Barely competent pop star and less competent human being Chris Brown is the subject of a doozy of a Guardian profile (it's the one in which he brags about having lost his virginity at age 8). God, this guy is such a fucking asshole.

Chris Brown's representative lays the blame of Brown's seizure yesterday on pressure from "the continued onslaught of unfounded legal matters and the nonstop negativity." This is some powerful hating, people.

The New York Daily News is reporting that reviled pop star Chris Brown suffered a seizure early this morning at a Hollywood recording studio. Brown allegedly suffered the seizure and then refused emergency responders' efforts to take him to a hospital.

In a shocking twist where rules apply, the Los Angeles Times reports that charismatic hero Chris Brown has been charged with a hit-and-run and driving without a license following an investigation of a fender-bender last month. Both crimes are misdemeanors punishable by a maximum six-month jail sentence.

Just when you thought Chris Brown couldn't get worse, he announced his upcoming single will feature unheard Aaliyah vocals. Aaliyah has been dead for over 11 years. She has been resting less peacefully lately.

Not content to merely terrorize adults, Chris Brown is now frightening Los Angeles children with "grimacing, sharp-toothed, red-eyed goblin" murals around his home. Brown argues that his neighbors are trying to suspend his First Amendment rights.

Chris Brown's contrived redemption tour continues — in an interview with Matt Lauer that aired earlier this morning on Today to promote his underwhelming new single "Fine China," the singer repeatedly emphasized how good and positive his current state of mind is. He did this with words. ("For my album and what I'm promoting as far as the single or whatever it is, it's just about me being positive..." "Everything's good. We're fine." "I'm not really focused on the negative. Everything is positive for me." "Movin' forward. Positive.") He also did this with his shirt, which sported a print of interlocking hearts, peace signs and laurel wreaths. Behold, love's champion.

Chris Brown wants you to know that he is a passionate, positive, self-actualizing young man. In a series of in-studio interviews he arranged in advance of his upcoming single, he sold this nice-guy image hard.

The ripped-from-the-headlines plot of last night's Law & Order: Special Victims Unit was inspired by Chris Brown's 2009 assault of his on-again-off-again girlfriend Rihanna. Disingenuously, the episode opened with a disclaimer: "The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event." Perhaps this is the disclaimer for every episode of this godawful show, but it was particularly untrue last night as the show went on to reference Chris Brown's apology video, Chris Brown's bowtie, Chris Brown's dick pic, Chris Brown's duet(s) with Rihanna, Rihanna's request to relax the restraining order she was granted, the leaked picture of Rihanna's battered face, Chris Brown's tattoo that kind of resembles Rihanna's battered face and Chris Brown and Rihanna's voluminous social-media interactions. Look at all of those coincidences and marvel at their hilariously incompetent executions.

While clubbing in London last night, Rihanna was injured when a man "enraged" by her reunion with King Scumbag Chris Brown threw a bottle of Lucozade (think British Gatorade) at her. She fell to the ground and cut her leg, but was otherwise unhurt.

The lies in Chris Brown's community service progress reports are so egregious, so bald-faced, so flabbergastingly, blatantly untrue, that it's shocking to think anyone ever intended to pass them off as factual.

Yesterday, America's sweetheart Frank Ocean posted a message on his Tumblr regarding his alleged physical altercation with Chris Brown last month. It refutes a claim made last week by Los Angeles County Sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore that Ocean "is desirous of prosecution in this incident":

It's been obvious for a while now, but Rihanna has gone and made it officially official: She and Chris Brown are back together.

Chris Brown, the world's most-hated pop singer, is under investigation for assault (again), stemming from an "all-out brawl" with Frank Ocean — one of the internet's most beloved R&B singers — apparently over a parking space.

In case you're not up to date on the newish lingo for stupid pranks, "Swatting" is the act of reporting a fake crime or emergency at someone's home, which usually results in a SWAT team showing up and scaring the hell out of everyone at the nonexistent crime's location. Last week, Tom Cruise was swatted, perhaps resulting in an advertisement in The Atlantic; this week, it was gentleman R&B star Chris Brown's turn. According to TMZ:

As a general rule, I hate movie scenes that take place in the rain. Not necessarily because of the rain itself, but because whenever you see rain you know someone is sad, or in love, or sadly in love, or dying. I believe in the human capacity for imagination, and that we haven't come up with a better device to show melancholy or romance than some storm clouds and a light drizzle, kinda pisses me off.

Pope Benedict XVI is just a Tweep like one of us.

Well, it's as good as official: It looks like Rihanna and Chris Brown are back in each other's arms after an early November denial by RiRi that the two had reunited.

Singer-not-rapper Chris Brown is on the cover of XXL's December/January issue, because everyone in the hip-hop industry is obligated to embrace Brown with open arms because he will make them a bunch of money. Last weekend, Brown managed to out-awful awful Twitter comedian Jenny Johnson by saying, amongst other things, that he was going to shit on her retina per his mom's orders. This latest outburst of violent threats from Brown once again turned the spotlight on his rage issues, unrepentance for having viciously beat Rihanna and general horribleness.