Paul Weyrich tried to found the political religious right in the '70s around porn, school prayer, the ERA, and abortion. "I was trying to get these people interested in those issues and I utterly failed," he said. Then he found something that worked: Fighting for racial segregation.

Ever determined to be relevant, racist separatist cattle rancher Cliven Bundy has announced he's leaving the Republican Party to join the Independent American Party, which recently endorsed a "wackaloon" conspiracy theorist and Sandy Hook truther.

Saturday was Armed Forces Day. How did you celebrate? Oh, you didn't know? Neither did Commander-In-Chief Hussein Obummer. He was too busy celebrating International Day Against Homophobia Or Transphobia. That's according to right-wing bloggers. And they'd never steer you wrong! Right?

Conservatives want an exception to a recent federal rule requiring higher pay for fast-food-workers on military bases, because paying Joey 10 bucks an hour to salt the fries will drive BK out of business, and the troops will miss their Whoppers, and why do you hate the troops?

Ted Cruz is an idiot, and the National Review is an idiot enabler:

Amid political pressure over its decisions to put on a "lesbian" play and offer incoming freshmen pro-LGBT readings, an embattled college in the South Carolina public university system has suddenly announced it's closing its gender-studies center.

That dreamy Rand Paul, he's so bold, he came out against Republicans' voter-ID crusade! Oh wait, his spokesman clarifies: "Senator Paul was having a larger discussion about criminal justice reform... At no point did Senator Paul come out against voter ID laws." Courage!

Ann Coulter's bullshit conservative troll game is slipping. In her zeal to land a jab against... Twitter? Michelle Obama? Nigerian schoolgirls?... she opened a door for her detractors, and they jumped through it with a two-leg flying kick of Photoshop fury.

Articulating public policy on the campaign trail is hard, guys. Is Obamacare more like the Holocaust, or like the Nazis and the KKK put together? And if unions are like slavery, that has "no racial connotations," right? Don't worry, conservatives are gonna figure this all out soon.

There's still time for you to vote for the anti-gay marriage ex-drag queen in today's North Carolina GOP primary for Senate. As he puts it: "Regardless of what I did in my twenties—remember to VOTE today—vote conservative and vote after praying." And DANCE after voting. In Lucite platforms!

Seriously, what don't you people get about comparing a government-regulated private-insurance-purchase program with subsidies for workers and the systematic imprisonment and extermination of Jewish humans with trains and ovens and gas chambers?

In all the furor over Tal Fortgang—the privileged white Princeton freshman who wrote so passionately about how he's not a privileged white guy—no one, not even the New York Times, noted that his post was made possible by a conservative group that bankrolls and grooms college kids for right-wing leadership.

There are a lot of tough jobs in journalism. Like last Friday, when Antonio Castelan of News 3 Las Vegas ventured out to the Bundy Ranch to interview the old racist cowman himself, Cliven Bundy, and ended up getting interrogated by a right-wing radio host and 30 of his biggest friends.

A GOP representative and nondenominational minister dismayed over challenges to his state's gay-marriage ban penned a pun-filled letter to his local paper criticizing what he perceives as the health hazards of gay male-on-male sex involving "a one-way alley meant only for the garbage truck to go down."

There is censorship going on at Duke University! Well, it's not that people are... banning speech, exactly. They're just discouraging it. What speech? Oh. Um, telling people "Man up," "That's so gay," and "Don't be a pussy." I know. What will these tyrannical leftist pussies do next?

In his new book, likely 2016 also-ran Rick Santorum exhorts his fellow conservatives to stop using the words "middle class" because "we don't believe there are social or economic classes in America." The book, called "Blue Collar Conservatives," is out today.

A simple, aw-shucks der-der-der cattleman with an arsenal and a drawl has captured the American conservative imagination. And vomited racist bile all over our dreams. But no worries, because he fixed it all with a Thursday afternoon press conference! Hear the man defend himself:

So... conservatives are distancing themselves from that grumpy racist Nevada rancher after his "negroes" rant, right? Not the dim-witted self-important overpaid violent maniac who compared him to Gandhi and Thoreau and now compares him to the dead guys at the Alamo in a new non-apology. But other conservatives, sure.

Wait: Cliven Bundy, the freedom fighter who captured conservative hearts and almost started the Second American Revolution with his gun-toting coterie, is a racist bigot? Say it ain't so!

Jim DeMint, president of the conservative Heritage Foundation and latest spiritual guru of the tea party, told a Christian radio host last week completely un-ironically that "the conscience of the American people" freed the slaves in the 1860's, not "big government."