AdAge's Nat Ives breaks another one:

Well into the second trimester after things got underway, Conde Nast launches the web version of Cookie, its magazine devoted to the care, feeding, and fashion of human larvae. Web editor and good soldier Peter Feld has midwifed a cobbling-together of repurposed magazine content with a couple blogs — one about maternal issues, another chronicling the precious antics of a three-year-old. Forged via the increasingly efficient assembly line at CondeNet, the Cookie site promises more of the same, plus the eventual pro-forma addition of Flash, podcasting, video, and lactation porn. One can dream. The mommy blog spits up a few amusing newsbits regarding comedic child endangerment, with only a little shuddering; the toddler blog is just as good as you'd expect. Beyond that, the CondeNet formula appears to be nicely nailed down, with the magazine staff actually determining what goes online from each issue, and the web staff dutifully carrying water as ordered. Not quite as specious as the old-world subscription-hawking mag sites, but barely.

While scouring the web to search for an appropriate image to accompany our earlier item on Conde Nast chairman Si Newhouse we came across this photo of Si with loveable New Yorker scribe Malcolm Gladwell. We find the Blink author's expression priceless, if somewhat inscrutable. Any guesses as to what's going through his mind?

There has been a succession of CEOs since time immemorial.

Congratulations to Kurt Eichenwald, who moves from covering child porn at the Times to covering luxury porn for Cond Nast's forthcoming Portfolio. Eichenwald marks about the thousandth hire for a publication whose long-gestating debut may coincide with Jesus' return, but we're happy to see that Si's sparing no expense to go after top talent. Best wishes, Kurt; Cond 's going to make you need a whole different kind of counseling.

KURT EICHENWALD NAMED SENIOR WRITER, INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER OF COND NAST PORTFOLIO [Romenesko]

There's something fucktarded in the air! Courtesy of Glamour magazine and DKNY Jeans, it's the Conde Nast chopper, a jet-setting helicopter rented by the companies to make the privileged folks' trek to Fashion Week seem all the more, uh, privileged. In the days leading up to the self-important ecstasy of Bryant Park, passengers have included Mandy Moore, Sheryl Crowe, and new eyeliner advocate Jared Leto. The flight plan is as follows:

As Conde Nast prepares six years in advance for the launch of its newest title, the first among equals business mag Port olio, prospective subscribers everywhere are being assaulted with the magazine's glossy mailer. The one we got our hands on offers one year at $12; whether that's cheap or wildly overpriced remains to be seen. No question, of course, that the marketing department spent a considerable assload on creating the Port olio pitch page. It's a shiny, Branson-laden piece of junkmail measuring about 11x17" — just big enough to make the perfect poster for your cubicle. More Conde propaganda after the jump.

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes — sans Suri, presumably — stop to assist a couple who had just gotten into a car accident. TomKat stayed with the victims and administered E-meter tests until the authorities arrived. [People]
• Paris Hilton and her kosherthug record producer Scott Storch revive "firecrotch," though it's just not the same without a tweaky Brandon Davis. [TMZ]
• Ivanka Trump shames the family by posing on the cover of Stuff. That is, assuming the Trumps even know what shame is. [Us Weekly]
• Diddy plants another seed in girlfriend Kim Porter; the couple is now expecting their second child, who will emerge from the womb covered in white chinchilla. [Page Six]
• Billionaire financier and alleged pervert Jeffrey Epstein had a lot of money, and he liked to spend it on big, fancy things. Or simple massages. [PBP]
• Al Pacino disparages the parenting skills of Beverly D'Angelo, the mother of his twins, because she didn't want their daughter to get stung by a bee. Bitch makes Joan Crawford look weak. [R&M]
• Conde Nast tries to kill Naomi Watts. [Page Six]

• Linday Lohan's late night party habits may get her kicked out of her LA "home," the Chateau Marmont. It's not that the hotel mind the ruckus — they just really want to avoid another Belushi incident. Take it to the Roosevelt, missy. [Page Six]
• As there really is no limit to Britney Spears' stupidity, she's rumored to be renewing her vows with K-Fed and giving him a black AmEx card. It's amazing this girl can wipe her own ass. Or maybe we shouldn't assume. [Scoop]
• Lloyd Grove copies bitchy Conde Nast cafeteria comment cards, makes column of them, goes back to sleep. [Lowdown]
• If you live in Jodie Foster's West Village building, don't ask her for a cup of milk or some sugar, because she'll be a bitch about it. [Page Six]
• Speaking of bitches, Kanye West was a real treat at Lollapalooza. [R&M]
• The wit and wisdom of Flavor Flav. [Us Weekly]
• Diddy hires a hot piece of Kwat as his new manager. [Page Six]

What wonders occur at the doors of 4 Times Square? A spy reports on a magical, holiday moment from yesterday afternoon:

• Newspapers are packaging free CDs with each copy in an attempt to reach younger readers. Because that's what kids are into these days, CDs. This industry deserves to die. [LAT]
• Bloodbath at VNU. Yeah, us either. Apparently they put out Billboard or something. [Mediaweek]
• Cond Nast flack says don't call them a magazine company: "We're a company that provides content." Sure. Related: Gawker Media is not a blog company. We're an organization provides gratuitous use of the word "douchebag." [NYT]
• AOL fuckup. No, not the merger. [Reuters]

• Martha Stewart has settled her civil suit with the SEC for insider trading, forced to pony up only $195K (insignificant pennies to her). Much more bruising is the other part of the agreement, which bars her from serving as CEO or senior official at any publicly-held company for the next 5 years. Including her own Martha Stewart Omnimedia. Nothing in the settlement forbidding a puppet regime... [NYT]
• After all that silly Cocaine Kate crap, model Kate Moss is bigger than ever. See, children? Drugs are good. [Made in Brazil]
• The Economist lurves Fall Out Boy. [FoM]
• Menace II...the Poconos? [AP]
• Calling all Lee Majors fans: unite in the quest to see The Fall Guy on DVD. [Jalopnik]
• We fail to see how a printable map of the celebrity whereabouts is any less life-threatening than our silly map. [NYM]
• Greg Gutfeld on fear. Lots and lots of fear. [HuffPo]
• Blue States Lose, but the European Union loses with a certain je ne sais quoi. [Logged Hours]
• Conde Nast to launch a website called Flip, aimed at "fuelling teenagers' ambition," so that said youth may someday go on to become ruthless, backstabbing Conde assistants. [AdAge]
• Paris Hilton claims that she is going celibate. If a celebutwat shuts her legs when no one's around, does she make a sound? [AP]

Last week, Anthony Marshall was accused of letting his 104-year-old mother, socialite and philanthropist Brooke Astor, run around in tattered nightgowns and sit on a urine-soaked couch, depriving her of heat, money or proper care. Marshall's (very) old resume may provide some context to the terrible situation. If you were wondering what sort of person would so cruelly mistreat his mother, it's the same sort of person who would work at Conde Nast.

In keeping with our ever-vigilant coverage of the children of the ruling class and their enviable entry-level gigs, may we present to you Sara Moonves, daughter of toothy CBS CEO Les Moonves. When you're the spawn of someone that influential, you don't just get a choice internship — you get extra freelance work as well.

OCD dreams can come true: blogger Emdashes has managed to score herself the top two cardigan-wearing New Yorker librarians, Jon Michaud and Erin Overbey, to write her new column, Ask the Librarians (see, this is what happens when your gilded publishing house can't get its online ass in gear — the employees give the content to blogs). When we first heard about this, we were under the impression that it was to be an Ask the New Yorker feature, so we had inquisitive readers come up with some pressing issues deserving of an answer. While librarians aren't quite as exciting as le Gopnik, we're sure they can nonetheless entertain. Right?

Yep, we heard about the sumo rasslers parading around town, half-naked and bulgey. They're a publicity stunt for video streamer Heavy.com. See, the site is called "Heavy," and sumos are heavy! Haw! (Should the plural of sumo also be sumo? Copy desk!) Anyway, an attempt to stage a match inside the Cond Nast cafeteria was scrubbed by security, but other feats of humiliation are set to be staged at media outlets around town. Check FishbowlNY for the full schedule. We welcome further pics and video of the sumo(s) as they become available. Special prize if an identifiable media staffer can be seen in frame with a sumo. Super-special prize if said sumo and staffer are actually wrestling.

• We really ARE overdue for a George Michael assfucking scandal, aren't we? Don't worry, it's about to get much better: the former pop star was caught having a "seedy liason" in a public park with the hot piece of twat pictured at right. 58-year-old unemployed van drivers who live with their cat sure are irresistible, aren't they? [Sun UK]
• Tomorrow Russell Simmons will be named a U.N. Goodwill Ambassador, putting him on the well-worn path to becoming Angelina Jolie. Perhaps he's splitting with Kimora over whether or not to adopt an Ethiopian AIDS orphan. [FishbowlNY]
• You know what's wrong with magazine publishing? The people who are running it, specifically those at the Magazine Publisher's Association who believe a mascot named Captain Read is going to do a goddamned thing other than inspire mockery and ensure irrelevancy. [AdAge]
• Though we wouldn't put it past Simon Dumenco to hook up with Cap'n Read. [AdAge]
• Conde Nast will master these internets yet, even if it means going the route of incredibly boring trade sites. [Craigslist]
• Is somene pushing a Times-ian frenzy surrounding the raising admission fee for the Met? At the current rate, they'll churn out 60 pieces by November, which will almost be enough to satisfy Bill Keller. [Seth Mnookin]
• It doesn't matter how fantastic a "trailer" for a book may be, because it'll never half as good as the trailer for Snakes on a Plane. That's just a fact. [Guardian]
• Greg Gutfeld's still life with Arianna Huffington. [HuffPo]
• Dallas Mavericks bloggy freakshow Mark Cuban has an open job offer for anyone who can think of a new way to market movies. On the downside, you'll be working for Mark Cuban. [Blog Maverick]
• Who Wore It Best? — crotchety Sun Valley mogul edition! [WSJ]
• Why does the Regal Union Square movie theater smell like Chinatown on a simmering July afternoon? [Cinecultist]

WWD, your go-to source for Cond Impostor news, reports that the net is closing:

Making acquisitions one at a time is like juggling just three balls. The real trick is to pull off two deals back-to-back, as Condé Nast just did with Wired News and NutritionData.com (announced today).