There's less than a week left until Christmas. Have you finished your Christmas shopping yet? Have you started your Christmas shopping yet? No? Cool, you sound like a mature adult, navigating your sleigh through the holiday fog with ease.

Christmas cards—if they possess any utility other than excuses for networking or sleeves for staged photos and obnoxious form-letters about little Allen's success on the soccer field and getting over his chronic butt cyst—act as a kind of benchmark. Buying a box and sending some out makes you feel like you've stepped into an adult world. You have an address book. You buy stamps in bulk. You now acknowledge calendar events days before they happen.

We all know that sex sells — but how about sexy funeral home employees dressed in skimpy two-piece Santa outfits?

Every December, thousands of people convince themselves that, because they have been to a holiday party, they are capable of hosting a holiday party.

Samuel L. Jackson and Anne Hathaway both have bleak dramatic movies coming out this Christmas (Django Unchained and Les Misérables, respectively), and you know what that means: It's time for a good ol' fashioned holiday movie sad-off.

This year's Kardashian family Kristmas Kard takes, as its theme, a lesson in quantum physics.

The Christmas party for AutoAlliance Thailand really had it all: Bottle throwing, gun shots and homemade hand grenades. It all started peacefully enough; the company's 4,000 person staff gathered at a restaurant in Chonburi, roughly 60 miles south of Bangkok, for a night full of holiday cheer and prizes.

McDonald's, a machine for turning cow fat into money, is really into America, Christmas, Kwanzaa, holidays, whatever the fuck, assuming those holidays are celebrated at a McDonald's restaurant, or sitting in a parked car in a McDonald's parking lot, forcing down McDonald's food as tears stream down your face. All you have to do is to look at McDonald's advertisements to realize that McDonald's has the utmost respect for family, togetherness, happiness, America, freedom, blah blah buy some french fries. McDonald's would open a location at your mother's funeral if it thought it could sell one additional Filet-O-Fish.

It is around this time of year that Victoria's Secret reveals its Christmas commercial, and while it cannot compare to the campy glory of other, vaguely incestuous holiday ads, it still merits careful analysis.

Here's a picture taken outside of 13th Step, an East Village bar which was named one of Complex's "25 Douchiest NYC Bars" last year.

The best thing about celebrities is that as long as at some point some charity somewhere gets money, they can still be bought and sold like common chattel. This is especially convenient around the holidays, when the awkward rich, flush with cash and scant of social skills, start itching to give one another elaborate gifts.

If a stranger came up to you, asked you if you liked mistletoe, and then pointed to some — as happens here — would you kiss them? Or slap them? [via Reddit]

As of today, Christmas is only two weeks away, which means that we only have 54 more shopping weeks until next Christmas.

When Random House employees gather around the Christmas goose this year, they will all join hands with their families, and say a little thank you prayer to the kinky housewives of America. Because the Twilight fan fiction posing as beginner erotica sold so well this year, all of the publishing house's employees are getting a big holiday bonus — $5,000, in fact.

The one and only Bill Murray demonstrated why there couldn't possibly be another one like him with a Late Show entrance that only he could pull off.

San Diego real estate mogul Marc Paskin is looking for love in a very unusual place: A highway billboard overlooking the 28th Street exit of the I-5.

Last night's American Horror Story went where even 1984's notorious, depraved and once-protested Santa slasher Silent Night, Deadly Night wouldn't: It featured a man in a Santa costume assaulting a nun, punching and whipping her in the ultimate S&M roleplay of secular and religious reasons for the season. The full scene, in which Deadwood's Ian McShane plays a maniac exacting his revenge to Jessica Lange's Sister Jude for keeping him in solitary confinement, is above. Usually American Horror Story, which is so fucking great and trashy this season, merely goes over the top: here it goes over the top and through the chimney.

Last week, a kindergarten teacher at Austin's Pease Elementary School ("the oldest continuously operating school in the state of Texas," nbd) ruined Christmas for her five-year-old students in a particularly dick-ish manner.

The sight of a reunited John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John flash-frozen like a pair of extra-creepy BigSmile mannequins on the cover of their new holiday album may have been enough to spoil your Christmas spirit in perpetuity, but seeing the duo in motion could very well put an end to joy as we know it.

Wondering what to get the person who has everything? Why not one of these lovely calendars from dental supply company Practicon? Each month is accompanied by a photo of Practicon's dental mannequins, dressed up and having fun. It's heartwarming — and completely and utterly terrifying.