Today we learned that some Mormons are prudes, particularly those wrathful BYU co-eds fighting tooth and nail to keep skinny jeans illegal. Perhaps it isn't a moral thing, but actually a Freshman Fifteen thing that has them tossing their denim onto a smoldering ban fire. One commenter sets the scene for us with some BYU fanfic.
Today you all learned that we here at Gawker are looking for a trio of slaves to spend their days with us in terrible, seemingly endless servitude. Who among you is up for such a task? According to one commenter, we should immediately disqualify the eight Horsemen of the Apocalypse you see pictured below.
Today we learned that no affair, no matter how sordid the details or how scandalous the pair involved, is impervious to Facebook. We also learned that you better not cross Devorah Rose because she will sell you right on down that murky media river. And if you do plan on crossing the shriek monster that is she, make sure to burn down the internet immediately after to get rid of the evidence. One commenter sent us a screen shot of their Facebook dealings. The transcribed version is below.
Today we learned that Neil Patrick Harris is officially the most popular golden charmboy America has ever seen. And he's looking to solidify this well-earned title by scootin' on over next to red washing machine lady, Kelly Ripa to take Regis' place. One commenter thinks NPH should skip daytime TV and head for the Oval Office instead.
Today we learned that poor Morgan Stanley has, for the first time in its rich and miserable little life, become the big girl at prom that nobody wants to dance with. As far as recruiting goes, Wall Street has been relegated to a deep dark corner of the uncool-niverse. It has become your Teva sporting, fanny pack wearing, fart joke making dad. And none of the pretty Yalies want to hang! What other comparisons can we make here? One commenter knows:
Today we learned a thing or two about the big shots on Wall Street and the big shot secrets they tote around with them. For the vast majority of us—some percentage I can't quite put my 99 fingers on—Wall Street is a big ol' bubbling vat of green mysteries. One commenter gives us a pretty good look inside the life of a Dub-Streeter (and you're welcome because that is a label that will certainly catch and spread like wild fire).
Today we learned that Pippa Middleton is a downright hussy! Alright, maybe not a hussy per se, but she was seen out and about at the same event with two strapping young lads. But like her sister, Pippa will only git wit the bluest of the blue bloods. One commenter knows just how posh and aristorcrat-y a Middleton suitor ought be.
Just like the Macy's parade, horribly dry stuffing, and your aunt Joyce drunkenly yelling that she got bilked out of money after grandma died, our Thanksgiving Horror Story contest has become something of an annual tradition. So, please come and leave yours and let's all share the horror together.
Today we learned that everyone needs a song that plays just for them when they walk into a room. We also learned that you don't always get to chose that song and sometimes it's just gifted to you. Such was the case with Michele Bachmann and her new theme song, "Lyin' Ass Bitch." Not to leave anyone out, some commenters took it upon themselves to assign songs to some of the other Republican candidates.
Today we learned that our favorite college English lit professor was just in it for the money! Or rather, for the opportunity to research, write and publish. All those college professors never cared about us at all! Oh, the heartbreak. One commenter put his English education to use in a convenient little explanation:
Today we were exposed to some excellent literature—literature in the form of Muffie Potter Aston's diary. Tres chic! While we learned all about the various Birkin bags dear Muffykins owns, we were not told what the good lady keeps inside her leather year-of-tuition-at-a-good-college-with-straps. One commenter has the scoop!
There's a concept that applies to many reality television show fights that I wish the people on reality shows would embrace: both wrong. Sometimes people on both sides of a fight can be wrong. And for that, both should be punished.
Today we learned that Rick Perry, everybody's favorite bumbling bumpkin from Texas, is not quite done making a fool of hisself. Fortunately for Perry, he has a frantic team of PR people waiting in the wings to apologize for his inevitable mishaps. One commenter was kind enough to send us today's statement:
