Us Weekly has just reported that Jennifer Garner has given birth, an announcement that required no fewer than five exclamation points to adequately communicate the giddy joy of new motherhood:
After a momentary lapse of gossip rag baby-whoring reason, Britney Spears has finally come to her senses and given the go ahead to People to print photos of her with newborn son Sean Preston on their cover. Proud father Kevin Federline is pictured too, his cornrows pulled extra tight, resulting in a convincing simulation of actual smiling:
"Listen, I'm not kidding when I tell you that the Church's new impregnation technology is amazing. We can start a human life without the messy realities of intercourse and grow a baby absolutely anywhere—anywhere! Hey, Katie, it doesn't look like she believes me. Get me pregnant on the inside of my mouth, right now. Just watch, this is gonna blow your mind. Ahhhh..."
Nicolas Cage has finally made a clean break with reality, saddling his newborn son with the name Kal-el. As in Superman's Kryptonian birth name. We're genuinely concerned for the baby boy's future safety, and not solely because the tyke will almost certainly return from school each day wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants. No, we fear that whatever drugs Cage ingested before naming the baby also make the proud father believe that the infant's been imbued with superpowers, leading to a tragic incident in which the actor realizes too late that little Kal is not, in fact, bulletproof.
