The Way We Live Now: looking to the East. The future is in China, friends. Everyone "in the know" knows it. American richies are favoring the Chinese with obsequious bows. Meanwhile, the Chinese rich are assholes, just like us.

This Chinese playing card company used to employ robots to stuff decks into their boxes at its factory—until it realized that this man with superhuman speed (the video inside has not been sped up) could do it faster.

Here in the Greatest Country On Earth, our "abstinence plan" consists of your friends telling you not to go home with that dude when you're drunk. But in China, they're lucky enough to be harangued by America's own evangelical loons!

[A young man rides his bike through a flaming garbage dump in Changchun, China, where environmental pollution goes virtually unchecked. Image via Getty]

To tastefully honor the late Princess Diana on the anniversary of her death, a Chinese lingerie company made this ad urging you to "Feel the Romance of British Royalty." That's so thoughtful. [Daily Mail]

Good news for criminals in China: The government has proposed dropping the death penalty for several crimes, such as smuggling exotic animals and relics. And no more elderly executions, either. Currently, 68 crimes are punishable by death in China.

Chinese pianist Liu Wei, whose arms were amputated as a child, plays the piano with his feet. He's a contestant on China's Got Talent, and says music, to him, "is just like breathing air." [Image via AP]

[A Chinese truck driver washes up after spending two days in the 60 miles long Beijing-Tibet Expressway traffic jam. Sucks to be him right now. Image via AP]

A traffic jam on China's Beijing-Tibet Expressway that started nine days ago is still going strong, stretching over 60 miles. Drivers are playing cards on the road, and some have suggested holding concerts to entertain stranded motorists. 60 miles!

[A young Chinese tourist wears a traditional Tibetan outfit at the inland salt water Qinghai Lake, in Qinghai Province, China today. Image via Getty]

Today, a video of a panda gettin' his groove on circulated online. The only problem with it? The videographer's annoying narration. Well, problem solved: here's your Partytime Panda/Antoine Dodson "Bed Intruder Song" mashup. I dare you not to love this.

A woman in Shenzhen City, China, apparently had her anus sewn shut "with black threads and needle" by a midwife who hadn't received a good tip. The midwife claims she simply sewed up a bleeding hemorrhoid. Please: Tip your midwives.

The Way We Live Now: girly. Meaning incapable of being paid what we're worth! Will the mighty USA one day be nothing more than a pit stop where Chinese Masters of the Universe pick up free cupcakes? It seems likely.

China has passed Japan to become the world's second-largest economy after Justin Bieber.

23-year-old Liu Wei blew away the competition on China's Got Talent last week when he played "Mariage D'amour" perfectly on the piano. But the odds are stacked against Liu: He has no arms and plays the piano with his feet.

Office creator Ricky Gervais says a Chinese version of the show is under development. It should be set at the Foxconn factory, and "Jim" and "Pam" can start dating after keeping one of their coworkers from jumping off the roof.

[Rescue workers prepare to search a destroyed building for survivors after a mudslide in Northwest Chinese city Zhouqu. The disaster was the result of massive flooding in the region. Image via AP]

Animal rights group Animals Asia has released photographs of Chinese maltreatment of animals, including "toothless tigers riding on the backs of horses," pigs on diving boards, and bears riding motorcycles on tightropes. Which is awful! But: Wow! [Telegraph]

Seems like people will do anything to get their fifteen minutes. Take daredevil Mr. Tang: to get clicks on the internet, he dove under a train and filmed the experience. Well he was right, check out the video here.

In your head-scratching Tuesday media column: African-Americans simply can't appreciate Bill O'Reilly, more evidence of Tribune Co. hopelessness, GQ censors itself in China, and WSJ. magazine names a new editor.