Louis Caldera, who heads up the White House's Military Office is apologizing for freaking everyone out earlier when that plane swooped over New York City. "I apologize and take responsibility for any distress that flight caused." [Politico]

Does drunkenness increase men's propensity to hit on underage girls? That was the sordidly significant question posed by a couple of research psychologists, whose mothers must be so proud. The study set out to discover, using digitally manipulated photos of female faces, whether beer goggles made young girls seem more attractive, and the good news is that no, they didn't particularly. The bad news? 15-year-olds were deemed more appealing than 19-year-olds regardless of whether participants were drunk or sober. As women everywhere sigh with resignation, the multi-billion dollar wrinkle cream industry cackles and bumps up its prices. [Time]

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Peter Arnell can't seem to catch a break these days. Earlier this year, the advertising mogul and "brand expert" was widely mocked for blowing millions on a silly, new logo Pepsi. Just weeks later, his decision to change Tropicana's packaging turned into an epic disaster, causing thousands of consumers to cry foul and sending sales plummeting by 20 percent. Now he has another more defeat to add to his list. HarperCollins just won a lawsuit against Arnell and he'll now have to write the publishing house a check for $100,000.

• More on the decision by Condé Nast to shut down Portfolio. [NYO, Gawker]
• Newspaper circulation figures for the past six months show steep declines at most major papers, including the Times, Post, and Daily News. One bright spot: the Wall Street Journal, which experienced a tiny, 0.6% gain. [E&P]
• Phil Falcone's Harbinger, the hedge fund that battled for a piece of the New York Times Co. last year, may now be looking to unload its stake. [WSJ]
• CNN has fallen behind MSNBC and Fox News, as you may have heard. [NYT]
• PRWeek is going monthly. But it'll still be called PRWeek, so you know. [NYT]
• Obsessed starring Beyonce was No. 1 at the box office this weekend. [THR]

The trial of Brooke Astor's son kicked off this morning with prosecutors arguing that Anthony Marshall was a liar and a thief who'd conspired to steal $200 million from his ailing mother. More importantly, the prosecution indicated that some 60 witnesses could be called to testify—including Barbara Walters, Henry Kissinger, Annette de la Renta, David Rockefeller, former UN secretary general Kofi Annan, New York Public Library head Paul LeClerc, and former Met chief Philippe de Montebello—so there should be plenty of material to keep up the public's attention for what is expected to be a three-month trial. [NYDN, NYP]

It turns out that plane that flew low over Manhattan this morning was just President Obama's back-up plane; it was on a mission so that Air Force photographers could take pictures of Lower Manhattan. Officials in Washington say they informed City Hall and the NYPD about the plan in advance, although the NYPD now says it was prohibited from alerting the public. So, as a result, everyone who saw the plane freaked out, several office buildings were evacuated, and nervous traders sent the stock market plunging for several minutes until they found out that it wasn't a terrorist attack. Sure hope the photos were worth it! [NYT/CityRoom]

Did you know that Michael Wolff's unknown, third-rate website is "the fastest growing news site in the country"? Did you know it's putting the New York Times out of business? We sure didn't, and while we have our doubts about the continued survival of the Times, too, we're pretty sure the last thing Arthur Sulzberger Jr. worries about before he goes to sleep at night is the fifth failed media company that Michael Wolff has started over the past two decades. But it is nice to hear him talk about his company's unique ability to take an "incredibly long, incredibly gassy" Times story that's 1,200 words and reduce it to 65-120 words without losing "a thing." Perhaps next Wolff could kindly take his gassy 3,300-word columns for Vanity Fair and reduce them, too? Considering that amid all the gassiness, Wolff rarely has a point to make, a five or ten-word sentence should suffice. A clip from Wolff's appearance on CNBC on Friday night after the jump.

Kelly Ripa carrying son Joaquin ... Anne Hathaway walking downtown with boyfriend Adam Shulman, and later taking her dog for a walk ... Beyoncé arriving at JFK ... Uma Thurman eating ice cream with son Levon and a friend in Midtown ... Mary-Kate Olsen riding a bike in the East Village with Nate Lowman ... Kim Kardashian looking like a tourist in Soho, and later getting a pedicure at a nail salon ... Katie Holmes standing on a sidewalk on the Lower East Side ... Elizabeth Hurley and husband Arun Nayar glaring at another couple on Madison Avenue ... Whitney Port walking in Soho ... Russell Crowe leaving his hotel ... Lindsay Price talking on her cell in the West Village ... Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson holding hands in Soho ... and Naomi Watts standing under an umbrella on a movie set in Brooklyn.

The stories we recounted last week about the abusive working conditions at the estate of Nelson Peltz (see here and here) weren't the first complaints directed at the billionaire investor. Last month, James Turowski, who says he worked as a bodyguard and chauffeur for Peltz, filed a discrimination lawsuit against his employer. Turowski says he was working for the Peltzes when he sustained a serious head injury, and he ultimately had to be hospitalized for several weeks as a result. When he returned to work, however, he was almost immediately fired, a violation, he claims, of city and state employment laws as well as the Americans with Disabilities Act. Last week, Peltz's attorneys filed papers to move the case from state court to federal court. But Peltz's legal team may have more on its plate in the near future. We hear several former employees of his estate are now looking into filing a class action suit over the treatment they received working at Peltz's Westchester mansion. In the meantime, you'll find Turowski's suit after the jump.

A couple of weeks ago, we reported on a lawsuit filed by Jim Ricobene, who claims that a debt collection agency hired by JPMorgan Chase had harassed his daughter on MySpace in their efforts to collect on an unpaid loan. The debt collector is now denying the charge and vowing to file a countersuit. James Papadopoulos of TechSpank has an update on the case, if you're interested. [Techspank, previously]

Is that the first murmur of a rebellion against Michelle Obama's fashion icon status? The first lady, widely admired for her cutting edge style, reportedly insisted upon deciding the looks for all of her magazine covers, even Vogue, for which she chose her own dress and used her own hair and make-up people. But if Anna Wintour was frustrated by such control freakery, she was too diplomatic to say so, unlike More editor-in-chief Lesley Jane Seymour, from whom Michelle also point-blank refused any input: "We were like, 'Excuse me, we tell you what to wear." She wanted none of that. She was creating the cover. She was creating the image. There's definitely a will of steel there." For God's sake, no one tell celebrities that such behavior might be permitted, or there'll be mutiny! Well, for the few months that print magazines continue to exist, anyway.

• Irish investor Derek Quinlan, who paid $26.25 million for the townhouse at 20 East 64th Street in 2006, and then later put it up for rent for $90,000-a-month, has now put the home up for sale with Dolly Lenz and Monique Silberman for $37 million. [Cityfile, PDE]
• CBS newsman Charles Osgood and his wife Jean have put their 5,100-square-foot apartment at the Osbourne at 205 West 57th Street on the market for $7.9 million. [NYT, Sotheby's]

WWD confirms the news that Condé Nast is folding Portfolio. The magazine's May issue will be its last. [WWD]

New York Times columnist Nick Kristof turns 50 today. Newark Mayor Cory Booker is turning 40. Basil Paterson, the labor lawyer and father of Gov. David Paterson, is 83. City Council member Eric Gioia turns 36. New-York Historical Society president Louise Mirrer is turning 56. Investment banker Eric Gleacher is 69. Actor Jack Klugman is 87. Fall Out Boy's Patrick Stump turns 25. Radio personality Casey Kasem is turning 77. And singer Sheena Easton celebrates her 50th today.

Last year, MTV looked into doing a reality show with Tinsley Mortimer, but the show was ultimately shelved, reportedly because the Tinz wasn't the most scintillating presence on screen: "She looked good, but she just got dressed and went to parties every day and didn't have anything interesting to say. It was incredibly boring," an MTV insider told Page Six at the time. Perhaps she'll have better luck this time around.

• Is Madonna leaning on her friends to hire boy-toy Jesus Luz so he can remain in the country legally? It's possible! [P6]
• Tyra Banks is expected to take the stand this week at the trial of the man accused of stalking her and threatening her staff. [NYDN, NYP]
• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are sending their attorneys after the couple's former bodyguard to ensure he doesn't write a tell-all about life in the Brangelina home. [NYDN]
• Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault had a second wedding in Venice this weekend; guests on hand for the occasion included Anna Wintour, Ed Norton, Stella McCartney, Bono, Charlize Theron, Woody Harrelson, Lucy Liu, Penelope Cruz, and Javier Bardem. [NYDN, People]
• Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt tied the knot this weekend, too, although the event featured fewer A-listers and many more MTV cameras. [People]

• John Thain is striking back at Bank of America in an effort "to restore his sullied reputation," and accusing BofA's CEO, Ken Lewis, of lying. [WSJ]
• Thanks to rising profits, employees at several banks are on track to earn as much money this year as they did before the financial crisis. [NYT]
• UBS's head of investment banking, Jerker Johansson, is stepping down. [DB]
• Steve Rattner caught a break on Friday when Quadrangle Group investors decided not to shut down his scandal-plagued fund. [NYT, NYP]

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• After 115 weeks in business, Jeffrey Chodorow's Kobe Club closes its doors tomorrow night. The Miami outpost is probably history, too. [Eater]
• One of the two Starbucks in Astor Place is closing tomorrow. [Eater]
• A roundup of places that just opened, or will be open next week. [TONY]
• Charlie Palmer is giving away bottles to vino in honor of Aureole's 20th. [GS]
• The Minetta Tavern's "preferred-customer line" is sort of useless, FYI. [GS]
• Rise, the rooftop bar at the Ritz in Battery Park City, has closed. [Zagat]
• Sangria and lobster salad was on Padma's mind on Today today. [TFB]