Move over "Jingle Bells" — there's a new traditional holiday tune in town: DMX's rendition of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

Since moving to Meridian, Idaho, in 2005, Zachary Cadger and his family have been the bane of the HOA with their increasingly seizure-inducing Christmas light shows that grow in wattage with every year of our Lord.

Fans of David Sedaris will know that Christmas in Europe can get weird. And this Christmas boys will be boys but also girls will be boys.

For those who don't know, Gwyneth Paltrow, the world's most perfect human and Beyonce's best friend, has a newsletter called Goop. It's filled with insight on how to be perfect and live your life exactly how the mother of two children named Apple and Moses lives her life.

The day after Thanksgiving is the traditional start to the Christmas season, when celebrants everywhere put up traditional Christmas decorations, sing traditional Christmas carols, and hunker down for the yearly reading of the traditional incest-themed fan fiction based on a two-minute Folger's commercial.

The holidays couldn't come sooner for the nation's Republicans, who just suffered a devastating repudiation of everything they hold dear and are in the process of confronting the fact that the America they loved so much is now mostly brown and gay. What can you get them to cheer them up and help them along the inevitable journey to socialism?

"It was pretty despicable that someone, during this time of the year, would tell kids Santa isn't real - which of course we would argue," Const. Steve Koopman of the Kingston Police said about the 24-year-old man arrested on Saturday during the Eastern Ontario city's annual Santa Claus Parade.

A mall Santa in Reading had to be rescued by a member of the British Army after his beard got caught in the rope during an abseiling stunt gone wrong.

When a preschool teacher in Ohio decided to replace all the toys and learning materials in the class with cardboard boxes and other raw materials, he expected some grumbling from his three-year-old students.

Last night, OWN aired a special called Oprah's Favorite Things 2012, in which the former Queen of the Senses/cable mogul ended up giving away a whole bunch of expensive junk to military spouses. The format of the two-hour episode married the behind-the-scenes format Oprah prefers to show herself in on her network and the gifting format of an annual Favorite Things episode of her former talk show. This meant we got to see the entire Favorite Things process from conception to realization.

Every year in the United States and parts of Europe, the Khristmas season kicks off with the release of the Kardashian family publicity still.

Behold: The cover for This Christmas, the upcoming joint holiday album from the reupholstered pods that once held the souls of former onscreen lovers John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. It looks like they're having a hot-cocoa-and-gift-wrapping party, how neat.

The National Christmas Tree planted near the White House one year ago has already died because you didn't love it enough.

What does it take to be the most obnoxious Christmas letter ever? An unbelievable level of smugness, yes, but also bragging about "a meal that costs the same as a Nissan Sentra," probably. From the tipster who sent this in:

It's the end of the year, which means that it's time for Greek Orthodox clergymen and Armenian Orthodox clergymen to come together in order to "[scream] at each other and beat each other with broomsticks" during their annual cleaning of the Church of Nativity, where Jesus was born. As Jesus said, "If an adherent of a Christian sect with exceedingly minor theological or geographic differences crosseth into thine half of my birthplace whilst engaged in the very same charitable task as thou, thou must smite him with your broom."

We asked you to share pictures of your worst Christmas presents, and boy did you guys deliver! There were the usual passive aggressive doozies of getting books about weight loss, but there were plenty that were even more thoughtless and more creative. Here are the best of the worst.

If you give someone Ron Paul's book Liberty Defined for Christmas, hopefully that person specifically requested it? Because here we have some gal reading a line about Israel being an "apartheid state," and crying. Oh well, you tried. But it would be best to resume giving her the newest editions of The Best Bland Bathroom Reading for People Who've Never Left Their Bathrooms starting next year.

It's easy to turn into an asshole during the holidays. Alcohol, sugar, caffeine, bad weather, enforced cheer, cramped quarters filled with god damned loved ones and awful Christmas music - everything conspires to piss you off. So bear that in mind as you judge these horribly entitled tweets from spoiled jerks who didn't get the expensive Christmas gifts they asked for.

They put up a nativity scene there, in the Holy Land, Ohio, and can you guess what happened? The resurrection, of Jesus, of course.

"Police were looking for a motive in a shooting in which they believe a man dressed as Santa Claus killed six family members in a Fort Worth, Texas, suburb on Christmas day before shooting himself." It's not known whether this is connected to Santa's string of roofie attacks in Germany.