Today we learned that some teachers get away with murder. Or at the very least, masturbation. And the fact that this teacher was teaching at a Christian school? Fuggedabouit! It's the perfect crime. One commenter at least, was paying attention during his Sunday school lessons and was able to make a nice little Biblical reference.

Today we learned that it is always a good idea to keep your work email and your personal email separate. Nothing good has ever come from mixing the two, and the sooner former White House chief of staff and current mayor of Chicago Rahm Emanuel learns this, the better.

Today we learned that love is complicated. It's especially complicated if you're a gay penguin in a happy, healthy partnership and you're forced to do it with a lady penguin. Therapy for years! Or maybe Buddy and Pedro should consider their legal rights.

Today we learned that Occupy Wall Street is one collective petri dish. Whether it's the flu or tuberculosis, there's no denying that protesters in both New York and Atlanta are coming down with something gross. While cold temperatures and disgusting living conditions are probably to blame, one commenter smells a rat. Or rather, a Fox!

There are many awful things that should await criminals: years in jail, solitary confinement, public humiliation, possibly execution (if you believe in that kind of thing), and rotting for eternity in hell (if you believe that kind of thing). But there is one that I'm sick of hearing about: prison rape.

You know what's more awesome than rabbit orgies? Commenting orgies—like the one we hold here each week when we watch Top Chef and live-blog it together! Our next bacchanal of banter is about to begin, so join us!

Today we learned that director Darren Aronofsky and his dark little mind are most effective when used to create public service announcements. One commenter came forward as the star of one such PSA:

Today we learned that there are many, many things that can go wrong during sex. Many more than 13! But sometimes we get so wrapped up in the article at hand that we completely miss the image that accompanies the post. One commenter demanded that we take a closer look.

Have you ever suffered some tragedy and screamed out loud, "Why, God? Why?" Finally you'll get a chance to ask him in person, or at least over the internet. And he'll answer! The Almighty himself will be here in the comments of this post, taking your questions.

Today we learned...well actually, we're still not quite sure what we learned from this image of Michelle Obama and Bubble Man John Cassidy today, but it made for a perfect impromptu caption contest. One commenter, though, blew the rest away.

Today we learned that Texas Rep. Larry Taylor is no friend of the Jews. While it is definitely not okay for anyone, let alone a public figure with a moderate amount of power to be making these kind of comments, at least good ol' Lar realized his mistake and feigned some backpedaling. This was not the case for one commenter and a very educated co-worker.

We didn't execute any commenters last week. (Sorry, I was out of the office.) But that's the thing about the banhammer: You never know where or when it's going to drop. Who will get it this week?

Today we were saddened by the news that Hollywood's days are numbered. Ryan Seacrest, a renowned lover of vaginas the world over, is in talks to produce a film. The entertainment industry is simply not built for such a horror show and Hollywood will burn straight to the ground. But what will Hollywood's last flick be about? And who will star in it? One commenter has seen a spec script.

What's hotter than a habenero pepper stuffed with chopped jalapeño? The hot time Gawker commenters have live-blogging Top Chef together! A new Texas-themed season kicks off tonight, so why not saddle up and join us in the comments?

Today we learned that Julian Assange, everyone's favorite long-haired leaker, was denied appeal against extradition to Sweden. This is very bad news for Julian because it is in Sweden that he faces those sexual assault charges he's been trying to wriggle and writhe his way out of. One commenter eloquently captured his life in a single stanza.

Today we learned of some unfortunate news: Ben Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel, football fanatics and King and Queen of the college Greek system, have parted ways. But how does a two-year marriage between two such quirky creatures come to an end? One commenter was there when the split happened.

We asked for pictures of your Halloween costumes and boy did you guys deliver. Sure, there were a few silly entries (like "dead Steve Jobs"), but many of them were outstanding. And yet there can only be one winner!

Think hard, because this is important: Have you ever called anyone a moronic sack of monkey pus in a Facebook-powered web comment? Because Google has just begun indexing those comments for the first time. In other words, your troll resumé just merged with your Google persona. How exciting.

Today we learned that the shock of hair that is Rick Perry is "a doer, not a talker"! Ah, the power and resonance of that phrase. It is only a matter of time before those immortal words wind up etched into the side of the McDonald's by your house. But what, we wonder, is it like to watch a genius at work? One commenter was privy to Rick's process.

Between all the fun you had in your costumes this weekend and the big news about Kim Kardashian, it's easy to forget that today is actually Halloween. Let's celebrate the best way we know how: with a costume contest and a cash prize!