With the 2016 Olympics fast approaching in Brazil, a huge stink been made about Rio’s sewage-infested waters, which authorities now admit won’t be cleaned up in time for the games. “Wouldn’t that be nice,” say residents of the Brazilian port of Barcarena, whose beaches are currently covered with thousands of dead, rotting cow carcasses.

For the past few months, a 1500 pound cow has been running loose in upstate New York, and so far, it has evaded every single attempt at capture. This cow is a hero.

Rest in peace, Bessie the Wallsend cow. You were a docile cow, according to one man, and then you were shot dead by a phalanx of British cops with sniper rifles who were backed up by a helicopter and as many as 15 squad cars. You will be missed.

A cow made a glorious escape from an Idaho meatpacking factory this week, only to perish in a hail of police bullets.

The Pittsburgh-area Vale Wood Farms got a special delivery just in time for Steelers Sunday this weekend: A brand new baby calf...with a "7" marked on its face! Farm owner Carissa Itle-Westrick named the lucky calf after Pittsburgh's other famous "7"—accused rapist Ben Roethlisberger.

Months after an escaped steer was shot and killed in the streets of Baltimore, another freedom-seeking bovine died a hero's death in Germany. The cow, later nicknamed Bavaria, fled a Munich slaughterhouse Tuesday and went on a wild rampage through the city, leading police on a high-speed chase towards Oktoberfest and goring a jogger before finally being put down.

Farmer Derek Klingenberg is also a musician, and he's found an unconventional way of calling his heifers in from the fields: He plays them pop songs on his trombone. Here's his performance of Lorde's "Royals" from Sunday morning.

Sad news out of Maryland: This morning, a bull escaped from...somewhere and took off running through the middle Baltimore, where police eventually shot him dead.

The New Jersey legislature is preparing to ban bestiality in this year of our Lord, 2014. State residents, if your thing is dolphins, cows, whatever — the clock's ticking.

A Boeing 747 was forced to make an emergency landing when the 390 cows on board were too hot for the plane to handle. After a fire alarm where the cows were kept started to sound and there was no evidence of smoke, technicians concluded the extremely sexy group of cows were giving off too much heat and set it off.

A jury broke out into laughter on Monday after prosecutors described how a cow rejected the advances of an alleged sheep fucker.

Vegan activists covered the Iowa State Fair's famous butter cow with fake blood (red paint) early Sunday morning. But worry not: the butter cow, which has been a fair tradition since 1911, was quickly repaired, with more butter, and was ready for display again by Monday morning.

A Brazilian man was killed earlier this month when a cow crashed through the roof of his home, crushing him.

Watch this video of a truck full of cows crashing and rolling over in front of oncoming traffic. See how the cows tumble over each other and then quickly get back up? Watch it again. See how the cows try to act all cool and nonchalant? "Nothing to see here," say the cows. "Keep walking."

Police in Grove City, Ohio, a town located about 20 minutes outside of Columbus, Ohio and about 9 hours and 30 minutes outside of New York City and about 36 hours outside of Los Angeles, are on the hunt for a recently escaped 650-pound Black Angus bull calf who made a bid for freedom through a broken fence Monday night.

At a backyard party in Boxford, Massachusetts, last weekend, a half-dozen bovine beer-lovers showed up sans RSVP to partake in the festivities.

I come from a place where the biggest event of the year is a cow parade on Main Street, but I have never seen a Holstein move quite like this. This herd, from a farm in the UK, had just been released from their winter barn. If the music doesn't quite do it for you, please do not worry, because yes, of course I made a remix using "Teach Me How to Dougie":

Food simulacra purveyor McDonald's has announced that it will "take actions" to "phase out" the use of gestational crates—tiny little pens for pregnant pigs that don't allow the pregnant pigs to turn around for four months, fucking them up in all sorts of ways—among the company's pork suppliers. "There are alternatives that we think are better for the welfare of sows," a McDonald's executive said in a statement that was probably a real chuckle for pregnant pigs. "I'll say!" said the tortured pigs with a good-natured laugh.

In today's episode of Gatineau 911, Quebecois law enforcement, lights flashing and sirens blaring, manage to surround a cow wandering around the road in a small community near Ottawa. They then fire at it ten times, all of which was captured on video by horrified onlookers.

In this helmet-cam vid, a Good Samaritan interrupts his motorbike ride around Gautang, South Africa to save a thoughtless calf who had ingested too many shots of Fernet (or whatever cows drink) during the previous night's "Calves' Night Out" festivities and drunkenly wandered into a canal. The biker's rescue mission requires him to head into the bilge water to save the lanky baby—who starts heading in the opposite direction, mostly because he's embarrassed and doesn't want to be filmed—and use some sort of rope to drag it out of the water. When the calf gets fidgety you'll go, "ugh dumb little asshole cow, stop squirming and cooperate," but then you'll see the pathetic look on its face as it's pulled to dry land and go "aw, I can't curse a calf. It's still learning."