Since it's 2011 and George W. Bush is history, now's a good time to issue detailed reports charging the Bush White House with repeatedly and deliberately violating federal laws against politicking with government resources. Memories!

"Lucky," the terrifying monkey that bit 120 people in Japan last year, has been brought back under the watchful eye of the Japanese state after briefly escaping. She was captured using the sophisticated "call her name repeatedly" technique.

Ann Pettway, who allegedly kidnapped Carlina White as an infant in 1987, has turned herself in, apparently after contacting a police officer on Facebook. She'll face federal kidnapping charges, plus a lot of people wondering what her deal is.

Amanda Bennett and her three children were found dead in their home in the small town of Austin, Indiana Friday. For days, Bennett had posted about her marital problems on a local message board, much to the delight of readers.

A staffer from the LA mayor's gang reduction office was arrested today for assaulting a police officer. Oops.

A $40 million crime wave has just hit Europe: people there are stealing carbon credits. Huh?

Jade Uribe was arrested for stealing a $1,200 Ridley Howard drawing from the wall of a gallery in Greenpoint, Brooklyn during a party. Partygoers chased him down and busted him. Now the gallery's owner is begging for leniency.

With pecan prices rising, the AP reports pecan thefts are becoming more common. Unsurprising. After macadamias and cashews, pecans are the third-tastiest nut. Though some people argue that peanuts are tastier. Insanity? Commenters: rank nuts in order of tastiness below!

Yesterday the FBI arrested over 100 people around New York for mafia ties and "classic mob hits," and some of them have awesome names: "Jack the Whack, Marbles, Skinny, Jonny Pizza, Junior Lollipops, Jimmy Gooch and Baby Fat Larry."

In November, Illinois police discovered Vikki Myers masturbating topless in her van. They didn't charge her with the act, but for possessing a firearm without a license. Last month she pleaded guilty. For some reason, we love this nut.

The FBI says it's begun arresting more than 100 alleged gangsters from six New York and New Jersey mob families this morning in what it calls the largest Mafia round-up in New York history. If you're a mobster, hide now.

Some teens in Florida (natch) recently robbed a woman's home, taking, among other things, the ashes of her father and two Great Danes. Hungry for drugs, they snorted them. Upon realizing their mistake, they threw the ashes in a lake.

Why did 21-year-old Marc Higgins of Bristol, Conn. stab four people at a party? Partly because he was "very drunk." And partly because of his farts.

Twenty-year-old Matthew Riskin Bean was sentenced to 45 days in prison after pleading guilty to a single count of stalking. Bean, a 4chan user, had posed as a "concerned mother" and emailed a Philadelphia school pictures of a student's penis.

Last night, Sarah Palin whined to Sean Hannity about how she still feels attacked/blamed for the Arizona shooting. Sigh. SIGH. Tonight, Jon Stewart picked apart Palin's interview and, once again, exposed her and her ridiculous, undying victim complex. Watch inside.

It's happened before, of course, and I'm not blaming anyone here, except maybe God. It must be very tempting, when you have this tiny, stupid little person hanging around your house, to make it do hilarious things like wear sunglasses, and smoke marijuana. Why not? You own your kid, more or less. It already loves dumb colorful TV shows. And your baby has so much free time!

At least three people have been wounded in a school shooting incident in Gardena, California, a town in Los Angeles County. All the victims are students, early reports suggest. Update: KTLA reports only two victims, says shooting was accidental.

Today in safe places: Compton, California, where murders are down by more than three-quarters in the past 20 years and old folks have returned to porch-sitting. The "gangster rap causes violence and not vice versa" theory is definitively disproven. [LAT]

Spanish police have raided what they describe as the "largest and most sophisticated cocaine laboratory" in Europe, arresting 25 people, confiscating 300 kilos of coke, 470 cell phones, plus cash and weapons. But rest easy, European druggies: there's always meow-meow.