• Did Uma Thurman and Arki Busson get secretly married during their engagement party earlier this month? If so, does that mean the European vacation they're on right now is really a honeymoon? [Page Six]

The Christie Brinkley-Peter Cook divorce case came up today on The View today, but Barbara Walters had a hard time describing what it was Peter Cook was exactly doing on the internet that got him in trouble. Walters' attempts to avoid the word "masturbate" below.

• Cynthia Rodriguez thinks her husband hired private investigators to spy on her and tap her phones, and now she wants his lawyers to hand over whatever they found. [NYP]

• Jose Canseco says Madonna once tried to marry him and have his baby, so she could give daughter Lourdes a Cuban sibling with great genes. He joins Dennis Rodman on the would-be Madonna baby-daddy list. [NYDN]

Dan Barry's Times profile of Billy Joel takes the usual tack: Despite the singer's massive and enduring success, bottomless wealth and wife 30 years his junior, he's just an insecure schlub from Long Island who worries about what people think of him:

Just five days into the courtroom drama and the Christie Brinkley-Peter Cook divorce case is already over! As the tabloids mourn what could have been a perfect story for the doldrums of August, Christie can take heart in the fact she'll be getting sole custody of the kids and full ownership of the couple's homes. (She's still selling the Bridgehampton the couple once occupied.) She's also keeping their boat, Sweet Freedom. As for Peter? He gets $2.1 million, which should just about cover his legal fees. [NYP]

• After weeks of battling in court, Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook negotiated a "surprise" settlement last night, which they announced at 6 AM this morning. Many of the details are still fuzzy—they'll explain more when they get to court this morning—but custody will likely stay as is, and Christie will likely retain ownership of most of the couple's properties. [NYP]

Everything that's old is new again in the gossip world today. Inside Edition is claiming to have "uncovered" something that we posted about two years ago. As we're all painfully and forcibly aware, beachy keen supermodel Christie Brinkley is divorcing her beefy cad of a husband, Peter Cook. Cook is a certified creep who had an affair with a 15-year-old toy store employee and "privately, secretly" masturbated on web cameras, but he was also kind of a hunk back in the day! In 1981 he posed in an itty bitty bathing costume on the cover of GQ and damned if he didn't look good. Now the ever-desperate for scoops Inside Edition, in a press release, is claiming to have unearthed the revealing cover. Except, um, it's not new!

• Billionaire mogul Bruce Wasserstein is leaving his youthful, second wife Claude for an even more youthful "Asian beauty," whom he has been introducing to friends as his girlfriend. According to the Daily News, this practice of old, white men stepping out with younger Asian chicks might just be a trend! [Rush & Molloy]

The Brinkley-Cook divorce trial started off its second week this morning with more testimony from Christie herself, who said that while Peter has been cavorting around the Hamptons with a bevy of beauties including his current girlfriend Suzanne Shaw, she has been staying at home focusing on their kids. In fact, Christie says she hasn't dated anyone since their split in 2006! Hear that all eligible bachelors? Christie Brinkley hasn't dated anyone in two years. And judging from how her past romances ended up, her expectations for a mate probably aren't very high, either.

The summer season has reached its midpoint, but if you'd like to get a jump on 2009—and assuming you can afford the hefty price tag—Christie Brinkley's Shingle-style manse in Bridgehampton is still available for the taking. Photos of the home where Brinkley once spent quiet, romantic moments with Peter Cook (and where Cook indulged in his pricey porn habit) after the jump.

• Heiress Casey Johnson and Courtenay Semel, daughter of entertainment mogul Terry Semel, are officially dating. Casey is ditching plans to move home to Manhattan so she can stay closer to Courtenay in LA. [Page Six]

When fighting a highly publicized custody battle with the modeling industry's reigning Good Girl Next Door, it's probably not the smartest move to give Al Goldstein and Larry Flynt a run for their money as dirtiest old man. But that's just what pervy adulterer Peter Cook did yesterday while testifying against original Uptown Girl Christie Brinkley. Providing us with a handy preview of Rob Lowe's inevitable court date fighting for his straight-laced honor, the hottie architect let loose a series of confessions involving adorably vintage tales of web cam masturbation, office sex, and hush money hidden behind paintings. Read on for the sordid admissions that caused Cook to reach for a hankie and cry jurors a river.

• This story is getting messier by the minute: It seems Alex Rodriguez's wife Cynthia has been in Paris where she's been hooking up with Lenny Kravitz while her husband may or may not be involved with Madonna. The only one not getting any, it seems, is Guy Ritchie. [NYP]

• Naomi Watts is pregnant with her second baby with Liev Schreiber. As she is Australian, we assume she will carry the child in her pouch. [US Magazine]

The divorce trial of the year (week? month?) between Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook got underway today and the crack team at Fox News is all over it. "America's Newsroom" host Megyn Kelly fawned over Christie's svelte figure— she's "looking fan-freaking-tastic"—while her male counterpart Greg Jarrett classily referred to Diana Bianchi as a "homewrecker." We're not quite sure if "homewrecker" is exactly the term you should be using to describe a naive teenage girl lured into a relationship by her much older boss (who's also famously fond of cocaine and porn), but, hey it's Fox! It's always the woman's fault! Video after the jump.

• Reps for Madonna and Alex Rodriguez claim the two are "just friends." They just happen to be the kind of friends who have secret rendezvouses at their apartments until midnight. The day after having a baby. [NYP]

• Good to know that even though Madonna and Guy Ritchie's relationship is on the rocks, their spiritual lives remain intact. Madonna spent the weekend in New York and attended the Kabbalah center in Midtown on Friday and Saturday; Guy paid a visit to the center in London. [People]

• Lovebirds Uma Thurman and Arpad "Arki" Busson are engaged. The Swiss financier gave her an enormous ring (so big that Uma "can't fit it through the sleeve of her coat"), which Uma promptly showed off to friends at a party Thursday night and they're now planning the wedding. [NYDN]

• The messy divorce case between Peter Cook and Christie Brinkley has just gotten messier. Days after a judge ruled that the trial would be kept open, it was revealed that Cook handed over $300,000 to Diana Bianchi, the 20-year-old girl he cheated on Brinkley with, in exchange for a promise that she wouldn't sue him for sexual harassment or discuss the affair. Of course, the cash won't prevent her from speaking out in court if she's called to testify. [NYP]