CNN, America's Favorite Source of Dumb Guys Reading Twitter Out Loud, has signed conservative blogger Erick Erickson to their "Best Political Team." This is a wonderful hire, as it provides yet another excuse to avoid CNN entirely.

"They're an elitist pestilence," Andrew Breitbart says of liberal Hollywood celebrities in this Wired profile of the conservative internet publisher. And then, after saying that, Andrew went to a Manhattan nightclub to drink Cristal with rich people.

The "principled old conservative is disgusted with Republicans today" column practically writes itself. But this entry from former Congressman Mickey Edwards is frankly baffling. The problem Mickey has with modern conservatives is that they are... too European.

And what are the crazed antisemitic conspiracists of the John Birch Society up to at CPAC? Oh, just hanging out with Rachel Maddow, chatting about fluoridation of our water supply. No biggie. Click for video.

The activists who borrowed Tea Partying from Ron Paul supporters discovered a little document called "The Constitution." And they like what they found. That's why old Republican party hacks will get together to sign a paper at George Washington's house.

The annual Conservative Political Action Conference begins this week in Washington. The movement's leaders will speak and the GOP will plan its strategy. But this year, they're totally getting x-treme. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting "Epic Nights" at the XPAC Lounge.

Remember Jonathan Krohn, the sign language-speaking ape Tween Conservative Pundit? He's 14 now, and still a sad, creepy spectacle. But he's a sad creepy spectacle who is set on going to Princeton!

You know, That Guy: The conservative dude who ranged the quad like a pro-life Socrates, challenging Liberals to another insufferable partial-birth abortion fight? The guy who ruined all your parties; the guy with the... weird posters on his dorm wall.

Very rich Hollywood conservative Dennis Hopper is reportedly on his death bed. So what is his final wish? A divorce from his liberal, younger wife so she won't be able to contest his will. Now that's love.

Enjoy: a disturbing drawing of New York Times campus-conservative Ross Douthat, as Frodo Baggins.

Here comes BigJournalism.com. Drudge protege Andrew Breitbart has just launched his new media site and he's ready for war.

Very, very tanned conservative pundit guy Tucker Carlson will launch his "Conservative HuffPo," to be called "Daily Caller," on January 11. Here is the party invite!

African terrorists are poised to strike America knowing that their Kenyan brother will prevent real Americans from fighting back. Outrageous conservative outrage is our only hope. Today's outrage-off contest of strenuously asserted puzzling sentiments: Mary Matalin vs. Jo-Ann Armao.

Oh, hey, CPAC is coming up. That is the annual conference for dedicated conservatives. And just to prove that the Republican Party is back in a big way, the John Birch society is a 2010 CPAC sponsor!

Obama is collaborating with Tiger Woods' Muslim followers to screw America, for the homosexual movement. The only way to stop the outrage: Outrageous right wing wingnuttery. Today's contestants: Kevin McCullough and Charles Lane.

As if a Muslim president wasn't bad enough, now we have a Cablinasian golfer trying steal the white man's women. It's outrageous. The only solution is outrageously stupid pundit statements. Today: Rush Limbaugh vs. Eugene Robinson. Vote below!

We're a Christian nation with a Muslim president who hates Charlie Brown. It's outrageous. The only solution is more outrage, in the form of outrageous right-wing idiot statements. Today's outrage-off: a Jesus-fearing Tennessee mayor vs. Fox News and News Corp.

"For Christ's Sake," ha: Secular Thanksgiving is over, which means it's time for the Atheist War on Christmas to begin anew.

President Obama's new Afghanistan policy seems like basically the Afghanistan policy he kept promising he'd pursue doing the campaign, so why is everyone so surprised? Unfortunately for America, there is concrete, inescapable proof that it will not work:

Lib bigots are faking climate change and electing a British monkey to the presidency. Only outrageous crypto-conservative statements in the media can save us. Time for your daily outrage-off! Today: Andrew Breitbart vs. Birthers. Vote in the outrage poll below!