It's that time of year when institutions of higher learning heartlessly eject their seniors into the real world! Princeton grads were treated to the best speech of the season; Stephen Colbert delivered a zinger-filled address (above) in which he wisely reminded grads that "no one will ever, ever want to hear you sing a capella" outside college. How true. But plenty of other colleges tapped A through Z-list celebs to brace their soon-to-be-discharged students for entry into the workforce.

Eva Longoria showed up to the CFDA awards last night in a curve-hugging hot pink Diane von Furstenberg cocktail dress, although whether she a) looked bloated; b) was totally pregnant; or c) was "pert" and "mesmerizing" seems to depends on who you ask. The Daily News concluded she was with child and started disseminating the news accordingly. (Their only evidence: an unflattering pic of her midsection.) The Sun said Longoria "stole the show," looked "stunning," and "transformed her pert boobs into a truly mesmerizing cleavage." E!'s Fashion Police called it an atrocity: "Like a mangled car parked in front of your school before prom, Eva’s disaster reminds us there are certain colors, styles and shoe pairings we should never replicate." Guess that applies to your hot pink dress, too, Tory.

Looking to score some miracle fruit, the makes-everything-taste-sweet wonder food that everyone's been talking about since that widely-emailed Times article came out last week? There's a new service called Miracle Connect that will get you them efficiently and free of shipping. For $3 to $4 a berry. [NYM]

Apparently, only chumps buy new private jets. Used models are all the rage, selling for $4 million to $5 million more than their mint counterparts. Why? Who on earth has time to wait a decade for a G450? Impatient Kuwaiti and Russian fat cats certainly don't. And so a lucrative new business of "jet flipping" has emerged. [WSJ]

Dealbreaker reports the portrait of Jimmy Cayne—the one with nearly 200 bitter comments from ex-Bear Stearns employees—was sold to a former employee for $12,000, or "his entire severance package," as one commenter suggests. [Dealbreaker]

• Esquire's editor-in-chief David Granger says he never got a call from Bill Clinton, as the former president suggested in his comments last night when he was asked to respond to the incendiary Vanity Fair story by Todd Purdum. Turns out it was a measly staff editor who emailed. [Politico]

Erstwhile art dealer Larry Salander, whose gallery imploded last winter as a result of his extremely shady business practices, continues his plummet into disgrace: now people are underpaying for the carpets his creditors seized from him! As part of the liquidation of his estate, 300 of his antique carpets went up for auction at Tepper Galleries on East 25th Street on Friday. It was a bargain-hunter's dream: A social worker from Williamsburg walked away with a lovely 7-by-8 number with brown and ivory rosettes, and most lots sold for well below the bottom limit of their presale estimate. Looking to peck at the carcass of Salander's fortune yourself? His furniture and garden statuary is being auctioned off at Stair Galleries in Hudson, New York on June 7th.

Kohlberg Kravis Roberts & Co. partner Marc Lipschultz has paid $21.5 million for an apartment at 1060 Fifth Avenue—the tony building that George Soros and hedge funder Scott Bommer call home—according to property records just posted today. The third floor, 15-room co-op features five bedrooms, a butler's pantry, and Central Park views. The apartment's floorplan after the jump.

Hillary will concede this evening "that Barack Obama has the delegates to secure the Democratic nomination" but "will not concede the nomination." So it's over. But not totally. [AP]

It's a sad day for people who habitually kill time by trying out vibrating chairs they have no intention of buying. Sharper Image, the hottest store of 1996, which filed Chapter 11 in February, is pulling the plug on its remaining stores; it'll be a catalog and online-only operation from here on out. Among the victims of the Sharper slaughter is the New York City flagship on West 57th Street, a block that's been purging middlebrow stores in favor of ritzier retailers of late. So you can rest assured that the emporium of foam pillows, handheld Shiatsu foot massagers, and electronic chess boards will be replaced by a jewelry store that only Euro-armed tourists can afford.

Notorious douchebag Jeremy Abelson is back with another lame singles event. Better known by his alter-ego, Richard Nouveau, Abelson is the man behind Pocket Change NYC, the site responsible for coordinating a bunch of stupid dating events/publicity stunts over the past couple of years, including Natural Selection Speed Dating II, which was restricted to "sugar mamas" with more than $4 million in assets. (The first iteration was only open to men who made more than $500K a year, which Neel Shah memorably crashed.) That Abelson's events seem to attract perverts (hello Paul Janka!) hasn't put a damper on his ability to stir up press: The greasy wannabe has made appearances on The Early Show and Dr. Phil, describing luxuries that Abelson has only sampled because of the publicity he can generate, not because he can actually afford any of it. (The Ferrari he's sitting in above? Borrowed from Gotham Dream Cars.) But his latest stunt, scheduled for June 5th, looks like it's already in trouble!

• Lehman Brothers is reportedly looking to raise capital (yet again) to shore up its balance sheet. The grim news sent the stock down 8% this morning, and likely ruined Dickie Fuld and Erin Callan's day. [WSJ, AP]

Diminutive empire builder Ashley Olsen is becoming dangerously ubiquitous. In just the past few days she's been papped with her new beau, actor Justin Bartha (Lydia Hearst's ex), announced the launch of a new jewelry line, attended the CFDA awards (left!), and hosted a party at Book Expo America (imagine the trauma of mixing with those unstylish publishing industry drones!) for her coffee table book. Yes, Ashley and her sis will be releasing a book called Influence in October, which will feature Ashley and Mary-Kate's interviews with people like Karl Lagerfeld, Lauren Hutton, Diane von Furstenberg and Margherita Missoni. We're guessing the cover of the book will be a little less pink than the one they used for their "official biography" from 2000.

O, munificent Howard Schultz: starting today, Starbucks is offering free WiFi! The only problem is, the "free" WiFi has more strings attached to it than a tennis racquet. First, you have to buy a Starbucks card, which has to have a minimum of five bucks on it. Ready to log on and read nytimes.com while sipping your tall skim Cinnamon Dolce Latte with foam? Not so fast. Before you do so you have to register online for the Starbucks Rewards Program. Going forward, if you want to keep your free WiFi, you're going to have to use that Starbucks card at least once a month, otherwise it's voided. Oh, and you can't even squirrel away your time: Each purchase earns you two free hours, which you'll have to blow in one sitting. So it's kind of useless. But the timing worked out nicely! Mayor Bloomberg just proclaimed this to be Internet week in New York, "a weeklong festival of events saluting New York’s thriving Internet industry and the many talented companies, organizations and innovators creating the future of online media!"

Adopting a photogenic little African child can do wonders for an actress's image. Just ask Madonna, or Angelina, or even Mary-Louise Parker. But supposing you're a little young to be a mother, yet still want to be seen as a serious, politically engaged save-the-world type? Natalie Portman—or her canny managers—have the answer: You involve yourself with a high-profile project to help Rwandan orphans!

The city's most spoiled high school seniors are getting ready to par-tay tonight. Six single-sex, blue-chip private schools—Collegiate, Browning, Brearley, Hewitt, Spence, and Nightingale-Bamford—will hold their group prom tonight in the fittingly hoity-toity location of the Waldorf-Astoria's Starlight Room. The Sun has the color on the event, and also takes the occassion to delineate all the ways Rich Manhattan Private School Proms differ from mere Middle-Income Suburban Public School proms. There are tons of them, it turns out!

Bolat Nazarbayev, the oil-rich brother of the president of Kazakhstan, is paying $19.83 million for an apartment on the 18th floor of the Plaza. The building is firmly cementing its position as a haven for the bizarre, what with its cast of oligarchs, disgraced financiers, fallen real estate moguls, and plastic surgery victims. [NY Post]

• Party mom Dina Lohan better show up at her divorce court hearing this morning, or she'll be subject to "immediate arrest and imprisonment." Her ex, Michael Lohan, has reopened their contentious divorce case with new charges that she's drunk around their kids, and fails to show up to court-ordered visitations. Oh, and she wouldn't let him babysit his daughter's puppy. [Rush & Molloy]

"An article on Saturday about attorneys general from 10 states asking the California Supreme Court to stay its decision legalizing same-sex marriages misstated the given name of the governor of New York, who last week ordered state agencies to recognize same-sex marriages performed elsewhere. He is David A. Paterson, not James." [NY Times]

Last night the 26th CFDA Awards were held at the New York Public Library, MC'd by Fran Lebowitz and hosted by CFDA chairman Diane Von Furstenberg, who, like many attendees, wore YSL in tribute to the late designer. The big winners? Calvin Klein designer Francisco Costa was presented the award for womenswear by Maggie Gyllenhaal (in Jack McCollough and Lazaro Hernandez's Proenza Schouler), Victoria Beckham (in Marc Jacobs) and Eva Mendes (in Calvin Klein). Kim Cattrall presented the award for menswear to Tom Ford.