man. He did his 12 months for hiring underage prostitutes, and left jail this morning. So who visited Epstein in jail? His alleged "sex slave," an "extreme fighter," and more!

Oh, how the American media wishes that some sex perv had never secretly recorded a nude video of shapely ESPN reporter Erin Andrews! Then the media would not have been forced to discuss this disgusting spectacle. And make photo galleries!

Turns out that a couple of state workers in Albany hid in some back room smoking weed and selling weed and watching DVDs and passing out on the couch instead of working. And?

Billionaire teen-girl-massage aficionado Jeffrey Epstein is soon to be a free man! As dawn breaks on Wednesday, the gates of the Palm Beach County correctional facility shall fling ajar and Epstein, lust-crazed from 12 months confinement, will flee.

Aaron Bruns, the ex-Fox News producer who pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography, was sentenced to 10 years in prison today by a federal judge. That's 10 more years than an NPR producer got last week for the same crime.

Robin Katz is a "sexy 25-year-old financial planner working at Chase's Midtown headquarters," according to the New York Post, who allegedly ripped off a client to the tune of $110,000 so she could spend it "shopping" and "going out."

New York State Assemblyman Jim Tedisco introduced a "Madoff" bill on Monday, which would require rich New Yorkers convicted of crimes to pay state and federal governments for the estimated $80-$90 it costs to keep them behind bars. Despite the name, Tedisco's proposed law wouldn't have even applied to Madoff, since the government stripped him of his assets. But had it been on the books a few years ago? The most humiliating period in Martha Stewart's life would have come with a $13,500 bill, too. [Reuters]

Chris Brown is really, really, really, really sorry for beating Rihanna to a pulp. [Youtube]

Facebook is quite powerful at lubricating relationships between acquaintances. Too powerful, sometimes: the social network turned an English garden party into a riot requiring a small police army to put down.

Henry Louis Gates, Jr., the Harvard professor, author, friend to Oprah, and chronicler and excavator of African American culture, was arrested for disorderly conduct Thursday at his home in Cambridge, Mass., according to the AP.

The Way We Live Now: Stereotypically. Cops are stealing donuts. Other things are happening too, but cops are stealing donuts. Come on, guys.