After 18 years of memorizing math equations while chained to a stake, Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld has escaped the basement cage where "superior Chinese mother" Amy Chua keeps her. Unfortunately, she has Stockholm syndrome. Either that, or her mom isn't that bad.

Child abuse infomercial Toddlers & Tiaras has outdone last week's episode—which featured a 2-year-old in a cone bra—by finding a pageant mom to force her screaming, begging, and crying 5-year-old to get her eyebrows waxed on television.

Doing publicity for Snooki is a pretty straightforward. You put her in a vaguely inappropriate context, aim a camera at her, then wait for media outlets to stumble into your trap. Example: Snooki making over an 11-year-old.

This video is cute—well, it's cute in a "Did that little girl just get possessed by Satan?" way. Anyway! This is Penny. Because Penny's parents are horrible, they decided to feed her grapefruit juice and film the results.

On the Today Show this morning a child actor named Reed Alexander cooked a little meal with Kathie Lee and Hoda and it was... curious. Curious how easily this 16-year-old boy fits in with ladies of a certain age. Observe.

This weekend, I came across "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" by Amy Chua. Since I have a Chinese mother, I assembled my face into a self-righteous smirk and began to read. But—woe is me!—my Chinese mother's a fraud.

New Jersey Transit's "quiet car" program is good. By choosing the front or rear car of a commuter train during peak hours, you don't have to listen to obnoxious cell phone conversations. But what if someone breaks the rules?

Dr. Charles Bizilj took his eight-year-old son to a gun show two years ago. There, he videotaped his son's death, as the boy lost control while trying to test-fire an Uzi. Today, Bizilj is testifying in court. It is awful.

King apparently asks this difficult adult question to students K-12, just in case any of those five-year-olds are considering baby murder anytime soon. And if one of them responds with the typical psychobabble about "trimesters," he compares abortion to the similarly sunny issue of school shootings:

A 94-year-old Indian man is claiming that his 52-year-old wife gave birth to their son last month, which would make him the world's oldest father. Sources say the man is already asking his newborn son to keep his music down.

[Children play in the slums of Lahore, Pakistan. Image via AP]

In this video, a tiny asshole who's just gotten a Wii and a bunch of other toys for Christmas freaks out when his parents dare to give him a book, a book, as well. This is why we're dumb, folks.

Ayden is two-years-old; therefore, he should care about nothing but candy and pooping, right? Nope! Because Ayden's addicted to Angry Birds, and not even a bribe of candy can make him loosen his grip of his dad's phone. Watch inside.

Even though he's dead, Michael Jackson has an upcoming album, Michael. The first single from said album is a duet with Akon called "Hold My Hand," and here's its music video, featuring lots of children, hand-holding (natch), and, well, sadness.

For your Wednesday edition of, "BAWWWWW!" we've got not an animal video, but one featuring a real live human—two, in fact: a father who "steals" his son's nose, and the little boy, who adorably—and repeatedly—asks for it back.

Meet 12-year-old Natalie. If you don't want to meet Natalie at 12, how about at 10? Or four? Or 18 months? Or birth? Because you can, by watching this time-lapse featuring one photo of her a day for 10 years.

Dear Michelle Obama, I think your husband should legalize immigration. Please put a statue of me in Echo Park.

NATO's senior civilian in Afghanistan, Mark Sedwill says kids in Kabul have little to worry about: "The children are probably safer here than they would be in London, New York or Glasgow." Meanwhile, civilian deaths are "soaring" across the country.

Oh Fox & Friends, you never fail us. Recently, lemon-scented floor mop Gretchen Carlson invited a little boy and his father on to discuss the child's near-death experience and how, the kid claims, he went to heaven and saw God.

During a Sydney performance of "Seek and Destroy," Metallica guitarist Kirk Hammett is kicking balloons around the stage. He winds up, swings his foot, and—uh oh. Was that a child that just went flying?