A dedicated group of thieves drove an unattended forklift through the wall of an Oregon general store while it was closed on Saturday. The only thing they took was beer. There are, frankly, worse ways to spend Christmas.

Remember the guy caught on a security camera wheeling a suitcase stuffed with a body down 114th Street in Manhattan? Police think they've found him: Fifty-five-year-old Hassan Malik, who apparently confessed to the murder on Tuesday.

Another benchmark in MTV's reality programming devolving into a nightmare episode of Cops: Prosecutors formally charged Teen Mom star Amber Portwood with three felonies for physically attacking the father of her child. [TMZ, Radar, MSNBC]

Leon Walker, a 33 year-old Michigan computer technician, has been charged with a felony (and faces up to five years in prison) for using his wife's password to read her email. Well, he had a damn good reason.

Russian billionaire Mikhail Khodorkovsky's been found guilty of embezzlement, or, as Russians say, "pissing off Vladimir Putin."

On Christmas Day, a Chicago cab driver picked up 25-year-old Joseph Hoffman. When they arrived at Hoffman's destination, he was passed out cold. The driver eventually called police, who found a mobile meth lab and other drugs worth $450,000.

If you find your personal chef's cooking "disgusting," make sure you have it checked at a lab! That's what sex toy chain Ann Summers founder Jacqueline Gold did—turns out her nanny had been poisoning her with wiper fluid.

How "jailhouse lawyer" Jabbar Collins secured his own release after 15 years in prison for a wrongful conviction. [via]

City lawyers say the 2008 tasering of a naked, mentally ill Brooklyn man, Iman Morales, by the NYPD was "reasonable," even though he fell to his death from a 10-foot ledge. Reasonable would be, say, pulling the man down. [NYDN]

A Connecticut man tried to rob a restaurant with an iPhone. It didn't work.

Some rich New Yorkers are missing a lot of fancy art: In November, thieves carved a hole into the wall of a Greenwich Village apartment from the hallway, disabled cameras and made off with nearly $1 million in modern art.

When a police officer attempted to arrest 56-year-old Illinois resident Carolee Bildstein in November for a dine-and-dash, she allegedly attacked him with a "clear, rigid feminine pleasure device." I think I saw a porno that ended like this once.

Were you walking down East 114th Street in New York City Tuesday night? Did you pass a guy with a big roller suitcase? Because, uh, the police want to talk to you. Since the suitcase maybe had a body inside.

St. Paul police are looking for help in locating a car stolen with a baby inside. (Update: found!)

One year and two months after drunkenly torching a 9/11 memorial on Halloween, Harvard Law grad Brian Schroeder pleaded guilty to three charges. "I cannot explain why I acted the way I did," he explained. "I drank many alcoholic beverages."

Police arrested Cornell senior Keri Blakinger while she was holding $150,000 worth of heroin, which she confessed was hers. A Cornell Daily Sun staffer, Keri posed in bikinis on Facebook—and hung out in a notorious drug den.

TMZ says a Betty Ford Clinic employee is accusing Lindsay Lohan of battery, and wants her prosecuted. Meanwhile, Radar says a "major blow-up" with an employee drove LiLo to a "secret location." Update: Michael Lohan confirms fight, blames employee.

Today, in delightful branding-related serendipity: Ron DiMenna, the 73-year-old founder of Ron Jon Surf Shops, was arrested for driving under the influence... of Four Loko. If only all apparel-store founders acted in exactly the way we expect their customers to!

This particular battle started, as all great struggles do, when one participant became angry that his bedroom was being illuminated by headlights from a car in the street. He expressed his displeasure with the man in the car with "a wooden club," at which point things got weird:

There's some confusion over the rape and sexual molestation allegations facing Wikileaks founder Julian Assange. Some think it's a simple mix-up over a broken condom. Newly leaked police reports about the incidents in question should put that idea to rest.